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I have three children, two puppies, a husband and a big story to tell.  Only two people in my family share any blood relationship.  Ha!  Of course, you know you are reading blogs about adoption, so this may not shock you…but, admittedly it still sometimes shocks me.  I was recently trying to decide how we all got here.  I’ll share the short version.

I was a crazy teen and stayed crazy into my early 20s.  I had a son (that would be the one bio tie in this story) as a single early 20s mom.  It was hard.  I had (on and off) family support, but it felt very alone and I kinda decided then that I didn’t like babies.  Of course, I loved my baby, but I wished from early on for him to be older and do more.  There are some that can’t understand that, but to each our own.  When I met my husband I had no wish for more children – NONE!  I decided to effectively make it so that I could not have more children.  We both seemed ok with the decision.  Our oldest son, who shall be known as DS1, was step-parent adopted by my hubby (known as DH).  We moved on with our lives.

Something clicked in me one day and it started from a strange point.  I didn’t want DS1 to be an only child.  I grew up with siblings (steps and halves and wholes, oh my!) and while our relationships are not ideal…I wanted him to have the chance to experience that.  So, DH got home and I told him I wanted to adopt a little girl.  After pursuing WHY all this was happening, we moved forward to adopt from the Ukraine.  Bad agency, bad information, bad timing – who knows…but a year later our journey ended with it still being just the 3 of us.  A lot of money gone, a lot of hope gone and I figured that is how it was meant to be.

I still had the itch for more kids…then he said it.  What about a baby???  Egads.  But, I love my DH and he had never gotten to raise a child from birth, so I felt I should give it a whirl.  IVF – rounds 1 and 2…nothing.  Again, a lot of money gone, a lot of hope gone and I was tired and thought for sure we were done.

Two years later, I spoke to someone who is dear to me and again the concept of only children came up.  There were the bells again.  Without talking to DH, I called a few agencies and inquired about older children available in Russia.  A local agency said that they had a sibling set available and would I like to see them?  They knew we’d been homestudy approved prior and already done all our training – so I drove to their office and got a file and pictures of Camden and Logan.  Those were the names we chose for them.  DH came home to a pile of paperwork, a set of pictures and a wife saying – we must do this.  That was April.  We were on a plane in July (I’m skipping all the paperwork part…yes, it was all legal and we did it all right)!  We spent 7 days with Camden and Logan - a tiny, sweet, angelic 3 year old girl and her rambunctious, hyper, but oh-so-cute 6 year old brother.  It was a whirlwind and we flew home exhausted.  We spent the next couple of months discussing the interventions that Logan might need…there were some red flags.  But, even then, we were sure it would be “OK”…whatever that means.

In September I got the call – while home alone – told to sit down and then told that the children could not join our families.  Their aunt had decided she would not sign the papers.  She did not want custody, they were simply to stay in the orphanage until she decided something further.  It was like two people in my family died.  I broke down.  I look back on that moment and wonder if it correlates with what came next for me – for us.

After discussion and emotions, we decided to move forward.  And, we did – it went quickly yet again.  A kind judge allowed us to make a single trip to both meet and finalize the adoptions.  We were referred DS2 - a 7 year old boy whose picture showed dark hair and eyes and a sad smile – and DD - who immediately struck us as a ham with a sprout of hair sticking straight off her 6 year old head.  They were non-related children that were available for adoption.  We met them on a Tuesday and had finalized custody of them on Thursday – Thanksgiving Day 2005.  It was, as DH would later say – the last time he saw me.

So, our journey into attachment began.  The first hurdle became MY attachment.  It hit me like a rock…how could I not be in love at first sight?  How could I be bringing home two strangers who are now my children?  I know that so many won’t/can’t understand this…but I was freaking out.  It felt like a huge rock on my chest.  I would cling to DS1 and pray that when I opened my eyes we would be at home – just the three of us.  DD cried all the time.  No matter what I did for her or what I didn’t do for her.  DS2 was a crazed angry kid.  Did I get what was happening to them?  Sure…but could I comprehend it?  No.  In those moments I was selfish and that was all I could muster right then.  I knew that something was wrong…that it wasn’t going how it was supposed to.  Since then I’ve learned that there is no way that is right – no feeling manual for meeting a child and becoming their mother in 2 days.

The next year is really mostly a blur.  Getting kids into school…figuring out routines…learning about who they are as people.  Yes, they were people before me and there were days that made me furious.  It’s brutal to say, but I wanted their life to begin with me.  It doesn’t…they were created and ‘kept’ by people before me.  People who hurt them and then they came to me and I wasn’t totally capable of doing everything I thought I should be doing!

If you don’t know what attachment is all about – think of this.  A baby is in her crib and she cries.  For most babies, someone comes running to resolve that baby’s needs.  For many babies, that is not the case.  Some babies cry and no one comes.  They cry over and over – for hunger, to be changed, to simply be cuddled and no one comes.  They eventually learn to tell themselves that they are not hungry, not dirty, not lonely.  Once those connections have been unplugged – it’s very hard to plug them back in.  Each day, week, month, year that a child lives with neglect can compound and it takes longer and longer for them to believe – to trust – that a parent can provide for them.

I have crossed the threshold in my attachment.  I won’t lie to sound good and say that everyday I awake with such love in my heart that it nearly breaks me wide open.  I wake up and think about how I can help my children today, how I can teach them to love and trust me, how I can show them that having a safe parent is a good thing.  And, I guess…that is where THIS story will begin.  I want to share our story because there are so many others out there living this cycle.  Living with an attachment disordered child (or two) is a long golden road…but we don’t know yet if there is an Oz at the end.  I plow forward everyday, dragging them all with me (sometimes happily, sometimes not) and I know that no matter what I find at the end – it’s our end  – and together, we’ll make it what we want it to be.