I met my former Intended Father ( FIF) on the Internet. Upset at the agency policies for matching with one failed first attempted agency match that lead to me leaving the agency, I started a support group on Facebook for former and future gestational surrogates, as well as intended parents ( IP’s). One day this gentleman joined the group, and that was it. Just a few paragraphs and comments into his membership, I was intrigued by this man. Shortly after, I learned that he was the same man I had been noticing on another support forum.

The cyberstalking began.

Hundreds of e-mails later along with a hand full of phone calls, I had him convinced. We spoke with the agency he was working with ( the one I had just left) and asked to be matched. Our journey officially began. Months later we met in person in LA where we immediately traveled to the local theme park and rode roller-coasters all day. Nothing solidifies a good match like screaming your heart out together and trying not to barf on each other for hours at a time. The “click” between us was immediate and deep, and has remained so, even now. He and his daughters have become a part of our family, and the match couldn’t have been more perfect.

I hear many stories from Surrogates that just break my heart. Agency arranged matches that fall apart, and the surrogate never hears from her former intended parents again after the birth. No deep connection was made, no respect was offered. How horrifying, for both the surrogate and for the child that was born through surrogacy.

While I don’t expect to be best friends with my FIF, I do know that the respect is there on both sides of the equation. Those little girls I nurtured and grew until they were ready to meet their father will always know who I am. Through pictures and cards, we will always be in contact. I am sad for all the stories I hear of hush-hush surrogacy arrangements, as if there is something to be ashamed of. What a disservice done to the children. I thrill in how open and honest my FIF and I were able to be with each other and with the people around us. There is no shame, only joy, in the creation of the new family.

I have taken the first steps to starting another surrogacy journey, and I have high hopes for this one as well. My new Intended Mother and Father are incredible people, and I am thrilled to add them to our family. I found my intended mother through a blog post that broke my heart, and after inviting her to a support forum I found online and getting to know the real her over the last nearly two years, it was a no brainer that I offer to be her surrogate.

Taking the agency out of the equation has been the best thing I could have done. Finding my own match the first time and striking out completely on my own this second time, I am able to find people who really exactly match what I am looking for, and they are able to do the same. We get involved with each other, we make a connection on an emotional level that just isn’t possible with an agency-run arrangement.

Agencies, in my experience, like to keep the two halves of the arrangement separate. The guise is that this will make things easier, then no one has to be uncomfortable asking for things or discussing money with their surro or IP. I fail to see how this can at all help in creating the deep and profound relationship and level of trust that is necessary in a surrogacy arrangement. Yes, I get squeamish discussing compensation with my intended mother. It’s awkward. But it is not only necessary ( oh my goodness, the details we’ve had to discuss in our contracts!) but it is healthy. No middle man means we really have to get to know each other, without padding or pretense. It has solidified our relationship like nothing else could, and I am just so happy things have worked out like they have.

Do I think agencies are bad? No, I think they do have a wonderful purpose, but to rely on them in all things is dangerous, in this surrogates opinion. No one looks out for YOUR best interest like YOU do. An agency can be wonderful in teaching you the hows and why’s, but don’t stop there. Let them guide you, but ultimately take charge of your journey.

Get to know your surrogate, her likes and dislikes. Is this someone you would be proud to bring to the baby shower? ( No, not saying you have to, although why wouldn’t you?? She’s carrying the baby, it should be at the shower!) Is this someone you can be proud to introduce to your friends and family? Do her values and goals mesh with your own? Don’t look at an agency screened introduction and take your relationship no deeper,  get to know this woman.  Decide if this surrogate is someone you can connect with on a deep level, because like it or not she will be a part of your childs story forever.

Sabrina also writes about her surrogacy experiences at Bump Fairy; Like the Tooth Fairy Only Fatter