My grab bag of RAD techniques

Parenting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is a struggle.  There are those saintly folks out there who can do it with grace and dignity and I am not one of them.  However, through many readings, daily research, an ear to listen to those who’ve gone before me and wonderful attachment therapists – I’ve concocted an assortment of parenting ‘tricks’ that help in this journey.  Please know that I’m not an expert…and these are cobbled together from many different sources to work for me and my family.  It takes a lot of trial and error to learn what works for you.  Also know that I’m a fan of Nancy Thomas’ approach to RAD and there are other camps (such as Post/Forbes) that would differ dramatically from my approach.

• Bummer:  This word is a gold mine for me.  With RAD you must stay uninvolved in control battles and drama created by your child.  Control can come from anywhere and when you least expect it.  I have found that responding with one word, “Bummer”, is the key to ending it quickly and painlessly.
• My daughter got into the baby oil after numerous warnings that it stains.  She came to me and told me her comforter was stained and she was sure the dogs had done it and she had tried SO HARD to clean up their mess.  I responded with “bummer”.  The truth is I could have gotten into a fight about her lie or about her doing the opposite of what she was told or even about her replacing the ruined comforter – but in the end, it really is a bummer for her.  She’ll live with a stained comforter and come to know that I know what happened.
• Inconvenience time:  When a child chooses to continue an argument that is over, or chooses to throw a tantrum while others are moving on with their day – it slows progress for me and the household.  I’ve learned to have them ‘pay me back’ for the time they take with negative pursuits.  How’s that working for ya?/And then what?:  Helping a RAD child work through a real life issue is hard.  Their thinking does not connect in a normal pattern.  Therefore, it’s great to catch an emotional outburst before it gets ugly and ask these two questions.  Don’t ask that question:  This one is SO HARD for me.  I want to converse with my children and that should include questions…but most RAD kids view questions as a doorway to lie and manipulate.  Instead state what you know and go from there.  This is ESPECIALLY important when they’ve broken a rule.
• My son wanted my help with math.  I sat down to help him (happily) and started explaining the problem to him.  He spent the next 20 minutes crying and telling me that I didn’t know what I was talking about and yelling for me to simply give him the answers.  I sat calmly and listened to his anger.  Offered him kind words and pats and waited (while watching the time).  When he was done I stood up and stated that he had just wasted 20 minutes of my evening and therefore he owed me 20 minutes when I needed a break.  That break came a few days later when I had planned to deep clean the main floor bathroom and he got to do it for me – for 20 minutes!
• My son was given a ‘parent letter’ at school which included the answers for his math homework.  When he got off the bus, his homework was done flawlessly – which is not a normal occurrence.  Before he could lie to me I asked “How’s the cheating working for ya?”.  He stared blankly.  I continued with “Now that you know that you are caught, what comes next, what are the options here?”  He will answer with nonsense many times, which I simply don’t accept.  Until he can tell me that the options are to admit he cheated and find a way to fix that problem or to lie about it – we don’t move on.  Then we work to the end of the natural chain of events, question by question.  Also, accepting the answer “it’s not working for me” – ruins the point of this exercise.  They must answer honestly.
• My daughter did poorly in tumbling –obviously not putting much effort into it.  Instead of saying “what happened in tumbling tonight?” , I’ll state “I could see that you weren’t concentrating too well in tumbling, it must feel silly to waste your time like that.  Let’s make a plan for things you can try next class to achieve more and maybe set some new goals.”
• I find the guitar broken in the basement and I know that my son was the only one down there.  Do not say “Who broke the guitar?” – you already know who broke the guitar.  I would pull my son aside privately and say “I know that you broke the guitar and didn’t tell me about it.  I’m sure you are worried about what kind of trouble you’ll be in.  I’m sorry that you don’t trust Dad and me enough to be honest with us.  You will have to replace the guitar parts you broke with your allowance and apologize to your siblings for breaking something that belongs to all of you.  Also, let’s talk through the worst thing that could have happened if you told the truth first.”  (see And then what? above)

Oh, and there’s more…I’m happy to share some more little tidbits with you tomorrow in part 2.  Check back then – and please, share your own RAD parenting ideas – we can all learn from each other!