Christmas is nearly here; for those of us with children from the “hard places” , the holidays are approached with a mix of hope and trepidation.  We know that Christmas may be a delightful day of  joy, or a terrible day of rages and stress.  The good news is that we can take steps to increase our odds of having a joyful holiday.  Here are three therapeutic tips for making Christmas a day you actually want to remember:

First, talk with your child about the hope of a “perfect” Christmas.  Will it be a perfect day?  No, it won’t be, because no day is perfect.  There are always things that don’t go the way we hope and expect.  They may not get their most desired gift, or a favorite food may not turn out quite right, but they can learn to say, “That’s okay” and “It doesn’t have to be perfect to be good”.  We can even have them practice saying, “It’s not what I hoped for, but it is good.” In our family we might practice, “I wanted bacon for breakfast, but sausage is good too.”

It may also help to draw a simple picture of them with a smiling face.  Then have them add some of these phrases to the picture and hang it up where it will help them remember that Christmas won’t be perfect, but it will be good.

Second, we can help our children learn not to compare their Christmas to anybody else’s Christmas.  We may not have the resources to buy large or numerous gifts like a friend’s family can.  We may not have the ability to travel to visit grandparents or take ski vacations.  But every Christmas is special…even if they are not all the same.  We can help them choose to be thankful by preparing them in advance for the differences they will see.

Third, we need to talk with our children about how the day will be celebrated.  Write down your plan (or have them write it) and post it on the refrigerator for your child to consult as the day approaches and throughout Christmas day.  A typical Christmas day for our family might look like this:

In the morning we will gather in the living room and open our Christmas stockings.

When we are done we will have a special breakfast.

At the table we will light our Advent candles including the special Christmas candle and read the story of Jesus’ birth from the Bible.

After we clear the table, we will go back to the living room and take turns opening gifts one at a time beginning with the youngest child.  Each child will receive two gifts from Mommy and Daddy, one from a sibling (they draw names), and a gift to share from their grandparents.  Opening presents will take a long time (with 11 children), but it will be fun.  (They can practice being happy for their brothers and sisters.  If they get tired, they can take a break and play in the family room or have a snack in the kitchen.)

When all of the presents have been opened, we will set out appetizers, fruit, cookies, etc. for a light lunch while we finish cooking Christmas dinner.  Everybody will snack and play with their gifts.

At 4:00 we will have Christmas dinner with turkey and lots of special foods.

After dinner we will clean up and play some more.  Before long the children will put on pajamas and we will watch a Christmas movie as a family.

At 7:30, or when the movie is over, we’ll have dessert.

8:00 will be bedtime.

Of course, we won’t include so much verbiage and it may simply be a series of pictures, but it will give them the flow of the day.  This may seem too specific or rigid, and we may deviate from it, but it helps my children to make sense of the day and not have unrealistic expectations.  They know what is coming, they know how many gifts they will receive, and they know the special foods we will eat.  My children feel safer and more confident that they can manage themselves and their emotions.  They won’t need to constantly ask, “When are we going to….?” Or “Does Sam have more presents than I do?”  Nor will we hear my favorite refrain, “I don’t know what to do!” Their anxiety is decreased and their joy is increased.

Preparing our children for Christmas is one more demand during this busy holiday season, but it is time well spent for the sake of our little ones, who are worth it all.  Let’s make some happy memories this year, and if the day doesn’t go as planned, we can say, “It’s okay.  It doesn’t have to be perfect to be good.”

Lisa writes about her life as the mother of eleven, HIV, trauma and attachment, and a variety of adoption issues at A Bushel and a Peck.