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I really did read all the books I was supposed to before completing an older child adoption. Everything about attachment, ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), ADHD, basic parenting…parenting a hurt child, a child with no conscience…basically a litany of marching literary soldiers telling me how hard this would be. Yet, I believed none of it. Now that we are living with attachment disorder (along with ADHD, GAD-generalized anxiety disorder and what I firmly believe is bi-polar), I’m re-reading many of these books.

This time around they make so much sense and the information is critical in my mind. I don’t know how you can fix this issue, because I know I’m not the only one…how do you make something relevant for someone who has no idea they’ll need the information. Ahh…takes me back to college. I didn’t care so much for Latin American studies, because I figured beyond on occasional umbrella drink on the shores, I wouldn’t need to know that stuff! True that I’m not an ambassador, but I am more into world events and it stinks to know nothing about that region after my parents paid for me to learn it!
I’m trying to take in so much info and reading more than one book at a time…that can become a problem. My information is getting mixed up – but I must say the overlying theme is the same. Attachment disorder sucks. Yes-sir-ree. There are different levels of suck…but it’s there. In Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory C. Keck and Regina Kupecky – they mention that the child feels that for them to win, a parent must lose and vice versa. I read that and thought “ummm…yes….that is how I often feel”…the next paragraph told me I wasn’t alone. But, how do you change that thinking?
After you wake up 1,000s of days and hope that today is the day that your children will love you…and it’s not…it all starts to build up. It’s not that I’ve turned against my kids – but I often feel more like a sandbox warrior posed for the next threat than a mom. Then I realize I’m letting their illness win. I need to show them that I can ‘win’ and they can still be safe. I have to be better at choosing the battles I MUST win. The same rules apply here as Love and Logic (by Jim Fay and Foster Cline).
1. Avoid control battles whenever you can.
2. Choose your battles carefully.
3. WIN the ones you take on.
Everytime I may something a battle and then lose – I’m proving to them that I’m not strong enough. I’m reinforcing their belief that I can’t take care of them. I don’t lose a lot…but I’m really terrible at choosing the right battles! Everything in my house becomes one…and I’m the general of the army putting all of myself at risk everytime.
You loaded the bowl on the wrong shelf…bam, boom, jump in the foxhole!
You stole from a backpack at school…troops dismount and attack!
You still haven’t done a chore correctly on day 3…look out, here I come on my dark horse!
You spit in my face…whoa, Nellie…the war has begun!
Some of those things are quite a worthy hill to die on…others are not. As a hurt parent dealing with a hurt child – I often seem to create the same ’security threat level’ for many of these things, because everything feels the same…it all feels like the tornado alarm is ringing and I have to hide in the basement. There aren’t a lot of levels to this feeling when it comes at you 100 times each day!
So, as I feel myself being pulled into the mud pit…I know that I’m losing and most days (most moments), I can pull myself out and start again. I’m doing better and if you though you were reading about someone who is an expert – NOPE…please buy the books I’ve mentioned which are written by actual experts. I’m just a mom fighting hard to heal her kids and learning a lot along the way!
Voni still blogs, even when she’s muddy, at http://www.kretzklan.blogspot.com/