RAD lessons

I have read a lot of articles, journals, books and anything else I can get my hands on – all about RAD.  I try to soak up the information and promise myself to use it everyday in dealing with my kids.

But, I’m human.

The information seeps back out my brain and I resort to what I think is pretty normal parenting.  However, it doesn’t work with DS2 and DD.  That’s the bottom line.  I have to be better at not ‘forgetting’ what I’m supposed to do.

I was recently on an organizational tear around my house and cleaned out my file cabinet.  I came across one of my favorite all time articles on RAD.  I got it from a friend who works in the department of child welfare.  More than half of her caseload is generally kids with RAD.  They are hard to place from our foster care system, once it’s been identified.  Blessedly so, many parents know what they can deal with – and RAD is often on the list of what they can’t deal with.  Funny, it was on our list of No’s as well…but many times you just don’t know until the child has lived in a safe, caring home…which they totally reject.  That is when the diagnosis usually comes in – and often, it’s too late.

This article doesn’t have a cover page…I don’t know who wrote it and sometimes I feel like it’s written just for me.  I wish I could share the real information about it – for others who may need it…but I will share some of the things that really touched me this week.

• “When the child misbehaves, parents can use the three most important words in the English language Something will happen” and then wait until you aren’t angry anymore to decide what will happen.” - That is hard for most of us. Anger really opens your vocal cords…you say things then that you wish you didn’t say.  Following this rule would be good for everyone, everytime.
• “Adult anger is like sugar to children with AD and these children seem to truly enjoy tasting it.” - So true in my house, if I get upset or cry in front of them – the joy in their faces makes it all worse.
• “You ARE NOT your child’s therapist and probably will be a much happier parent if you don’t try to be that.” – I want to lecture them and force them to see my side…to see the side that most other people see.  I want to ‘talk’ them well.  Ha.
• “Being successful as a parent of an AD child has absolutely nothing to do with how the child turns out, how the child is doing in school, whether the child has friends, etc.” – Ouch.  That one really stinks.  The world in general judges a parent on how the child acts and reacts.  I do – a lot.  Letting go of wanting ‘dreams’ for my kids is nearly impossible for me…but something I must do to retain sanity.

These are but a very few of the things I re-read.  At the same time, I perused every email I’ve ever sent to anyone asking for help with my children.  I listed the issues happening in our home – I honestly described raising a child with no capacity to bond to me.  As I read these oratories, going back to 2006 – I realized that we are no further along than we were then.  I could write the same email today.  So, I have to let it go.  I may not be able to be super mom to them – I may not even be able to heal them.

I can love them and hug them and continue to let them know I’m here.  I can hold them accountable for being upright citizens while they are in my home and then I have to let it go when they leave.  In the end, I have but a short time left with them (many, many RAD kids leave at 18 to never return – except to ask for bail money or other such fun items)…in these next 7 to 8 years – I hope to simply leave an impression in their minds of being loved…the feeling of it.  Warmth in their hearts is a prayer I have for them.  I can leave a small part of me in them – I hope they don’t throw that away.