I grew up in several diverse communities, among people of all races and faiths. My parents taught me from a very young age to do as Martin Luther King, Jr. advocated: to judge a person by the content of her character rather than by the color of her skin.

I always tried to do that.

When the Husband and I began discussing growing our family through adoption in 2003, we quickly turned to international adoption. Our reasons were complicated and many. Both the Husband and I expressed great interest in the global community. We’d previously lived as minorities within predominantly Asian and Pacific Islander communities – I in Japan and Hawaii and the Husband in Guam, South Korea and Japan. Also, between the two of us, we grew up with four cousins adopted from Asia. Most importantly, the Husband and I prided ourselves on being people who “didn’t see” color.

After researching various countries’ adoption programs, we selected China after learning more and more about its population control policies and cultural gender preferences.

We heard many comments from people during our adoption paperchase and wait. Most everyone offered an opinion about our decision. Some (bless them!) simply gave their support and offered congratulations. Some people applauded our open-mindedness for adopting a child not of our race. Some people, with great spiritual pride, stated that God called us to adopt these poor orphan children who needed to be saved by Christian families. Some asked us why we didn’t “adopt American.” And a few simply stopped asking us anything because they wished to avoid our soon-to-be multicultural family.

Very rarely did we feel comfortable with any of these conversations.

I experienced my first moment of overt racism just months before our adoption referral. The wife of an elder at our then-church and I joyously discussed the upcoming domestic adoption of dear friends of ours. Wife-of-the-Elder patted me on the shoulder, believing she consoled me, saying, “And they got a white baby.”

Remembering her words still brings tears to my eyes.

We’ve been home over four years now. We still face racism on a regular basis. Last summer, we heard a relative comment on our daughter’s almond- shaped eyes and then say, “well, we think you’re beautiful anyway.” A little over a year ago, the mother of a child in my daughter’s preschool class discussed the surprisingly sudden closure of a local African-American bookstore. The woman commented, “well, maybe it’s just because those people don’t read.” Last month a woman from my daughter’s preschool informed me of their decision to homeschool because their local elementary school “wasn’t white enough.”  This weekend I’ve overheard some of my neighbors making racist remarks after a horrific crime occurred in our rather small community.  And I can’t tell you how many people have cooed over my daughter, calling her a little China doll.

While y’all may not know this, the term China doll carries with it a history of meaning that causes me to blush in embarrassment and rage. Don’t use the term in reference to my daughter. Never.

Not. Ever.

The husband and I see little things as well… things that don’t feel so little when they are directed at our daughter or another person of her same race. Most Caucasian-Americans don’t label these “small” things as racist, but I disagree. Most wish to gloss over an event such as this because it doesn’t appear overtly horrible, but I’ve learned to trust my instincts about prejudice in all of its forms. I think the vast majority of white America is where I was five years ago: proud of the fact that I “didn’t see” color.

But it’s a lie. It’s also wrong.

To avoid seeing color is to avoid seeing the entire person. There exists a vast difference between acknowledging someone’s race and judging her because of it. Race and culture intertwine so, so closely that most times to deny race is to deny culture altogether. This is why so many adult transracial adoptees find themselves adrift in their late teens and early twenties – the world expects them to be one way and they simply don’t know how. They look Asian-American or Hispanic-American or African-American, but Caucasian-American parents raised them.

How confusing it must feel to many.

Most among our family and friends feel the Husband and I place too much emphasis on race and culture when it comes to raising our daughter. It’s not that we judge other parents for doing things differently… this is simply what feels right for our family. We find ourselves wondering why our attendance at a weekly Mandarin language class makes others feel so uncomfortable. Why do we feel bombarded with subtly disapproving comments about our choice of church (a local Chinese-American church) or our family traditions surrounding Chinese cultural holidays? We do nothing that contradicts our personal faith nor our family values, so why does it bother others so, so much? Some family members tell us that our daughter is a member of God’s family and THAT alone should be our emphasis. They disapprove of our decisions.

Fortunately, we realize that God chose us alone to be our daughter’s parents.

And, after three plus years raising my daughter, I do know one thing: people see color. My husband and I plan to do our best to help our little Tongginator navigate this truth. We also hope to help others learn that race matters in our family. I don’t want people to consider our daughter a pseudo-white person simply because my husband and I are her parents. She isn’t, nor will she ever be, someone other than who she is. A large part of her identity centers around the fact that she is a Chinese-American adoptee. To deny that is to deny her.

Ignoring her race won’t make it disappear. We’ve read the words of and spoken with too many transracial adoptees, now adults, who believe that the single largest area where their parents failed them involved forming a healthy racial and cultural identity. Seeing color, but not judging it, matters. That’s what I’d like for my daughter to experience.

I want others to see her color, but I want them to judge her character.

Wouldn’t you want the same?

Related Posts

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• Mid-Autumn Moon Festival
• Just Trying to Get Coffee…
• Love and Adoption
• Across the Generations

Several years ago, when the Tongginator was two-and-a-half, a man chased me down in the parking lot of a popular bookstore to ask me, “Where is she from?” A rather awkward conversation ensued, with him rambling on and on about how the Chinese hate girls and how he and his wife do everything they can to help these poor little orphans and the stunning beauty of Asian and South American girls. A tremendously icky feeling grew in my stomach as I tried to politely extract myself and my daughter from the situation. Our “chat” – for lack of a better word – finally, blessedly, ended when the man handed me his business card, then reached down to pat my daughter goodbye on her leg. Before I could yank the stroller back from his evil clutches, the Tongginator – being the Tongginator – yelled loudly at him, “I don’t like that! Please don’t touch me!”

At 31 months of age. THAT is my Tongginator. Heh.

Yesterday, as I dragged my now five-and-a-half-year-old Tongginator into a local coffee shop, a man surprised me from behind, asking quite bluntly, “Where is she from?” I turned and looked at him for a minute with a raised eyebrow before sharing the name of our town, then adding, “but she was born in China.” When he asked further intrusive questions, I asked the Tongginator if she wanted to share any information with this man. She shook her head no, so I explained to him that my daughter doesn’t typically want to share her personal life with strangers.

The conversation that followed in no way mimicked that long ago encounter which left me feeling so very icky. As I stood, waiting for my over-priced coffee, I deflected and minimized as much of this man’s uneducated, obnoxious drivel as possible. I used the ever-effective tools of “that’s private – I’m surprised you felt comfortable asking that question” and “China is changing in many ways and very rapidly” before eventually just ignoring any and all of his attempts at conversation. Before he walked away from me, he pulled out a business card from his wallet.

And that’s when I realized that it was the same man from before.

He hadn’t changed a bit, but I had. The Tongginator is not the only one who made remarkable progress these past three years. So have I. I still have a long way to go, but I’ve at least started down the path. I’m not just a momma to my daughter… I’m an advocate for her. I’m teaching her, as best I can, that she controls her information when faced with intrusive questions… that she can choose to establish boundaries, share or educate others about adoption…

And, when all else fails, that she can ignore them completely.

When Tonggu Momma isn’t glaring at strangers in coffee shops, she can be found writing all about life with a five-year-old terminator from Tonggu County at Our Little Tongginator.

Related Posts

• Love and Adoption
• New Research Encourages Going Beyond Culture Camp
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If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Adopting in response to your faith, answering “the call of adoption,” means nothing if you don’t adopt to love a child. Yes, y’all, it really IS that simple. Don’t adopt to save a child. Nor to rescue a child. And definitely don’t do it just to prove or grow your faith. Or to join the “in crowd.” If you aren’t adopting to love a child, then STOP. Don’t adopt. You won’t gain anything. Neither will the child. The end.

Except what does that love look like?

Adoptive parents are a diverse crowd, and our children are just as diverse, so I don’t know that it’s completely fair to create a list of specific dos and don’ts and say “THIS is what love in adoption MUST look like.” But… but… some overall concepts are universally true. While we may not agree on every single detail, and I may not be right on every single point, I do believe that sharing my list – the things that God has placed on my heart – will help you think more about God’s Truth when it comes to your own call to adopt.

Love is patient.

Adopted children? Often come to us hurting. Even if they experienced “little” in the way of trauma before entering our lives, the very act of adoption is traumatic. Because there is loss in the act of adoption, it’s inevitable that our children will struggle, at least some of the time and often more than that, especially in the early years. We must be patient with them. We must give them what they need, when they need it, even if it does not match up to our expectations.

Be patient when they are anxious… they are afraid you will leave them. Be patient when they are controlling… they are responding to a deep-seated need to feel safe and secure. Be patient when they express insecurities… they still feel the soul-shaking sting of abandonment. Be patient. Most adoption professionals will tell you that it takes at least a year to transition… but for our children who hurt the most, for whatever reason, it often takes about three years.

Love is kind.

It is not kind to expect an adoptee, especially one adopted transculturally and/or at an older age, to seamlessly fit into your life. The entire family must work together to make adjustments when an adopted child enters the family. Consider how you can introduce the tastes, sights, sounds, smells and experiences that the child already knows and loves into family life. Simply because it’s the kind thing to do.

It is also not kind to expect a child of a minority race to live in an all-white world. We can debate the impact of a lack of diversity for forever and a day, but I think that we can all agree that a lack of diversity for a child of color in an all-white family? Is just not kind. It asks a lot to expect a child to feel comfortable in their own skin when they rarely, if ever, see someone who looks similar to them, or even – failing that – someone who simply looks different from White. It IS kind to actively seek out diversity for your multiracial family, even if that places you outside of your comfort zone.

It is also not kind to expect that love, no matter how rich and full, will ever erase their pasts. Kindness means acknowledging their pain, acknowledging THE RIGHTNESS of their pain, showing them compassion and walking alongside them through their grieving process, which may be minimal or extensive, short-lived or life-long. It’s different for every adoptee. We have to be prepared for any reality.

It does not envy.

As adoptive parents, we need to get past any insecurities we have about our childrens feelings for and connection to their first parents. Period. When your child asks you about his or her birthparents, you need to answer truthfully, respectfully and with great compassion. There is no place for envy nor insecurity. This needs to carry through into your child’s adolescent and adult years, when he or she may even choose to search for and/or increase contact with the other family.

It does not boast.

I’ll be blunt here… if you expect your child to feel grateful to you for adopting him or her, then you are being boastful. Because you are, in effect, secretly saying “look at this great thing I did.” Don’t go there. And don’t allow others to go there either. Instead, you need to express with all humility how much you have gained through adoption, at the expense of so many others, including your child. (That is not to say that we should not train our children to possess an overall attitude of gratitude rather than a sense of entitlement. But that’s a whole ‘nother topic.)

I need to go a step further and share that I also believe it is boastful to adopt even one more child than the Lord calls you to adopt, whether it be child #2 or child #15. The Lord blesses small families and large families… all are beautiful in His sight. God should determine how many children each family has, not the humans involved. When we overreach His will for our lives, we do a disservice to our marriages and the children already in our homes. Just because we have a plethora of material resources does not necessarily mean the Lord believes we have a plethora of emotional resources. I mean, I always wanted a large family, but the Lord has made it clear to me in recent years (through His words and circumstances), that it is not His will for me to be a mom of a large family. How humbling, especially since I know and admire several mommas of large families, including my own sister.

It is not proud.

Adoptive parents need to really sit with their own biases about different socioeconomic classes, races, languages and cultures. We need to accept and embrace the best aspects of our child’s birth culture and show compassion when discussing the worst aspects, all the while honestly and humbly admitting to the best and worst of our own culture.

We also need to acknowledge that adoption is often based on the perception that a middle-class, traditional two-parent family is better for a child than other family alternatives. We need to acknowledge that the attitudes “they’ll have it better in America” and “it will be better for them than life with a poor, single mother” run rampant through the adoption community. We need to admit that these prevalent beliefs exist because, when viewed through the lens of middle class American values, it’s considered true. But what if we remained humble, avoiding that trap of assuming that our way of life is superior to another?

It is not rude.

We need to remember that adoption is better today as compared with 30 years ago because we oh-so-slowly started listening to the voices of adoptees. We must respect that. I often hear people throwing around the term “angry adult adoptee” to silence an adoptee’s voice, even when the adoptee is not expressing an opinion that sounds angry… it just doesn’t sound “grateful.” While these adult adoptees do not speak for our children, they can offer a unique perspective that we do not possess unless we, too, are transracial adoptees. And yes, of course our children might feel completely the opposite from the opinion being expressed, but… maybe not.

We also must treat first parents with respect rather than rudeness. In the past two months, I have encountered several blogs plastered with Scripture and “pray for us” messages that also include derogatory terms describing natural mothers, including, but not limited to, “breeders” and “incubators.” Really? Come on, really?

It is not self-seeking.

Adoption is based on the best interests of the child… except when it isn’t. It is easy for prospective adoptive parents, ignorant or desperate, to allow their own wants and needs to creep in ahead of the best interests of the child. Adoption professionals are there to combat that, but… BUT… adoption is also an industry, so those safe-guards can easily fall through. Adoption professionals possess their own biases, as does everyone; and adoption agencies, lawyers and programs don’t want to lose jobs. Understandable.

Except it’s not. Because these are CHILDREN we are talking about.

Ideally, a child should live with his or her biological family in a safe, nurturing environment where basic needs are met. Period. Adoption should not even enter the conversation unless this is not possible. Which means that adoptive parents should not only listen to the voices of adult adoptees, but also the voices of first parents/ birthparents/ natural parents. Learn, from their perspectives, about the Baby Scoop Era (BSE) and the coercion that still goes on today. Accept that more young mothers might choose to parent their children if they received more support and acceptance from their families and communities.

Also, pay attention to the recent news story from Haiti about the Idaho missionaries – this international form of coercion occurs more often than we wish to believe, in countries all around the world. The only difference with Haiti? Was that Laura Silsby got caught. (If you don’t believe me, please watch this video.)

If you adopt, be sure to also actively support family preservation efforts with your words, time and money. Because love is NOT self-seeking.

It is not easily angered.

Adoption creates complex emotions bcause adoption itself is complex, forming out of complex situations. As adoptive parents, we must avoid growing easily angered when discussing adoption and adoption issues… because we may fully understand just three or four of the 25 or 30 issues important to the topic at hand. It’s always far more complex than we realize.

I rarely see someone make the blanket statement that “all adoption is wrong.” Instead, I see many adult adoptees, first parents and a minority of adoptive parents saying, “wait a minute… because it’s not that simple.” Yet a large number of adoptive parents react to that sentiment with extreme anger, sometimes even waving what I call the banner of God, without bothering to even prayerfully consider the opinion expressed.

It keeps no record of wrongs.

It’s very easy, during those first few months (or years!) home with an adopted child, to allow everything to build up, blaming the child for a lack of bonding and attachment.  I admit it. It’s even expected when one is dealing with a child who has moderate to major attachment issues. But that doesn’t make it right. We are to strive to keep no record of wrongs, forgiving again and again. And again. We will never fully attach to our children if we continue to focus on the wrongs they’ve committed… wrongs that, when seen through the lens of adoption trauma, are completely understandable. They didn’t ask for any of this… WE did. They are children… WE are adults. They lost as much, if not more, than they gained… WE lost nothing.

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.

I need to just come out and say this… adoption, especially international adoption, is a corrupt and dirty business. Our social worker, an employee of a well-respected Christian adoption agency, even states this. Unequivocally. We need to not only acknowledge this, but actively work, to the best of our ability, to end it. That’s not to say we shouldn’t adopt at all. Because there ARE millions of orphans in this world who need loving homes. But… BUT… we need to research countries and agencies before we commit to them.

We also need to acknowledge the differences between infant and older child adoption, special needs and non-special needs programs. (Now, y’all know that the husband and I are adopting through China’s non-special needs program, so I truly don’t judge the decisions of any family, because Heh-LLO… but that doesn’t mean I can just sweep it under the rug because it makes me uncomfortable.) Healthy infant girls are seen as a commodity within the adoption industry. That’s not to say that EVERYONE views them this way – and of course you don’t – but there are MANY who do. Every nation, even China, has been touched by corruption scandals.

We can’t ignore this. We need to actively fight against this. And if we find evidence of gross corruption within a specific agency, program or country – even if we have already committed to it – we need to put aside our selfish desires and start all over again. Because love does not delight in evil.

It always protects.

If we are not prepared to tackle racism and discrimination head on, then we definitely should not adopt transracially. And every adoptive parent needs to work to rid their child’s world of biases and legal discrimination against adopted persons. This includes basics such as helping schools learn adoption-friendly language and fighting for the rights of adult adoptees to have access to their original birth certificates.

Always trusts.

And here’s where I say that – if God calls you to become an adoptive parent – God will equip you to become an adoptive parent. The ideas that you are reading today may feel completely overwhelming to you. You probably even disagree with some of them. But God will equip you to do what He sees that your child needs. The details of your child’s list? May look very different from this list… because this is the list God placed on my heart for our Tongginator. But make no mistake, God WILL expect you to love your child with the love of 1 Corinthians 13. And it will look different from loving a biological child. The only thing you have to do? Is empty your cup. That’s what my husband says when he’s talking about remaining teachable, open to what God has to say.

Always hopes.

God can heal any child… even a child with reactive attachment disorder. God can do that. And we, as adoptive parents, need to cling to that hope even amidst the darkest of days.

Always perseveres.

We cannot give up on our children. Now I do realize that sometimes… SOMETIMES… families need to find another solution, especially if other children in the home are being harmed. But giving up too early and too easily is not Godly. It just isn’t. Because love? Perseveres.

Love never fails.

And it doesn’t, y’all. I do not share these things to scare you away from adopting. I share these things because, if you can read what God has placed on my heart about adoption without reacting defensively – even if you disagree with some of it – then oh my lands, will you ever make an excellent adoptive parent. Because the one quality that is the most important in this incredible world of adoption parenting?

Is one’s willingness to remain teachable.

And if you are willing to thoughtfully consider my imperfect, human thoughts on this topic, and to at least listen to the personal experiences of other members of the adoption triad (adult adoptees, first parents), then you definitely are willing to hear God’s voice in all of this. And that? Will be enough. Worldly love may not be enough for an adoptee. But the love that God describes in 1 Corinthians 13? THAT kind of love IS enough.

THAT kind of love never fails.

This post was originally published in May 2010 at Our Little Tongginator.  Although the blog author Tonggu Momma usually rants and rambles about nothing, every once in awhile she’ll try to speak about Serious Adoption Stuff.  But that’s only when she has time and – with a six-year old Tongginator in the house – it isn’t all that often.

Related Posts

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What to do?

The Husband eventually created an edited 40 minute adoption trip video that showed everything… all of it, including the loss… but he softened the effect during much of the video by dubbing in songs so that the video wouldn’t contain constant crying noises.  (Because the Tongginator’s China Cousin Red Fish?  Pretty much cried the entire two week trip.)  Our daughter found it much less stressful to watch this edited version, which she soon named her “China baby movie.”

This started our quest to find songs that fit an adoption themed video.  I’ve compiled a list below – some I love, some not so much – that seem to be favorites among the adoptive parent community.  I also wanted to point y’all to the list of songs Skye Hardwick created at Lifemothers… songs about or referencing adoption from the perspective of a first mother.

America by Neil Diamond.
Okay, so it’s somewhat of a cheesy song, but it’s still a great one for anyone who adopts internationally.  It’s ideal to use during video of the long trip home, especially in the airport where your child becomes an American citizen.

When Love Takes You In (Premiere Performance Plus Track) by Steven Curtis Chapman.
Chapman is a contemporary Christian artist who, along with his family, adopted three daughters from China.  Lyrics from the chorus include: “when love takes you home and says you belong here … the loneliness ends and a new life begins … when love takes you in.”

Bob Kahleel’s “Here Comes The Sun.”
This upbeat remake of Paul Simon’s version is surprisingly good, sung by Super 8 lead vocalist and featured in the film “The Parent Trap” starring Lindsey Lohan.  The lyrics focus on hope and changes.

The Red Thread and “I Had Something” by Lucy Kaplansky.
This American folksinger adopted a daughter from China. “The Red Thread” speaks of the tie that connects the three sides of the adoption triangle: adoptive parents, adoptee and first parents.  The lyrics to the second song include “Every footstep that I take completes a circle my life makes.  Every living things has ties that bind.  What I lost will turn to love in time.”

I’m Legit’ by Zara Phillips, featuring DMC.
Adoptee McDaniels, of Run DMC, created this song with Phillips about the civil right of adult adoptees to have access to their original birth certificates.  Kim, a former writer at GIMH, even appears as an extra in the video.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful World by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole.
This hauntingly beautiful version of these two favorites merged has appeared in several movies, commercials and television shows.  It’s commonly used in adoption trip videos as well.

Three Is a Magic Number by Schoolhouse Rock.
For something a little different… if y’all are first-time parents, consider using this retro song with a pop-up video style commentary to coincide with the numeric lyrics.  For example, in our video, we included text such as “the Tongginator wore 6 layers on the day we met her” and “Tonggu Momma had to wait until she was 30 before we could apply to adopt” and “the Tongginator was 12 months old.”  A favorite part of the song?  “A man and a woman had a little baby.  Yes, they did.  They had three in their family.  That’s a magic number.”

Anne Pence’s “Gotcha Day.”
Anne Pence wrote this song as a tribute to her close friends, who adopted two daughters from China.  The CD includes eight songs specific to a Chinese adoptees early life experiences.  A portion of the proceeds of the sale of this CD go to the Half the Sky Foundation.

I Will Remember You by Sarah McLachlan.
It sounds as if this adult adoptee wrote this song to her first family.  “I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose; Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose; Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night; You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light.  And I will remember you; Will you remember me?  Don’t let your life pass you by.  Weep not for the memories.”

Creed’s With Arms Wide Open and Lullaby
This first song’s first verse says it all.  “Well I just heard the news today… It seems my life is going to change… I closed my eyes, begin to pray… Then tears of joy stream down my face.”  This would be great during the referral/ travel approval process, if your video documents these steps.  The second song is a simple, yet beautiful lullaby.  “Hush my love, now don’t you cry.  Everything will be alright.  Close your eyes and drift in dream.  Rest in peaceful sleep.  If there’s one thing I hope I showed you: just give love to all.”

Swept Away (Beautiful Sound Album Version) by Geoff Moore.
This Christian ballad tells the story of singer/ songwriter Moore’s journey to adopt his daughter, Anna Grace, from the People’s Republic of China.  Moore expresses the wait and initial meeting so poignantly with his words: “what once was just a dream is now reaching up to me and I hold her in my arms.”

Two Worlds (Phil Collins Version) and “You’ll Be In My Heart” by Phil Collins.
Both of these songs are part of Disney’s “Tarzan” movie soundtrack. This film directly addresses adoption, so the music reflects these themes. In “Two Worlds,” the lyrics “put your faith in what you most believe in: two worlds, one family” definitely captures the thoughts of international adoption.  In “You’ll Be In My Heart,” Collins sings, “I know we’re different, but, deep inside us, we’re not that different at all.  And you’ll be in my heart.”

I Knew I Loved You by Savage Garden.
This love song, which can refer to parental love as well, seems pretty popular among adoptive parents.  Lead vocalist Darren Hayes sings: “Maybe it’s intuition, But some things you just don’t question: Like in your eyes I see my future in an instant…. I knew I loved you before I met you; I think I dreamed you into life; I knew I loved you before I met you; I have been waiting all my life.”

At Last! by Etta James.
A classic that remains achingly beautiful.  “At last, my love has come along.  My lonely days are over and life is like a song. And here we are in heaven.  And you are mine at last.”

Bless The Broken Road (As Made Popular by Rascal Flatts)
This country love song could work very well on an adoption video as the parents’ perspective, especially those parents who may have struggled with infertility and/or miscarriage.  “I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you. That every long, lost dream led me to where you are… God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you.”

Stars by The David Crowder Band.
This Christian praise song touches on the emotions which often surround a first meeting or an adoption day, with lyrics that can be viewed as a parent comforting a child who finds the transition difficult.  “I want to shine and I want to fly Just to tell you now It’ll be alright.  It’ll be alright, yeah.  It’ll be alright.  Cause I’ve got nothing on my own to give to you, But this light that shines on me Shines on you And makes everything Beautiful again — It’ll be alright.  It’ll be alright.”

Love Takes The Best Of You (Album Version) by Catie Curtis.
This song movingly speaks to a Cambodian adoptee about her early experiences.  Curtis, whose sister was adopted from Cambodia and who herself adopted a child from Guatemala, was a social worker in Boston before becoming a full-time musician.  “You don’t look like me.  And baby we don’t look like you, But our love is so complete.  It don’t matter eyes are brown or blue.  There are people in this world who won’t understand our family.  We’ll protect you where we can.  Sometimes you’ll have to take a stand and help them see: Love takes the best of you.”

Ultimate Tracks – Smile – as made popular by Chris Rice [Performance Track]
This Christian praise song fits the adoption paper-chasing and wait stage perfectly! “Every minute takes an hour.  Every inch feels like a mile.  ‘Til I won’t have to imagine and I finally get to see You smile.  My journey’s here, but my heart is there.  So I dream and wait and I keep the faith, while You prepare our destiny.”

Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life) by Green Day.
We used this song during video of our last days in China and with our travel group, with whom we grew very close.  An international adoption trip is definitely a once-in-a-lifetime experience (no matter how many times you adopt, because each child and experience is so different)!  “Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.  Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.  So make the best of this test and don’t ask why.  It’s not a question, but a lesson learned in time.  I hope you had the time of your life.”

Give Yourself To Love (LP Version) by Kate Wolf.
This love song also describes familial love in a beautiful way.  “I always knew I’d find you, though I never did know how.  Like sunshine on a cloudy day, you stand before me now…. Love is born in fire.  It’s planted like a seed.  Love can’t give you everything, but it gives you what you need.”

Until (from Kate & Leopold) (Sting)
Sting wrote this beautiful love song soon after September 11, 2001; it is featured in the movie “Kate and Leopold” and received an Oscar nomination for Best Original Song.  “One day you’ll meet a stranger and all the noise is silenced in the room.  You’ll feel that you’re close to some mystery in the moonlight and everything shatters.  You’ll feel as if you’ve known her all your life: the world’s oldest lesson in history.”

“Christmas Morning” by Third Day.
This song details band member Brad Avery’s long, long wait to adopt his daughter from China.  “Christmas Morning” is a definite tearjerker with lyrics that include: “It’s Christmas-time again, but you’re not home.  Your family is here and yet you’re somewhere else alone.  So tonight I pray that God will come and hold you in His arms.”

“Happy Adoption Day” by Jim McCutcheon.
Inspired by a friend’s tradition, McCutcheon created “Happy Adoption Day” as an anniversary song for adoptions.  It seems to be a fairly popular option that even boasts a matching childrens book of the same name.  “Out of a world so tattered and torn… You came to our house on that wonderful morn… And all of a sudden this family was born.”

Cartwheels & Somersaults by Justin Roberts.
Although this children’s song is specific to girls, it is a great, upbeat song about bringing a new child into a home without being too age specific.  “Who knew a baby sister could come along and make us realize how much we’d always missed her?”

Lullabye for a Stormy Night by Vienna Teng.
This beautiful lullaby about a stormy night, which begins with the words “little child, be not afraid,” is another great option for those moments that may show a tough transition.

Daughters of China by Tim Chauvin.
In November 2001 and again in November 2003, Tim Chauvin and his wife Wynter traveled to the People’s Republic of China to bring home their daughters Marit and Mattie.  This song speaks about the “red thread” connection that all adopted daughters of China experience with one another. Although the melody and music are extremely simple, the lyrics make this song amazingly beautiful.

Song of the Traveling Daughter by Abigail Washburn.
This Appalachian folk artist never set out to become a songwriter or a recording artist, but stumbled into her career one night in a crowded, smoke-filled club in Beijing.  She strummed her banjo while singing along in Mandarin Chinese to a packed house… and she never looked back.  She has been quoted as saying that she wrote this specific song for the many Chinese adoptees now living in the United States.

Little Wonders by Rob Thomas.
This song, from the Meet The Robinsons movie soundtrack, seems a recent popular choice.  “Our lives are made In these small hours – These little wonders, These twists and turns of fate – Time falls away – But these small hours, These small hours, Still remain.”

The Promise by Tracy Chapman.
I’ve known several adult adoptees who say this is one of the best songs out there with an adoption theme.  “Together again, It would feel so good to be In your arms, Where all my journeys end.  If you can make a promise, If it’s one that you can keep, I vow to come for you If you wait for me.  And say you’ll hold A place for me In your heart.”

“So Young” by The Corrs.
These lyrics really fit our travel group’s experiences: “We are taking it easy; Bright and breezy; We are living it up; Just fine and dandy…. And it really doesn’t matter that we don’t eat.  And it really doesn’t matter that we don’t sleep.  It really doesn’t matter, it really doesn’t matter at all.  ‘Cause we were so young then; We are so young, so young now.  And when tomorrow comes We’ll just do it all again.”

This Is Home by Switchfoot.
Another more recent, popular choice, this song’s chorus speaks of discovering home.  “This is home.  Now I’m finally Where I belong, Where I belong.  Yeah, this is home.  I’ve been searching For a place of my own; Now I’ve found it.  Maybe this is home.  Yeah, this is home.”

What are y’alls favorite songs about or that apply to adoption?

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On this first Father’s Day without my father-in-law, I am reposting my husband’s tribute to this great man, spoken this past November at the funeral.

Hello. I am Tonggu Momma’s Husband. Squeak was my Dad and I am his son.

By the world’s standards, my Dad will most likely not be defined as a great man. Reporters and authors will not write books, magazine articles or front page news stories about him. But HE was great to ME. His moral compass was straight. His faith in God was strong. His compassion for people was carried far by his servants’ heart.

He taught me many things: how to skip stones on the lake; how to build a model airplane; how to swim over deep water; how to take apart a car and actually put it back together again; how to respect the game of golf – not just play it, but respect it; how to fix a sink or a toilet or a faucet; how to adjust my own sprinkler heads; how to treat my spouse; how to be accountable for my actions; what it means to work hard; why God should be important in my life; so many things.

But the most important thing my Dad ever taught me was how to build a successful family. Because you see, my Dad is not my Dad, but he IS my Dad. He taught me that family is larger than genetics, or geography, or bloodlines. I am an adopted son who never knew his birth father. I look on my brother and sister with love, yet I have a bitter taste whenever the world forces me to define them as my STEP-brother and STEP-sister. They are simply my brother and my sister. Why is that? Because my Dad’s heart never wavered when it came to his three kids. My sister is my sister and my brother is my brother, not because of anything we did, but because of what HE did – the way he treated me, just as he treated them.

My Dad’s legacy will live on for generations because he taught all of us that love, not bloodlines, is what builds a successful family. My wife and I adopted our daughter and we are in the process of adopting a second daughter. I’m doing this not because it was a method of last resort for us, but because it’s what I know as normal. Adoption was a first choice for me. And my Dad taught me that that was good. Most of my favorite things to do in life I learned from him: golfing, fixing cars, a healthy day’s pay for a healthy day’s work. But my most favorite thing, the thing in my day that I look forward to the most, is being a Dad to my adopted daughter, just like he was a Dad to me, his adopted son.

So to most of the world my Dad may not be a “great man,” but he was great to ME… and the world could stand to learn a lot from him. Hopefully he was great to many of you here today. I am blessed, my family is blessed and I pray that all of you have been blessed, because of my Dad.

Thank you for coming here today; it means so much to all of us.

When Tonggu Daddy isn’t thinking of his father, he spends his time hugging his daughter, working at The Borg and editing his flighty wife’s blog at Our Little Tongginator.

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And then we didn’t celebrate.

Because “not lymphoma” meant something else… not something life-threatening, thank God, but definitely something serious.  And it’s not something people tend to think about or worry about.  In fact, it’s something people tend to brush aside as being “not too big of a deal” until they really sit down with the information and look at the big picture.  As adoptive parents, we all need to be aware of this medical condition, especially if we adopted our children internationally.  It could happen to any of our children.  And it is happening right now to the Tongginator’s six-year-old friend.

Now in kindergarten, she was adopted from China at sixteen months of age.

And she is showing signs of precocious puberty.

Several studies,* including a much referenced Danish study, have proven that girls adopted internationally are at higher risk for early onset puberty (prior to age eight).  While researchers continue to explore the exact cause, most believe that the primary reason for precocious puberty among female international adoptees is a hormone imbalance caused because of nutritional changes that occur at the time of adoption.   When girls experience early, moderate to severe malnutrition and then, once adopted, receive an enriched, balanced diet, their hormones become imbalanced.  Their rapidly improved nutritional conditions increase insulin-like growth factor 1, which stimulates not only the maturation of ovarian follicles and their estrogen production, but also the hypothalamic secretion of gonadatrophin-releasing hormone (GnRH), which is typically low during childhood and activated at puberty.  The likelihood of precocious puberty increases even more if the girls are adopted after age two and/or experience rapid growth spurts in the years just following the adoption.

This is exactly what happened to the Tongginator’s friend.

I’m guessing that many of your adopted children showed signs of moderate to severe malnutrition when you first met them.  I know that was our situation… the Tongginator was diagnosed as severely malnourished and underweight, with rickets, and we fought off a failure to thrive diagnosis during our first six months home.  It was a similar story for the Tongginator’s friend.  In fact, she was even more malnourished than the Tongginator at the time of her adoption.  And, unlike the Tongginator, she began growing rapidly almost as soon as she arrived at her new home.

From ages two until now, she was always the tallest child in the crowd, regardless of race.  Athletically built and thin, she still managed to break all stereotypes about “petite Asian girls” because of her towering height.  And now?  Because of precocious puberty?  She may eventually be one of the shortest among her peers.  Most females grow no more than three inches after the onset of  menstruation.

She’ll probably begin taking hormones (daily! injections!) in a few years to try to counter this.

There are also the very serious social and emotional issues that come along with a precocious puberty diagnosis.  Girls who develop early may face teasing and resentment because they are more visibly developed than their peers.    Adults may expect the children to behave more maturely than is age-appropriate simply because they look older than their age.  This is especially difficult for children adopted during or after toddlerhood, since they are often emotionally less mature than same-age peers.  Researchers also believe that precocious puberty puts girls at higher risk of sexual abuse.

There is also the not-so-small matters of judgment and responsibility.  I don’t know about y’alls children, but my kindergartner still needs me to remind her to go to the bathroom sometimes.  Can you imagine life with a young child who is already menstruating?  I surely can’t.  As they age, girls who developed early are also at higher risk for early sexual activity and emotional problems.

Another not often talked about problem associated with precocious puberty in girls involves fertility issues later in life.  To be blunt, females only have so many eggs.  When they begin menstruating at age seven or eight rather than at age 12 or 13, their chances of conceiving a child decrease rapidly at age 30 rather than the more typical 35.  This is especially disheartening for adoptees, since many adult adoptees express an extreme desire to have biological children… their first known blood relatives.

Early puberty also puts girls at “far greater risk” for developing breast cancer later in life.  Data from one study conducted by the California Breast Cancer Research Program in Oakland discovered some startling statistics.  “[The study] indicates that if you get your first period before age 12, your risk of breast cancer is 50 percent higher than if you get it at age 16,” said the report’s author, biologist Sandra Steingraber, herself a cancer survivor.  “For every year we could delay a girl’s first menstrual period, we could prevent thousands of breast cancers.”

So what are signs of precocious puberty that parents should watch out for?

• the first and most obvious sign is breast enlargement, or budding (when the areola darkens and thickens, and the nipple becomes more prominent), which may be unilateral or asymmetric
• pubic and axillary hair may or may not appear, but also look for signs of clitoris enlargement and a change in color of the vaginal mucosa (from a deep-red color to a moist pastel-pink appearance)
• the pubertal growth spurt usually occurs early on
• mild acne may appear

Notice how menstruation is not on the list. If parents wait to talk with a doctor (preferably an experienced endocrinologist)  until after their daughter gets her period, there is often not much that can be done.

Much can be done, however, if precocious puberty is caught early enough.  There are hormone therapies available to slow down the onset of puberty.  Other ways parents can strive to avoid or slow down precocious puberty involve keeping their children active and healthy (obesity is also linked to early onset puberty) and perhaps consider using as many hormone-free foods as is economically possible.

Make yourself aware by keeping those symptoms in mind as your child grows and keep your doctor in the loop about your child’s health and you can be proactive.

* listed below are various studies concerning precocious puberty among international adoptees as well as the long-term medical effects of precocious puberty

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Two Fridays ago, as I dropped off yet another immigration packet update at our agency, I stumbled into an adoption placement. The director of my agency and I shared smiles during the paperwork hand-off as a young couple became parents for the first time, just a few feet from me. During my brief, two-minute visit, I watched the faces of those standing in the room, so filled with joy and hope, absolutely awe-struck while gazing at this three-month-old infant. My heart filled with the wonder of the moment, especially as I flashed back to the hotel ballroom where I became a momma to the Tongginator.

It sounds cliche to say this, but my heart swelled with love while I watched this young, brand-new momma gently take this sleepy infant into her arms for the first time.

After a few seconds of silent observation, I quietly shut the office door behind me, then stood with my back to the door, absorbing the unexpected moment and storing away the memory. I felt privileged to view such a life-changing event. Then I smiled and walked out to my car, with – I must admit – an added spring to my step. When I climbed into the driver’s seat, I noticed another woman directly across the parking lot, fiddling with something inside her car.

She was crying… sobbing, really.

I paused and watched as she removed an infant carrier from her car’s backseat and placed it in the boot. Tears streamed down her face as she shut the trunk, then braced herself against her car for a few minutes while the tears flowed.

A moment in time – so fraught with joy inside the four walls of the adoption agency and so filled with loss outside of the building. I’m not sure whether this woman was the child’s first mother or a foster mother, but I know that she felt tremendous love for that infant. And a tremendous sense of loss as she said her goodbyes.

The tears streaming down her face told the story. And it’s not one I will soon forget.

Tonggu Momma also writes at Our Little Tongginator.

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This study included 468 adult adoptees of all races and ethnicities, with the largest percentage of participants being Korean adoptees (179 respondents). This is THE largest study to date of adult adoptee experiences… most other adoption research studies focused on the adoptive parent experience OR asked questions of young adoptees while their adoptive parents sat in the room.

Way to stifle their voices, y’all.

This time the study asked adult adoptees to answer questions concerning personal demographic information as well as two aspects of identity important to transracial adoptees: adoptive identity and racial/ ethnic identity, both concepts that center around the all-encompassing “who am I?” question.  Who am I as an adoptee, with ties to both my first, biological family AND my adoptive family?  And, for those adopted transracially, who am I as a minority person raised by Caucasian parents?

The results speak for themselves.  For the first time, those within the adoption community can point to valid research that supports the personal anecdotes we’ve heard for these past twenty years.  The study states that adoption issues are important over a lifetime, peaking not during childhood nor adolescence, but later in adulthood.  The importance of adoption did indeed increase during the adolescent years, but it continued to grow during young adulthood for both Korean and Caucasian respondents.  In other words, adoption is a life-long journey… it never ends.

The study also states that racism and discrimination shape the identity of transracial adoptees in a huge way.  The majority of Korean adoptee respondents (78%) stated that they “sometimes/ often/ all the time” experienced racial teasing, but only 22% stated that they faced teasing because they were adopted.  These Korean adoptees faced this racial discrimination in childhood and adolescence “sometimes/ fairly often/ very often” from strangers (80%), classmates (75%), friends (48%) and teachers (39%).  The study also stated that the transracial adoptees who reported less racial teasing came from more diverse communities and more functional families.  Still, 78% of the Korean adoptee participants reported that they considered themselves or wanted to be White as children, although the vast majority grew to identify themselves as Asian-Americans during adulthood.

The study also included a list of activities the adult transracial adoptee participants thought would be helpful in forming their identities as adoptees raised by parents of a different race.  Adoptive parents: sit up and take notice:

Travel to birth country (74% thought it would be helpful)
Attending racially diverse schools (73%)
Having childcare providers, teachers and adult role models of their same race/ ethnicity (73%)
Family travel to culturally significant places (72%)
Reading information on the internet (71%)
Living in a racially diverse neighborhood (70%)
Reading books and articles on adoption (68%)
Cooking ethnic food or dining at restaurants (68%)
Regular contact with people of their same race/ ethnicity (67%)
Exposure to multicultural entertainment (64%)
Take classes to learn the history/ culture of birth country (64%)
Have same-race siblings (63%)
Events by adult adoptees/ adult adoptee organizations (63%)
Support group for adoptees (62%)
Involvement in ethnically diverse religious and/or social groups/ activities (62%)
Culture camp (61%)
Study birth language (59%)
Events sponsored by own ethnic group (55%)
Have traditional objects (dolls, toys, etc) from birth country (49%)
Having contact with birth relatives (47%)
Study martial art, traditional dance, etc (38%)

My husband and I were very fortunate to hear Adam Pertman, the executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, speak about the initial results of this study last year. It profoundly changed the way we parent our daughter, whom we adopted from China in 2005.

I hope and pray that it gives significant food for thought for ALL adoptive parents.

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The Chinese celebrate Harvest Moon Festival by gathering together with friends and relatives during a meal. It is a time of picnics, puppet shows and fireworks or lit, little red candles. Children sometimes wear pomelo hats , walk around carrying battery-powered lanterns hanging on sticks and hope that the Moon Lady, Chang Er, grants their one-of-a-kind, unforgettable, never-before-heard wishes. Families enjoy eating mooncakes, Rabbit-in-the-Moon cookies and Bubble Tea. Everyone spends their evening eating, drinking and gazing at the moon, looking for Chang Er or the Jade Rabbit, which is the Chinese equivalent of our Man in the Moon.

Most importantly, families spend the time together thinking of relatives far away, whether geographically or in the afterlife. Carrie Kitz, author of We See the Moon, inspired me with these thoughts about the Moon Festival:

The Moon Festival is one of my favorite times of year… In China, it’s also a time where folks wish on the moon to send messages to those who aren’t able to be with them for whatever reason. If there is any time in the year that our children’s birthparents might be thinking of them, this holiday is the one. So in our house, we use the Moon Festival to remember those who aren’t with us right now, but who are a part of our families. We think of aunts, cousins, grandparents, special friends and birth family who are half a world away.

And this sums up why our family celebrates the Mid-Autumn Festival.

But what do we do exactly, since we don’t have authentic knowledge of the traditions and customs? Personally, I think doing something is better than ignoring it all together. So we try. And we learn new things every year. Last year was my first attempt at making bubble tea. The mooncakes were a bust, so we *blush* ate moon pies. (I know, I know.) We’ll be trying again, hopefully with more edible results, but – if not – the back-up moon pies are in the pantry.  We spent some time gazing at the moon, or – in the case of the Tongginator – gazing at the flashlight beam, which for some reason seemed much more interesting.  We also sent out an email yesterday to our family and friends who live far away, reminding them of this Asian holiday and ending with the sentence: “If you have time on Saturday night and the skies are clear, get outside, enjoy the moon, be still for awhile and know that we are thinking about and praying for y’all.”

On Saturday, we will attend a Fall Festival sponsored by our local Families with Children from China chapter. We also have a neighborhood celebration to attend – it’s potluck, so I’ll bring Rabbit-in-the-Moon cookies (recipe found in this book). The Tongginator typically goes to bed by 7:30 every evening, but she’ll stay up later on this special night.

(Did you know that Chinese folklore states that the later one stays up on this night, the longer one’s parents live? Not that this in any way influenced our decision. *cough, cough*)

During our special, past-bedtime family hour, we will read a few books outside, by flashlight, including We See the Moon, The Moon Lady and Round is a Mooncake: A Book of Shapes. We’ll also read two poems by Li Bai about the moon that we found in the book Maples in the Mist: Children’s Poems From the Tang Dynasty as well as this poem:

We are hoping that our new books Moon Festival and Lin Yi’s Lantern arrive in time, but I just ordered them, so we will see.  (The book Moonbeams, Dumplings & Dragon Boats: A Treasury of Chinese Holiday Tales, Activities & Recipes also has a chapter on the Moon Festival, with a few recipes and instructions for making shadow puppets.)  And we’ll probably have a few coloring pages on hand (found here) for the Tongginator, if she’s feeling the urge to color rather than create.

What will y’all do?

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Instead, I was a pimply-faced teenager, wearing an ugly sweatshirt and sporting fingernails bitten down to the quick.  I remember that day so clearly because it was the day I met my cousin for the very first time… Sleeping Beauty, an adorable little baby my aunt and uncle adopted from Korea just a few months before I met her.  My aunt and uncle had adopted their son, another one of my dozens of cousins, seven years before, when I was too young to dream of my own children.  But Sleeping Beauty arrived in my life at a time when many young girls flash-forward a decade or two, imagining the time that they, too, will hold a little one in their arms.

Tonggu Momma with Sleeping Beauty in 1991

That day, I cuddled Sleeping Beauty close and – for a split second – I imagined my life with a daughter who looked just like her.

Well, my daughter, whom my husband and I adopted from China, doesn’t look just like my Korean-born cousin, but – to quote my five-year-old Tongginator – they DO have “the same shiny, black, Mulan hair.”  Sometimes it takes my breath away to think of how our pasts can so radically shape our futures.

Sleeping Beauty with the Tongginator, last weekend

My cousin Sleeping Beauty is no longer an adorable little infant, forced by her ultra-feminine momma to wear pink, ruffles and lace.  She is no longer a young child with few opinions about adoption and culture and life in general.  Almost two decades later, she is a bright, attractive and self-assured eighteen-year-old, heading off to college for the very first time.  She is someone who loves her family, is dating a young, Chinese-American man, expresses more interest in learning about Japanese rather than Korean culture and generally feels content about her adoption story… at least for now.

The husband, Tongginator and I visited with Sleeping Beauty over Labor Day weekend… one last hurrah before life takes her on this next grand journey.  She and I talked quite a bit about race, school, adoption and culture.  I asked her questions and truly listened to her answers.  One thing I find absolutely fascinating is that Sleeping Beauty and her brother, both raised within the same family, feel VERY differently about their adoption stories.  Sleeping Beauty feels that part of this stems from personality, but much of it also stems from different life experiences.  You see, seven years separate her from her brother in age.  When her older brother attended their local elementary school, he was one of only TWO minority children in the ENTIRE school… and the ONLY Asian-American.  By the time Sleeping Beauty reached kindergarten age, the school population had become more diverse, although each of her classes only averaged about three or four minority children within every class of 28ish students.

Still… what a significant difference.

I found it quite interesting that Sleeping Beauty spent quite a bit of time asking me questions, too.  It makes me wonder about her comfort level in asking my aunt and uncle about all things race- and adoption-related, although I never did ask her about it.  Perhaps I felt afraid of her answer.  At one point during our conversation, my cousin shared with me how blessed the Tongginator was to be adopted by Tonggu Daddy and me.  When she said that, I paused for a bit, then…

TONGGU MOMMA: You know, I can’t say that her life is a better life because we adopted her, but I can definitely say that we’ve given her a different life.  She’s for sure made OUR lives better, but, as to the rest… (I shrugged my shoulders)

SLEEPING BEAUTY: (pondering that for a second) Well, I feel that my life was better.  I feel so blessed that my parents adopted me and that I was raised here in America.

TONGGU MOMMA: (nodding my head slowly) I’m glad, cousin.  And I hope and pray the Tongginator feels the same when she is your age and even older.  But that’s not something the Husband and I can ever feel or say for her.  Because only the Tongginator has a right to decide whether or not she feels her life was better because we adopted her.

SLEEPING BEAUTY: Well, I hope she will.  I know I do.

I hope she will, too, cousin.  I surely hope she will.

Although Tonggu Momma still sometimes acts and looks like a teenager (complete with acne, ratty sweatshirts and fingernails bitten down to the quick), she tries to pretend to be a grown-up at her blog Our Little Tongginator.

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