Why all this?

I am lucky enough to have a brilliant OBGYN who connected my mother’s colon cancer to my endometriosis and colon polyps. To give you some history, my mother had colon cancer when she was 40, an extremely early age for colon cancer, as 90% of people get colon cancer after the age of 50.

There are some inherited syndromes that my OBGYN thought might be the cause of my colon polyps, as I have already had two colonoscopies in which they found several polyps; Familial adenomatous polyposis (FAP) and Hereditary non-polyposos colon cancer (HNPCC) . What is distressing about HNPCC is that it has a high risk of causing endometrium and ovarian cancer, something that I could be at risk for because of my endometriosis.

While I am worried about the outcome of these tests it also started me thinking about my sons. I have family history. Enough family history that I can see a geneticist and know all of this information about my own body before I even undergo some of these invasive tests.

My sons can’t do that.

I know adoptees always talk about their sealed birth records but what about their medical records? Their family medical history? I’m sure they want this too. Just another reason domestic adoptions should be open (and birth records should be opened, right?)

But, internationally this just doesn’t happen. I have to search. I’m searching through Russian Sibling Searches to find my AJ’s birth sibling in the US and I’ve asked our agency to help track him down as well.  I’m now also requesting the US government* to send ALL of our sons’ social history and court papers (you know, that little big white envelope they came with?) .

That still just doesn’t cut it for me. I want to know more. Was AJ’s birth mother bi-polar like him or did it skip a generation? Or, did it come from his birth father? Does Gus have poor teeth like his birth parents or did he get those teeth because of his insane sweet tooth? Did he inherit that sweet tooth too?

Or, is that sweet tooth just from me, ’cause it could be…it certainly could.

I’m beginning to think these questions will haunt me and my children forever…but I’ll continue to search because I believe they have the right to know.

G-884 Form
What it is: Your child is entitled to original documents concerning his immigration and adoption process. (Remember that sealed envelope you handed over at airport immigration?) What you need: Two forms of ID along with a notarized G-884 form. There is no filing fee. How to proceed: Complete the G-884form (uscis.gov/files/form/g-884. pdf). Be very specific about what you are asking for: “all photos or other documents concerning my child’s adoption.” If your child entered the U.S. with an IR-3 visa, contact the Buffalo, New York, USCIS office (childcitizenship- act@dhs.gov or 716-843- 7903). They will tell you where to mail the completed form. If your child entered the country with an IR-4 visa, contact the USCIS office that processed your child’s immigration. There may be some paperwork (such as the birthmother’s birth certificate) that can’t be sent from the G-884. Request it by filing a G-639 Form (uscis.gov/files/form/g-639.pdf).

I remember one young girl who came to me in tears one day because she did not know how to create her family tree, as her father was not in her life at all. Her mother had remarried but she also did not consider her new father’s family as her own yet.

I told her to talk with her mother about it that night and to do the best she could with the project, that she would come up with something. Basically, I told her to deal with it.

I didn’t do anything to help her or console her. What I did was tell her to figure it out on her own.

Major FAIL

A few years later while we were in the process of adopting I realized exactly what needed to be done…the entire project needed to be revamped because we obviously were not helping kids who had non-traditional families. Why it took my life situation to realize this I don’t know….but it did.

So, I approached a few of the teachers still using this writing project and asked them to incorporate some alternative family trees. They had the same approach I used to have…the kids will figure it out if they need to.

As teachers it is not our job to  make the kids figure it out on their own but to be a guide and give them options.

Here are some that you, as parents, can give to your child’s teacher at the beginning of the school year. Alternative families are now the norm and assignments need to be reflective of that.

There is also a great listing of how to search for your adoption family history (family tree) at Cyndi’s List-Adoption and About.com-Adoption Resources

• Adoption Clubhouse offers 4 options in kid-friendly language.
• Adoption Competent School Assignments talks about the bias and the correct way to do particular assignments.
• Teachers Guide to Adoption-I love this one because it provides information for teachers on the many alternate ways that families come together…foster, adoption, same sex, etc.
• The Russia Adoption Blog on Adoptionblogs.com has a 4-part series on Family Trees titled: Family tree assignments: what’s the big deal? part 1. This one is certainly worth a read.
• Creating Family Trees for Adoptive Families- Creating hearts, leaves, and caring trees as alternatives
• Circle of Caring- Who Cares about You?
• Adoption and the Schools, by Nancy Ng and Lansing Wood, a guide to help parents and teachers anticipate problematic assignments, communicate effectively, and support learning. Read our review at www.adoptivefamilies.com/books.php.
• Adoptive Families Together, site of a Massachusetts-based support organization that offers family tree­style templates in down-loadable PDF format (go to AFT’s site and scroll down to “Alternatives to the Traditional Family Tree Assignments”).
• Are Those Kids Yours? by Cheri Register (Free Press, 1990), covers a range of international-adoption family issues, and includes the Family Peony Bush.
• Lucy’s Family Tree, by Karen Halvorsen Schreck (Harpswell Press, 2003). Read our review and/or purchase at www.adoptivefamilies.com/books.php.

Unfortunately, not one of those teachers used my examples or the resources I gave them and I would be remiss if I didn’t say how disappointed I was in them.