The “A” Word

Growing up, “A” was for attitude. And as I grew older, into the edgy years of puberty, “A” became “AA”—for attitude adjustment. My father liked to say, “You need an attitude adjustment.” Frequently spot-on, his comment was met with a snarl and affirming nod from reluctant me.

As I raise my own kids, the “A” word carries a different meaning. “A” stands for abandoned—an emotionally-loaded, negatively-charged word tied to adoption.

Abandoned means being forsaken, deserted without any moral or emotional attachment. Discarded. Upon hearing this word, often attached to their adoption story, the adopted child’s perception is that they weren’t wanted, not loved, undeserving of being with their birth parent(s). What wonderful baggage to have hanging over and in the head of an adoptee as they work through issues of loss and identity. Talk about stacking the deck against someone…

The word “abandon” is painful for adoptive parents to say and even harder to discuss with their child. But the discussion needs to happen, for only doing so will make it easier, make it less emotionally- and negatively-charged. Experts tell adoptive parents not to shy away from the word, to use it in order to normalize it and empower their children—as they will be questioned about their adoptee status and past by others.

How often people like to point out that Chinese adoptees have been abandoned. Perhaps; but more likely not. Abandonment is a not the-whole-truth truth. Children need to hear the rest of the story, the other side. They need to know that they were brought into this world because their life was valued by their birth mother. And for those children, like my two daughters who were born in China, that, yes, they were left by someone, most likely a deeply loving birth parent faced with an insurmountable situation, to be found.

Judy M. Miller’s essays and articles appear in parenting magazines. Her stories are included in A Cup of Comfort for Adoptive Families: Stories That Celebrate a Special Gift of Love , Pieces of Me: Who Do I Want to Be? and Chicken Soup for the Soul: Thanks Mom. She facilitates classes for adoptive parents at Parenting Your Adopted Child with Judy M. Miller and blogs at The International Mom’s Blog.ca-pub-3017103269052419