She is noticeably pregnant now and the other night on facebook was complaining about the things people say to her now that they realize she really is pregnant. The one that annoys her the most is “don’t you know how this happens.” Her response to them “is it that surprising that a 35 year old woman is having a baby???? Or are people just shocked that a married couple is still doing what it takes to get pregnant in the first place???” I actually chuckled when I read that. And then I felt a lot better.

Recently, Aaron and I decided that in January we would start the process to adopt another child, through the foster care system in our state. I know that I am smack dab in the middle of the 2’s and will be in the 3’s before I know it, times 2, but that just makes me want another child more not less. The comments we have heard when we tell people that we will be starting the process again totally shock and amaze me:

“you already have a boy and a girl why would you want anymore?”

“isn’t two enough?”

“you know how crazy kids are at 3, why would you want to start another adoption now?”

“how are you going to afford that”

“do you know the kinds of problems a child from that system could have”

“I thought your family was complete”

I really wish I had a witty response like my friends. I love her response, but I have nothing. I usually just smile and nod and walk away wondering why I even opened my mouth. I have also made a mental note of all these people and they will not be hearing from us that we have a new family member. It is nice to know that that people say the darndest things to pregnant women expanding their family as well as me when I say we will be adopting again.

What have people said to you when you announced another adoption or even the first adoption? How did you respond?

Carissa has been MIA over at her own blog My Everyday Miracles, but hopes to be back soon!

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When we were placed with Gabriel, through foster care, he had two fathers on paper – a ‘legal’ father, the man his birth mother was married to at the time of his birth, and a ‘biological’ father – the man listed on the birth certificate.  His legal father quickly relinquished his rights, but his birth father did not.  The state contacted him directly through certified mail, ‘published’ for him and contact his extended relatives, requesting he take a paternity test.  But, no response from him.

The state moved their case forward, after 3 years of waiting for him to respond, and begun the process of terminating his rights.  After all, there had been no word from this man in over three years.

Jeff and I got to court one spring morning, anxious for the judge to terminate his biological father’s rights *this* time – the last piece in the puzzle to Gabriel being legally free.  When we arrived, our social worker greeted us.

“I have bad news,” she started.  It seemed every time we talked to her those days that is how it went. “We heard from Gabriel’s biological father, and he completed the paternity test yesterday.”

“What were the results?” Jeff and I asked immediately – if it didn’t prove paternity, then we had nothing to fear.

“I don’t know, I don’t have the results yet, I just heard from the lab that he came to the appointment.  But there is more bad news.”

Jeff and I held our breath.

“Our regular judge is sick today.  We expect that the substitute judge will rule to wait to see the results of the birth father’s paternity test.  He won’t terminate his parental rights today.”

Jeff and I were sick.  But, given that this is how the entire process was going for us; we weren’t surprised.  We sat down and waited to be called into the court room to see what would happen.

When our case was announced, we went in and took a seat.  The judge came to our case, from behind his large wooden desk at the front of the room, started to review our paperwork, and our social worker stood up to address the court, “After not hearing from him for the last 3 years, he took the paternity test at the 11^th hour yesterday.”

The judge looked over the paperwork, and Jeff and I sat close together, holding hands, on the bench in the corner.

Then the Judge started talking, “It is my ruling that since we don’t have the results to review at this hearing, he waited too long.  I am terminating his parental rights.”

Jeff and I looked from the judge to the social worker, who looked over her shoulder and smiled at us.

That was it.  One sentence, one morning, and the waiting was over.

Gabriel was legally free.

After going through the adoption finalization process, they disclosed everything to us about his birth father that they knew, including that his sister had pushed him into taking the paternity test because she wanted to adopt Gabriel.  But also little things like how much he liked to work on cars.

That little bit of info, combined with the full disclosure of his address, and family’s addresses, has remained on my mind ever since.

Should I contact him?

My gut is yes – I should contact him.  Yes, I should to at least ask questions.  Get photos.

But, there is always so much going on in our lives.  Gabriel struggles so much with autism, sensory processing disorder, bipolar, learning disabilities and more.  Will this just add stress to his life?  Or worse yet, will his birth father understand Gabriel’s challenges?  Accept them?

I always stop shy of contacting him.  I just feel like my ‘plate’ is so full of everything else, and Gabriel’s is too.  I am not sure that either of us could handle it.

But then again, maybe he would just send photos…and when Gabriel starts asking about his biological father (a subject he hasn’t ever brought up at this point), I would have something to show him, and maybe even some answers.

Answers would be good, because I have a lot of questions.  Does Gabe’s birth father have other kids?  Is he thinking of Gabriel?  Does Gabriel look like him?  Does Gabriel act like him?  What is his version of Gabriel’s birth story?

There are times that I see my biological boys with my husband and the resemblance is just uncanny.  From their physical features, to their expressions, mannerisms and way of looking at the world – that I can’t help but think there is a man out there that shares those things with Gabriel.

Don’t I need to find him?  To say something to express my deep gratitude and love for being able to raise a child he created?  I don’t have the words for that, but it seems I should at least start with Happy Father’s Day.

What do you think?

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Sandra Bullock’s adoption of an African American child has set the comments section of many a news program ablaze, calling into question the practice of transracial adoption.  I used to really have a hard time with those comments, and would ruminate over them and let it really get to me.  But lately, I think I’ve just developed a thicker skin. Or maybe more confidence. Because the truth is, comments like that just don’t bother me anymore. I’ve read it all by this point, if not on my blog, then on someone else’s.  And I realize that statements like that are usually made out of a lack of objectivity or resentment (and usually from people who are doing very little to actually solve the orphan problem). It just rolls right off my back. Like someone saying “Los Angeles is south of Orange County”. Um, no, that’s just not true. I can’t argue with crazy.

I adopted an African American boy as an infant.  They searched for an African American family for months while he languished in a sub-par foster home.  In the absence of an available black family, he was placed with us. I will not use specifics to talk about the circumstances of his birth family, because I refuse to throw my son’s birth family under the bus to tell off a couple of strangers. If Jafta ever wants to tell the story of why he was removed from their care, it’s his story to tell.

But suffice it to say . . . he’s better off.

Is he going to struggle a bit with his racial identity being raised in a family that looks different from him? Yeah. Probably. And yet he’s still better off than he would be in the situation he came from. Might my Haitian son lose some of his cultural identity leaving Haiti and coming to live with a family in the US? Yeah. For sure.

I will do the best I can to help my kids grieve those losses, and I’m not blind to the fact that all the love in the world will not put a band-aid on that. But when we look at the hierarchy of needs for a child’s development, things like safety, family, stability, love, attention, and care are more important than race. While there are still children growing up without family, all this talk of preserving cultural identity by leaving kids in foster care or a hostile environment or an orphanage, is kind of like offering a homeless person a pretty sofa when what they need is a house.

Because until we figure this thing out and every child has the basic human right to a loving parent, I don’t want to hear about it.

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Grown in My Heart Blogs (excluded from the 101)

1. 4 Crazy Kings (retired)
2. According to Addie Adoptee
3. Bump Fairy Surrogate
4. A Bushel and a Peck Ethiopia
5. Can I Get a Do-Over? Russia, Special Needs
6. Chicago Law Blogger Law
7. Gotcha Baby Domestic
8. The International Mom China, Guatemala, Special Needs
9. Kingcade Kitchen (retired)
10. Musings of the Lame First Mother
11. My Everyday Miracles Korea, Special Needs
12. Our Little Tongginator China, Special Needs
13. Rage Against the Minivan, Foster Care, Haiti
14. Signs of Hope (read more about Carrie in her interview), China, Special Needs
    

With that said…here are our top 101.

We have only chosen sites that have been updated since the first of the year.  Grab your badge!

Informational and Adoptee Rights

1. AdopteeRights.net
2. AdopteeRights.org
3. Bastard Nation
4. Ethica
5. FRUA
6. Green Ribbon Campaign for Open Records
7. Guatadopt
8. Love Isn’t Enough
9. Motherlode
10. Nobody is Forgotten
11. OriginsUSA
12. PEAR: Parents for Ethical Adoption Reform
13. Senior Mothers Adoption Activist Coalition
14. Voices for Vietnam Adoption Integrity
15. Worldwide Orphans Foundation

Domestic Adoption

1. (A) Dad
2. Chasing a Child
3. Letters to a Birthmother
4. Life from Here: Musings From the Edge
5. Peter’s Cross Station
6. Production, Not Reproduction
7. this woman’s work
8. Weebles Wobblog

International Adoption: Asia

1. Adoption Talk
2. American Family
3. Another Ordinary Miracle
4. A Place Called Simplicity
5. Becoming a Family
6. Crazy for Kids
7. Do They Have Salsa in China?
8. Kimchi Mamas
9. La Bicicleta
10. Ni Hao, Y’all
11. No Hands But Ours
12. O Solo Mama
13. So it’s come down to this…
14. Third Mom

International Adoption: South America

1. Another Expresso Please
2. Artificially Sweetened
3. Where Laughter Lives: The Riggs Family Blog
4. Michelle Smiles

International Adoption: Europe

1. The Accidental Mommy
2. American Girls in Moscow
3. Come Undone
4. Life With Bubba, Chicky and Nika
5. Solnichka Babies
6. Uterine Wars

International Adoption: Africa and Caribbean

1. Around the World and Two Kids
2. Ethiopia or Bust
3. Is There Any Mommy Out There?
4. The Livesay [Haiti] Weblog
5. Rooted in Love
6. welcome to my brain

First Parents

1. Adoption Truth
2. Birth Mother, First Mother Forum
3. The Chronicles of  Munchkinland
4. I Should Really be Working
5. Magic Pointe Shoes
6. Motherhood Deleted
7. Not Mother
8. Paragraphein  (password protected)
9. Wet Feet
10. Writing My Wrongs

Adoptees

1. 3 Generations of Adoption (adoptee and adoptive mom)
2. Adopt This
3. amy
4. Anti-adoption
5. Baby Love Child
6. The Daily Bastardette
7. Ethnically Incorrect Daughter
8. Faiths and Illusions (adoptee and adoptive mom)
9. Joy’s Division
10. Harlow’s Monkey
11. Heart, Mind, and Seoul (adoptee and adoptive mom)
12. Land of the Not-So-Calm
13. Outlandish Remarks
14. Out of the Fog
15. Ungrateful Little Bastard
16. Shadow Between Two Worlds

Infertility/ Adoption After Infertility

1. A Little Pregnant
2. And I Wasted All that Birth Control
3. Baby Interrupted
4. Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed
5. Stirrup Queens
6. So Close
7. The Egg Drop Post
8. The Fertile Infertile
9. This Cross I Embrace
10. Silent Sorority

Foster Care / Foster Care Adoption

1. Fostering Pride
2. Overwhelmed with Joy
3. Upside-Down Adoption

Loss

1. Crib Chronicles
2. Life after Fertility and Loss
3. Naptime Confessional
4. Parenthood for Me
5. The Spohrs are Multiplying
6. Sweet/Salty
7. To Write Their Names in the Sand

Surrogacy

1. The Good Eggs
2. I’m a Smart One

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We’ve tried to make sure that we have enjoyed every possible freedom that comes from having children that are considered legally yours!  We definitely don’t take that for granted!  The past few months have been so much fun as we have gotten used to the idea that all of the tension of uncertainty is over.  I can’t tell you what a huge burden has been lifted.  To know that we have our sweet baby girl forever is so incredibly wonderful!

You would think that I would want to continue to enjoy several more months, if not years of “freedom” before deciding to foster again.  Quite the contrary!!  I’m just about ready to have foster baby #2 join our family!  I need a few more weeks of time with just my sweet little angel and we’ll be ready!  We had an amazing baby shower thrown for us by our church just  a few weeks ago and we are set!  Our darling was showered with enough clothes to last her until she is three!  She was also gifted a new crib and GIRLY bedding!  So, her old crib and cute gender-neutral Ikea bedding will be home to baby #2!  The room is completely set up and ready for our next little precious one!  I am just so excited to love on another baby and provide some stability for a while! I can’t wait to see who we get to love on!

I think some people think we are crazy for adding another little one to our family, but we couldn’t be happier!  It brings no greater joy to me than to see that child being loved on by so many of our family members, friends and church members.  I know that it will be hard on all three of us, as well as our families, as we realistically prepare for our next foster baby.  We are having to prepare our hearts that we are in this to provide a temporary home for a child in need until they can be reunified with their parents.  That was our original intent with our daughter.  She was our first foster baby and our first daughter. We never expected to adopt one of our foster babies, much less our first one!   So, we’ll be working on adjusting expectations over the next few months and getting back to the real point of foster care and carrying out our mission.

Aubrey also writes at Kingcade Kitchen.

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Though many are familiar with some basic details of adoption and foster care, it can be hard to find information on the typical foster adoption. The reason: there is no typical foster adoption.

Every state has so many different regulations and every child will come with a different story to work through. It makes it really difficult to know what to expect. We are still wading through the politics, laws, court hearings, social workers, paper work, etc. for our Oklahoma foster adoption. I am definitely not an expert in this area, but I can speak on my own personal experience and really want to share some basics that we have learned through our experience.

Here are things you may want to know if you are considering foster adoption:

-Just because a child is in your home for foster care, does not mean they will be available for adoption. You may have several foster children enter and leave your home before you are able to adopt. Preparing yourself for this, emotionally, is vital.

-It can take many months or even years for parental rights to be terminated. You will not know if the child is adoptable until the point that the parental rights are officially terminated. In most states, parents are allowed numerous attempts at improving their situation prior to termination.

-It is very important to be your foster child’s advocate. Ways to advocate for your child include attending court dates with them, keeping in good contact with their social workers, attending visitation with your foster child, having a positive relationship and good rapport with both the birth family and social workers, and getting the child in a support or play group.

-Once parental rights are terminated, if none of the child’s family members are willing or approved to adopt your foster child, you are given first priority. You do not have to adopt the child, but your family is generally first approached, since you have a relationship with the child.

-The adoption process is often lengthy. It is essential that you keep a good relationship with your child’s social worker, adoption caseworker, and attorney. Keeping in contact several times weekly, will help expedite your child’s adoption. However, be aware that since you are adopting through the state and not a private agency, your foster child’s adoption may not be number one priority, among the many cases they see each day. Therefore, the “squeaky wheel” really does get the “grease”. Typically, state agencies are not quite as concerned with the speed of the adoption, as you may be, since they know the child is safe, which is their top priority.

-If there are other siblings currently or in the future, you will likely be asked to adopt them, as well. You are not required to adopt them, but you are usually the first asked.

Foster Adoption Logistics:
-Foster adoption in the US is generally free or very inexpensive, including attorney fees.
-Some foster children qualify for subsidies up until the age of 18.
-Some states pay for daycare up until a certain age.
-You will be required to have a full homestudy, background checks, finger printing, physicals, etc.
-Your child will be provided Medicaid until the age of 18.
-You are paid each month to foster that child, but payments will cease at the time of adoption.
-Post placement services are provided until the child turns 18.

We were very surprised to learn that this option was free for us. We had actually saved each of the foster checks in case she was later adoptable. We later realized, we would be using this for college, instead. Foster adoption is a wonderful option, but definitely an option where you will be in limbo for months or even years and it is not a sure thing. What is a sure thing, is that you are helping a child and a family through uncertain times. If you are interested in foster adoption, start your journey to get the parent better through supporting and loving them and improve the living situation for the child, first. If the end result is adoption, may God bless you. Either way, the main goal of foster adoption is to provide a loving and secure family for this child.

Aubrey also writes at her personal blog, Kingcade Kitchen, between changing diapers and playing baby dolls with her little one.

For more information about Foster Care:

Success as a Foster Parent: Everything You Need to Know About Foster Care

Practical Tools for Foster Parents

Foster Parenting: A Simple Guide to Understanding What It’s All About

Another Place at the Table

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Save the Children and Unicef both believe that children are better off in their home countries. Save the Children has gone so far as to say that international adoption can actually  “exacerbate the problem it hopes to solve…the very existence of orphanages encourages poor parents to abandon children in the hope that they will have a better life.”

E.J. Graff states in yesterday’s New York Times article that “too often, the amounts of money that Western adoption agencies spend in poor countries is helping to defraud, coerce or kidnap children away from families that wanted to raise them to adulthood”.

Are there really that many families being coerced into giving their children away?

And, are we, adoptive parents, suppose to leave children in orphanages so they can sleep 10 children to a room, eat cold and non-nutritious food, and in my son’s case, be so neglected and abused that he still has Post Traumatic Stress?

Unicef argues for the creation of foster care but looks the other way when they know that in most countries foster care does not work as well as adoption. Sure, there are plenty of cases of kidnapping and extortion. We all know there is SOME corruption. Fix it.

But, what about the best interest of the child?

Shouldn’t that be the standard? Both my sons needed a home. We gave it to them. We didn’t save them, we didn’t kidnap them from their birth parents. We adopted children who were in need of parents and in need of a home.

Were they orphans? No. In fact, most international adoptees are not actually orphans. What happens more often than kidnappings and extortion is hardship:

After losing a husband to AIDS and facing their own sickness, poor women may turn to adoption in a desperate attempt to secure a brighter future for their children. These brave, selfless and courageous women should not be branded as “baby sellers” or too ignorant or poor to love their children.

The antiracist parent, Julie Corby has the standard right in her rebuttal to E.J. Graff…

It seems to me that Graff is against any international adoption. I don’t think anyone would argue that the best thing for a child would be to grow up with his birth family, in his country of origin, but what about the kids for whom that is an impossibility?

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I often forget we work at an orphanage.

After all, we call it a foster home.  And, if you go there during the daytime hours, the place is buzzing with so much activity that one has no time to think about the fact that all of the children are orphans.  Compared to most orphanages, the place is paradise!  To be honest, on most days, the kids don’t even seem to notice what they’re missing!  Between arts and crafts in preschool, a game of hide and seek on the playground, and a big lunch in the main dining hall with all the other staff and students, it really feels more like a preschool or a daycare.  I usually leave at 5 p.m., and sometimes I half-expect to pass parents pulling into our parking lot to pick up their children after a long day’s work.

But something changed when I spent the night at the foster home.  The foster home is a different place after-hours.  There are no visitors and very few staff (other than the night nannies) who stay past 6:00 pm or so.  I arrived at around 7:00 to begin my night shift.  I started in the downstairs playroom, where all the kids, fresh from their evening baths and with full bellies, were quite ecstatic to have this break from the routine.

From 7:00 to 8:00 it was me and about 7 toddlers, singing songs like Row, Row, Row Your Boat, Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, and the Wheels on the Bus, and playing Ring Around the Rosy and Duck, Duck Goose.  (We usually had about 5 geese at any given point; no one wanted to be ducks!)  The nannies were busy tending to all the little details that comes from mothering 21 kids — making sure everyone who needed it had their evening medications, changing diapers, brushing hair.  So it was just me and the toddlers in the playroom, and being the center of the children’s attention was quite fun — though occasionally a bit overwhelming.  They play until about 8:00 or so, when everyone lines up for a last cup of milk, their own toothbrush, and finally a drink of water — the requisite goodnight tonic for children around the world.

(Picture from the Regional Baby Home in Arkhangelsk, Russia.)

That’s when I realized I was in an orphanage.

Since there 21 children to put to bed and only a few night nannies on shift, no one gets the prolonged nighttime routines familiar to many children around the world.  No stories.  No cuddling with mom before drifting off to sleep.  I put Cheryl to bed, and I think she knew I was a softie who was new at this gig.  As I turned out the light and left her room, she started crying.  (Most of the kids don’t cry at bedtime; it is business as usual and a common routine.)  Even though there was a part of me that knew since every night she has to fall asleep by herself, turning around was only giving her a taste of something she couldn’t have right now, I couldn’t keep going.  I turned around and sat beside her crib, gently stroking her face and singing her a song until her eyes grew heavy.  Cheryl is one of the children who tries to act very strong, yet I see her deep emotional woundings as clearly as I see her disabled leg.  It’s hard to describe, but I know her heart aches for a family…  For a mother to tuck her in every night.

She’s usually so strong — unnaturally so for a 3 year old.  But tonight in the dark quiet of her bedroom, I saw something in her eyes.  A brokenness… a vulnerability… an openness to and desire for love.  But she was so guarded.  I never let my gaze waver from her eyes, but she could only look at me for a few seconds at a time.  Her eyes would dart away, but then they were back again.  Back and forth she went, until her eyes couldn’t stay open any longer.

As she fell asleep, I sadly realized something.  No matter what we call it, it is still an orphanage.  No matter what programs we offer and how much we try to make life happy for the kids, there is still an emptiness.  No matter how much we love them, there is still a longing.  And no matter how much we try to heal and bind up wounded hearts, there is still a brokenness.

As I fell asleep on the couch in our foster home, listening to the soft sounds of a house filled with sleeping children, I dreamed of the day when each of these children has the family they deserve.

Hasten the day…

**********

I first wrote this story in November of 2008.  In just about a week, Cheryl’s family will be coming to China to adopt her.  Her name is now Sophie, and I am thankful beyond description to know that soon she’ll never experience another night of falling asleep by herself.

——

Carrie also writes about her life in a Chinese foster home on her blog, Signs of Hope.

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The world simply wants to pretend this doesn’t happen.  Even people in the adoption community can be harsh toward a family that needs out of home placement.  Permanently, it is called disruption or dissolution and comes with insane amounts of heartbreak for every member of the family – the child, the parents, siblings…but, it’s real.  Another real fact is that many children can’t live in the home, but disruption is not the chosen option.

What other options are there?  We are struggling with this exact question.  Recent events have led us to understand that our middle son is not thriving in our home.  Maybe that’s putting it too kindly.  He is actually unsafe here – not to himself – but to others (both human and animal).  Many families choose RTC (residential treatment centers) which are almost always full and when space can be found, many are quite temporary.  There are organizations that work extensively with troubled children…at a cost that could wipe out the whole family.  Most adoptive families I know do not have $100,000 a year sitting around to send their child to a reputable place.  Therefore, most suffer in silence.

Yes, we adopted internationally and understood that our state system would not have a cross to bear in our adoption…but this happens in fost-adopt all too often.  It’s hard to get help.  Talking to attorney’s about options is basically a report of the fees of it all.  Two hundred fifty dollars an hour for a process that can be endless is not rare.  Again, this is for disruption…and once they are your children – once you’ve loved them…how hard that decision is.

Even options that are remotely available and financially possible are not always the best ones.  You start to weigh the simple fact of getting to live a small amount of life without the threat against all the other emotions you have.  There is military school – boarding schools…but, will it help?  Or is it just for your own good…and how selfish is that.  What if another child is at risk by leaving this child in your home?  Double edge and very sharp since you can also be in trouble for not protecting the second child.

Where is the line?  I try to find it everyday.  I look for signs that we can work this out.  Signs that we can remain a healthy family with him here everyday.  We have found two options and I wonder how many other families are searching…looking for ways to make it all work.  If you are – know that I am too and it’s hard.

What would you do?

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How often does this happen? In Indiana alone, it’s happened 18 times in the past two years (this link takes you to another case, the right side bar details the 11 children who died between 11/07 and 6/09) All too often a child’s picture is splashed across the headlines, along with a biography of his or her short life. And this is just in one state. One state with a population less than that of New York City.

In the most recent story to be covered by the Indianapolis Star, Jeremiah was a boy whom his mother dropped off with relatives who thought the world of him. She put her son in their care so that he would be safe. For six years, they were his primary caregivers, really, parents in every way they could be. His mother signed over guardianship for educational and medical purposes. But she drew short of consenting to an official adoption. If she did that, she would lose the welfare money she was drawing because of Jeremiah.

If you read the accompanying time line on the Star website, you will see that his mother has a long history with the Department of Child Services,  for various issues with her other children. Jeremiah, however, was safe. He was safe until it was pointed out that he actually needed to live with her in order for her to receive benefits for him. She then immediately took him away from the only real home he’d ever known.

Five months later, he was dead. He was dead from a gunshot wound to the head, inadvertently catching a bullet that was meant for his mother. The gun was fired by her violent boyfriend.

I am all for encouraging people to parent children born to them. I am all for providing resources, financial and material to keep families together. I know plenty of people who’ve drawn on government and private donations to keep themselves afloat, to keep their children clothed and fed, and to keep a roof over their heads.  These people are driven by the love they have for their children. They are driven by the fact that they know their children are counting on them.

But what happens when that isn’t the parent’s goal? What happens when the children involved aren’t even close to a priority? What happens when the parent can’t put the child first? When the child is an inconvenient after thought?

All too often, that child is abused, neglected, or somehow killed (by neglect, abuse or accident). This should not be acceptable or tolerated. SOMEONE has to stand up for these children. SOMEONE has to put the needs of an innocent child before the wants of a selfish adult. Somehow, children need to be protected from the domestic violence that goes on around them. Somehow, children need to be protected from adults who disregard them to such an extent that they can’t provide a safe home. At some point, a child’s basic right to a safe and loving home has to trump the adults’ selfishness. That right has to trump the fact that the adult may be trying but not succeeding, or really not interested in trying but interested in the welfare benefits attached to the child.

After his death, Jeremiah’s three half-siblings were removed from his mother’s care. I pray that they remain safe, and that they somehow find a home where they are truly safe and loved.

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