Once I knew that it was possible to adopt a child with HIV, my questions came in a downpour. Fortunately for me, my friend Emily is a nurse practitioner who specializes in HIV, so she became the recipient of my long phone calls. What I learned surprised me:

I feared that we might adopt an HIV+ child, love her, bond with her, only to lose her to AIDS. Then I learned that HIV+ children who receive good medical treatment, the kind of treatment we have in the United States, can live long and healthy lives.

I feared that by bringing an HIV+ child into our family, I might put my other children and myself at risk of contracting the disease. However, I learned that HIV is not spread through normal family life. It can only be spread through pregnancy and birth, breastmilk, sexual contact that mixes bodily fluids, and blood to blood contact (such as sharing needles). HIV cannot be spread through kissing, sharing cups, sharing food, changing diapers, etc. There would be no risk of transmission to my family, none, period. That isn’t to say that we wouldn’t use common sense precautions, which I will write about in a future post, but to be honest, it all seemed to be quite simple.

Some of the best information I found on pediatric HIV, and specifically transmission of HIV, is at The Elisabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation site.

I feared that we would be financially crushed under the burden of the medical needs of an HIV+ child.  Then I learned that insurance companies are most often required by law to accept an adopted child without regard to preexisting conditions, just as they cover a child who joins your family through birth. I also found that there are many resources available to assist with the medical expenses of HIV+ people. Programs vary around the country and include state assistance as well as private funds, such as foundations of Children’s Hospitals.

As our questions were answered, we journeyed from uncertainty and ignorance, to confidence and passion about adding Dimples to our family; however our challenges were far from over. The agency we were using for the adoption of our two little boys refused to place an HIV+ child, which meant initiating a completely separate adoption process for Dimples. Fortunately, one agency was paving the way for HIV+ adoptions, Adoption Advocates International. We soon found ourselves simultaneously adopting three unrelated children through two different agencies. It was a whirlwind of nine months of paperwork.

Russ and I traveled to Ethiopia in February 2007 to meet our new children. Our lives were forever changed when we walked through the gate of AHOPE, Dimples’ orphanage. Although unaware of it at the time, we met two of our daughters that day. We returned to Ethiopia in August 2008 to bring home our second HIV+ daughter, and that is a story for another day.

Lisa also writes about her life as the mother of 11 at A Bushel and a Peck

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The presence of HIV in our lives has brought many unexpected gifts including our new Labor Day tradition.  We now spend the long weekend at REACH Camp, a camp that brings together families affected by HIV. For one weekend each year, there is love and acceptance for HIV+ children, HIV+ parents, parents who are not infected, and their families.  Young people who have grown up in foster care, young people whose parents are infected with HIV, internationally adopted children, and all of their siblings come together.  It isn’t clear which child or parent in a family has HIV, and that in and of itself, is part of the story.  HIV affects them, but it does not define them.

The kids take the stage to share their talents at the annual Talent Show. This year the acts were diverse and ranged from a knock-knock joke and hip hop dancing, to a classical piano duet. Some of the young people come from very hard circumstances and are not very well accepted by their peers, but at camp, they are loved. Standing ovations and affirmation are the norm for one weekend a year.

REACH Camp is made possible by REACH Ministries, an organization staffed by folks who are passionate about loving people who were considered unloveable for so long.  They know the truth; HIV cannot be transmitted through the many hugs given, the meals we share, or hands held around the campfire.  REACH brings together a huge staff of volunteers that spends the weekend loving and serving the children and their families.

We share campfires, swimming, a country fair, horseback riding, a luau, and tonight the annual hoe down.  The fiddler plays on, while I scoop up my two year old and dance around the circle. Soon Little Man reaches for one of his new teenage friends who lifts him from my arms and onto his broad shoulders.  I watch as they dance on.  For one weekend a year we are a family that loves and accepts one another with joy.  There are tears when camp comes to a close.  We leave promising to return and thanking REACH for all that they have given us – a time to play, rest, and relax in a place where HIV is not a secret and has no shame.

Lisa also writes about her life as the mother of eleven children at A Bushel and  a Peck.

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Each family has to navigate this journey for themselves.  Some choose to be very open about their child’s HIV status because they feel it is imperative for their child to grow up without shame over a virus in their blood.  They want the opportunity to educate people and be an advocate for their child and the millions of people affected by HIV.

At the opposite end of the spectrum, other parents believe strongly that medical issues are private and that, as they wouldn’t go around publicly sharing their other children’s medical issues, so they should not share medical information about this child who happens to have HIV.  They often hold firmly to the fact that this is their child’s story and thus is hers to tell.

Most of us fall somewhere in the middle, not necessarily the easiest place to be because it requires constant decision making, despite ambivalence.  I have to admit, this is the camp where I find myself.  Our initial decision was to keep our daughter’s HIV status private, sharing it only with our closest friends and family.  This felt right to us, and like the details of her early years, we felt this was truly her story to tell.

Within a short time we learned that in a family of 12 (at that time), a “family secret” is very burdensome.  While learning the ropes of giving medications twice a day, we had three large bottles of liquid medicine on our kitchen counter.  Having been a mom who rarely gave her kids Tylenol, I needed it out where I would see it in order to get administering meds into my routine.  When guests came over we quickly put it all away, but life grew more complicated when people were here at the kids’ bedtime.  I would take Dimples into the laundry room, fill three plastic syringes, and have her swallow her meds down.  It felt bad, just plain bad, to hide it like that.  She certainly had no interest in being in the  laundry room, and when she learned to swallow her big Kaletra pill, she was so proud of her accomplishment that she ran into the family room filled with college students and said, “Watch me!” as she downed the big yellow tablet.  Would she begin to feel ashamed because she had to take medication in secrecy?  She has a virus, she takes medicine.  What else needs to be said?

We continued like this for some months, but little by little, the information was slipping out.  Our other children were feeling the strain of having to hide the truth.  I was volunteering for AHOPE at the time and many friends knew we had been sponsoring a child there.  It was a natural question to ask what orphanage Dimples was from, how had we found her, was she from AHOPE, etc?  I was okay with the surprising question “Do your kids have AIDS?” because I could honestly answer “No.”  Dimples didn’t have AIDS, she had HIV.

This is a 27 month story that I could write pages about, but the truth is that we are still sorting it out.  Eventually we chose to be open with our friends and church.  Although the law did not require it, we chose to tell the principal, her teacher, and school nurse.  We felt that they were part of Dimples’ “team” and we wanted them to understand and support her.  Given that Russ had to deliver forgotten meds a few times last year, I’m glad we disclosed to them.  We have opted to tell all medical providers, including our dentist and eye doctor.  I suppose the fact that I am even writing this article speaks to our degree of openness.

However, ambivalence about disclosure remains part of our lives.  We are passionate advocates for HIV+ orphans. I work for From HIV to Home, I write about HIV+ adoption here on Grown in My Heart, and yet, on my personal blog, I never come right out and say that my girls are HIV+.  Somehow that feels like a leap I’m not quite ready to take.  Tell me that it doesn’t make any sense and I’ll agree with you, but as much as I strongly believe that my children have nothing to be ashamed of, that they are a risk to nobody at all, and that living with HIV should be no different than living with any other chronic illness, there is a piece of my heart that wants to protect them, to shield them from unkindness or prejudice.

In the end, as in so many aspects of parenting, we make the best choices we can for the sake of our children.  We don’t do it perfectly, I’m sure of that, but we do it with great love.

Lisa writes about international adoption, helping children heal from loss and trauma, braiding hair, and her life as the mother of eleven children at A Bushel and a Peck.

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Children and adults learn about culture, history, adoption heritage, and intolerance and character. Most culture camps enrich cultural literacy include physical activities, world music and crafts. By nature they accommodate different learning styles.

But what happens when your children are just too young to attend a culture camp and are seriously interested in learning about their culture or making friends from the same region or orphanage?

Perhaps your child yearns to know children who “look like them” because they are the only child in their class with dark skin or Asian eyes. This is still common in today’s society no matter how much we try to pretend it is not.

How do you integrate culture into your children’s lives when they don’t want to have anything to do with it? Do you sneak it in with fantastic cooking? Do you read great literature with them? Or do you make them sit down and learn about their history?

We have just the solution for you. Introducing a new resource for adoptive parents: a Culture Camp for Kids; What to do when they can’t do (or they don’t want to)

This e-Book features countless activities suitable for young children from around the world. Once your focus is determined, it’s time to gather supplies. A trip to the library should yield plenty of books (and we have also supplied a fabulous list in our Literature Section).

Click on the Add to Cart to purchase the first ever GIMH eBook.

A portion of every sale will go to New Day Foster Home, a special needs foster home in China.

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Then on February 14th 2006, my dear friend Emily called to tell me that they were in the process of adopting two children from Ethiopia. Little did I know that this conversation was the beginning of the answer to my prayers. I could not get the conversation out of my mind. I began to read about Ethiopia and the incredible AIDS orphan crisis and my heart broke for the millions of orphaned children. My husband Russ went on a trip to Mexico and while flying home he read two articles I had tucked into his briefcase, What Will Become of Africa’s AIDS Orphans and Hope Lives Here, both by Melissa Fay Greene.

We read more, did some research, talked with friends, and prayed — a lot. While wrestling with the issues, we decided to sponsor an HIV+ orphan at AHOPE in Ethiopia. I contacted AHOPE, set up sponsorship, and soon we received a photo of a thin little girl, her hair shaved close to her head. Dressed in a frilly white dress, she stood smiling with two dimples readily apparent, and what appeared to be a tear on her cheek. The picture went on our refrigerator and we began to pray for this faraway child.

Within a month we decided to adopt two little boys, which seemed just right for our family. We jumped into the adoption process and began to work through piles of paperwork. Our homestudy was moving along, our dossier coming together, and then something happened to change the course of our adoption story and ultimately the story of our lives.

Our friends went to Ethiopia to get their two little boys and while there, they visited the child we sponsored at AHOPE. At that time we were allowed to send gifts, so they took a little doll along with some gifts for the other children. Emily wrote,

… it was hard to stay composed while giving her this doll. She looked like I had just handed her a check for a million dollars. I am not exaggerating. That was what giving this girl a doll was like.

Later she told me, “Lisa, when you go to Ethiopia, you shouldn’t go to AHOPE…you will never be able to leave that little girl.”

She hesitated and then told me that the AHOPE nurse had said that she hoped we would adopt our sponsored child. Emily gently explained that we were already adopting two little boys and we weren’t planning to adopt “Dimples”. I wondered if it was even possible to adopt a child with HIV? Even if it was, what would the future hold? Was it safe for my other children, would she live very long, could I even remember to give medication on a regular schedule for the rest of a child’s life, or at least until she was grown? Could we possibly afford her medical care?

Three years ago I did not know the answers to these questions. As I searched for information and assurances, one thing began to become clear to me. The answer to the question I had been pondering about the “something more” I felt I should give, seemed to have something to do with Dimples.

More to come.

Lisa also writes about her life as the mother of eleven children at A Bushel and a Peck.

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According to a BBC report, a group of ‘charity workers’ located in Chad were arrested on the tarmark of the airport with an airplane full of about 103 children. The group denies they planned to sell the children for adoption, instead claiming they were sending them to ‘host families’ at a nice price of 2,400 euros (US$3,450) each. The group also claimed the children were from Darfur, Sudan and they were rescuing them from their ‘war torn lives’. It turns out many of the children were from Chad and not without families.

Apparently Guatemala is not the only place that children are seen as commodities.

Since the Vietnam War and Operation Babylift children have been ripped from their mothers arms so that the media can use adoption as the do-gooders mission and even that is wrong in all aspects of life. But since adoption has become the “mod” thing to do (note: Angelina, Madonna) it is also becoming the thing we do for orphans. Instead of “feeding the starving kids in Ethiopia” like we did in the 80’s we are now adopting them into our own homes and “saving” them because its “cool” (of course I am being flippant but some part of me and even the media sees it this way, as more and more celebrities are jumping on that bandwagon).

But, are internationally adopted children all orphans?

According to the New York Times, many children in the international systems often have living family members, as do both of mine. The issue with having living family members and being eligible for adoption is that birth parents can be unable or unwilling to take care of the children, thus making the children look like orphans in the system. And, obviously, children like these have living parents and should never have been taken from them.

But is it right to take children from their natural country, even as adoptive parents?

I believe that adopting children for the sake of “saving” them is wrong. What parent would really truly love their child if the only reason for adopting them was to “save” them from the “hardships” of growing up in countries like Chad or Ethiopia? Does it actually mean that this child will be better off living in suburbia drinking Diet Coke and eating Cheetos?

But when it comes down to a child’s best interests is it about the country in which they live or is about having parents that love them and a family that comforts them?  Now, I know all too well that love does not make an adoption work because my son’s problems were real. We have struggled from the day we met him to build a family but I would bet my life that he would chose family over an institution life any day.

Was taking him from Russia in his best interest? Personally, I think yes. Do we try to take the Russia out of him? Never.

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