What’s in a Name?
Until this past Friday, I felt very nervous about the topic of Chinese names.
Most China-adoptive parents typically include their child’s Chinese name as a middle or a second middle name. Those who know me in real life know that I am a huge proponent of this. And yet… call me a hypocrite, but… the husband and I chose to give the Tongginator a Western first name and a different Chinese name as her middle name. We kept no part of her original Chinese name as her legal name. We always told one another that we would support the Tongginator, both emotionally and financially, if she ever wished to legally return to the name she had prior to adoption, but our local Chinese community told us that the name she received in China marked her as an orphan.
Perhaps we would make a different decision today as opposed to the one we made four years ago, since we know so much more now, but I’m not sure. Because her legal Chinese name means – literally – “a person of the Chinese people/ a member of society” or, contextually (as one of my Chinese teachers gently informed me), “ward of the state.” We heard variations of this translation from countless local friends, two people who make their living translating Chinese names and several Chinese-American adoptive-parents we “met” on-line. The Tonggu SWI has a history of bestowing rather unusual names on some of the children, including one that translates as “a deformed girl within society.”
I know.
The Tongginator’s Chinese nickname (her third character doubled-up) thankfully means something quite pretty in Mandarin, but – unfortunately – it is a phrase in English that does not have positive connotations. We didn’t think she’d want that. We also didn’t actually know the nickname her foster mother used until after we completed the adoption.
Put between a rock and a hard place, we made a parenting decision before the Tongginator was old enough to make the decision for herself. We chose an alternate Chinese middle name that is lovely in both Mandarin and English. And then we fretted. Because how would the Tongginator feel about our decision? And would other members of the adoption triad judge us harshly if they knew? Tonggu Grammy acted as the voice of reason, reminding us that the ONLY opinion that mattered was that of the Tongginator. And that we could always help her legally change her name if she felt disappointed or angry about our decision.
This past Friday, we discovered how she felt… at least for now.
TONGGINATOR: (completely out of the blue) Momma, I don’t want others to call me by my Chinese nickname, except maybe my Chinese teachers, but why won’t everyone call me (her real Chinese name)?
TONGGU MOMMA: Well, honey, we can tell them to do that if you want us to. But it might be hard for them to remember at first, so you’ll have to remind everyone that you want to be called (her real Chinese name). Do you want us to do that together?
TONGGINATOR: I don’t know. (long pause) Momma, why DID you change my name?
TONGGU MOMMA: Well, honey bear, (your real Chinese name) means “a person of the Chinese people,” but the Chinese name we gave you means (something more typical for a Chinese girl). We thought you might like that name better, but we weren’t sure because we had to decide all of this when you were still a baby. Which DO you like better?
TONGGINATOR: (long pause) Momma, I think I like my new name better. I want you to call me by that name forever and ever. (another long pause) Why did Director G. name me THAT?
TONGGU MOMMA: I don’t know, Tongginator. I think maybe he really liked that nickname for you. And (her Chinese nickname) DOES have a beautiful meaning, doesn’t it?
TONGGINATOR: Yes, Momma. But I don’t want other people calling me that.
TONGGU MOMMA: Well, honey bear, it’s a beautiful Chinese name, so your Chinese teachers will want to use it. And sometimes Momma and Daddy will use it. Is that still okay?
TONGGINATOR: Yes… but no one else.
So, for now, that is what we will do. But who knows how the future will change her views?
And to read more about this topic from some transracially adopted adults, check out Say My Name: Changing My Adoptive Name, My Real Name and Renaming as Cultural Erasure.
Well, I’m not an adoptive mother but I am a mother. And when Elliot was 3 he renamed himself OakTree Bones. And I despised my name until my 20s. I think she will hate all her names at various times, and make her own peace with whichever she chooses as a young adult.
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We agonized over this also. But ya know…like you said…the bottom line is that it can be changed legally at any point she wants. We made the best decision we could with the info we had….and allow for any change on her part if she wishes. Its funny how much energy we adoptive parents put into this issue…when it can be changed so easily.
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Sounds like one very bright and precocious 4-year-old! Be prepared for many more questions and discussions. I suspect that all this is about fare more than just a name but her trying to understand the whole idea of WHY she was given up and sent so far form home! Be prepared. Be very prepared.
May I suggest you read a study of Korean adoptees at: http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/proed/korfindings.html
other resources: http://www.karensadoptionlinks.com/adoptee.html
some of the writing of Korean adoptees – now adults – i.e.,that of Jane Jeong Trenka:
http://www.amazon.com/Language-Blood-Jane…/1555974260
Many of these adoptees articulate the conflicted feelings of having been “rescued” from their native and. their love and appreciation for all adoption, their adoptive parents has given them — and their strong feelings of loss as well.
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Looks like your questions are reallygoing to get tougher!
Orphanage investigated, officials punished over baby adoption scandal in SW China
http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2009-07/03/content_11648503.htm
GUIYANG, July 3 (Xinhua) — A joint work team including family planning, civil affairs, police and disciplinary officials are investigating a scandal in which babies were sent overseas from southwest China’s Guizhou Province for adoption, an official told Xinhua Friday.
Yang Jiesheng, deputy secretary general of the Qiandongnan Prefecture government and deputy head of the work team, said that the public orphanage in Zhenyuan County was suspected of violating rules in accepting so-called abandoned babies.
Orphanages are supposed to take in abandoned babies after someone declares the finding of an abandoned baby and the declaration is confirmed by police. In the Zhenyuan case, at least three babies were taken away from the homes of their relatives or even their own parents.
The orphanage has taken in 81 abandoned babies since June 1995,of which 60 were adopted by foreign families, said Han Hui, deputy secretary of the Communist Party of China (CPC) committee in Qiandongnan Prefecture.
The orphanage was awarded 3,000 U.S. dollars for each child placed with a foreign family.
continued…
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Really interesting!
My younger son asked not to be called by his Russian nickname shortly before starting preschool. He wanted to be called by the American name we gave him. We kept his Russian name as a middle name. I have been told to expect that he might want to revert back to it when he gets older.
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I love that she has an opinion on it…and that she has so many OPTIONS. I have friends who have changed their names VARIOUS times, without ever taking any legal action. Heck, I changed my name every time I changed schools! Looking back, I think it was when I got to college that my name was permanently shortened to a boy’s name.
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Once again you’ve given me another perspective to consider besides my own. I’ve always been against changing adoptees’ names but I didn’t know that they might equate to “ward of the state” or “deformed girl in society” (!). In cases like that changing the name makes sense. What bugs me is when adoptees’ names are changed when they already know their names of origin, or when their names of origin are hidden from them. I think everyone deserves to know their original name.
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As always you cut to the heart of the issue – Communication! Your Little T will always know she has a voice and that that voice will be heard and respected. Ultimately it is not in the name but the love behind that name that is essential.
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[...] did get lucky, her name is beautiful. The meaning is beautiful. I’ve since learned that sometimes, the name given to a child, is not so pretty. The only issue we have since had is that it starts with the word Xiao, and many people [...]
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Well stated. I think your daughter is blessed to have parents who are so thoughtful and considerate. I think, with both bio and adopted children, the best thing for us to do as parents is whatever we feel is best. Silly as it sounds – there just isn’t one right answer. What is right for one family won’t be right for another. We renamed our daughter and haven’t looked back. If there comes a time when she feels the need to use her birth name (her middle name now) then she is free to do so. If our bio daughter wanted to use her middle name then so be it… We do our very best for both of our girls and some days that will be ok, some days not enough – but always my best!
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