It’s not about what you did or did not do. It is not about what I did or did not do. It is not about who is right or who is wrong. It’s not about what you knew or didn’t know. It’s not about whether you fit that generalization or not. It’s not even about what offends and hurts you. It’s about being able to speak clearly and make others understand, talk about the truth, the hard stuff, process that, and then improve it. It’s about growing and changing. It is about understanding. It is about seeing my mistakes and yours and learning how to not make them again. It is about the collective body of knowledge that we all must “get”. Adoption is too vast, too wide of an ocean with too many nuances. We only have one life and we cannot all live though every aspect of it for a total picture. We have to learn from each other.

The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute just released the executive summary of its recent research study entitled Beyond Culture Camp: Promoting Healthy Identity Formation in Adoption. I’m so excited to see this published study because, although the results aren’t really all that new if you already listen to the voices of adult adoptees, this study will reach a much wider audience of adoptive parents. And since they are the ones raising this next generation of adoptees, they are the ones most needing to hear the results.

It was a long process of listen to the other points of view from adoptees and other mothers, and then, later on, learning to see adoptive parents as people too. I would carefully think about what upset me most, let the ideas run over my brain, shake up what I had thought to be true. I would try on all these different feelings about adoption and it was almost a process of trying on new clothing. I had no idea what would fit,. What would feel comfortable, but I tried on each new feeling. And I explored what it would mean to my life.