playing the Adoption Card
China, Feature — By TongguMomma on January 13, 2010 at 8:00 am
I never thought I’d ever say this, but last month I caught my daughter playing the adoption card. What a phrase, right? Guaranteed to raise hackles left and right. Except that is EXACTLY what my five-year-old did.
I am a momma who strives to keep open the lines of communication with my daughter, especially those conversations that center around her adoption. Listening to adult adoptees (both on-line and those I know in real life) pushed me to go a step further this year, asking questions of my daughter and allowing us both to just sit with her emotions. We’ve had many conversations about her first family, her foster family and orphanage, our adoption story and yes, we’ve even tackled the topic of racism. I’ve made mistakes, as a momma and as a person, but I figure that trying my best, focusing on my daughter rather than myself and remaining humble during this process will see all of us through as best we can.
the Tongginator’s orphanage; photo taken in 2005
Last month, the Tongginator played the adoption card. And by that I mean that she tried to manipulate me to get her way, using the topic of adoption. It wasn’t a comment meant to wound… those don’t bother me, since I do not consider how she feels about her adoption a personal attack. And I know, too, that the old “you’re not my real momma!” actually means “I’m angry with you!” or, occasionally, “sometimes I hate being adopted!” I don’t take that statement any differently than I take the infamous “I want to go live with Grammy!” unless she’s truly struggling with adoption and all that goes with it. And I don’t even take it personally then because, frankly, sometimes it truly does stink being an adoptee.
But my daughter is smart. REALLY smart. She also knows me well.
And what she’s learned these past five years as my daughter is that I pretty much drop everything to talk with her when she brings up the topic of adoption. When she says “I miss my Abu (her name for her foster mother),” I stop what I am doing, get down at her eye level, offer a hug and wait. I make no apologies for this… it’s what she needs.
Except when she doesn’t.
And last month she didn’t. I didn’t realize it that first day. We were in the midst of our hectic morning, getting out the door for school, routine. And she didn’t like that I wasn’t sitting next to her while she ate breakfast. Never mind that the child takes 45 minutes to eat a meal. And that I’d already sat with her for the first ten to fifteen minutes while she ate. And that we were already running five minutes late. But she stopped everything with “I miss my Abu.” I sat with her during her meal. I made the time. And we still managed to slip into the school before the first bell rang (never mind that we missed the bus and I had to drive her).
That day, I felt confident that I handled the conversation as well as I could. I felt like I listened more than I spoke. That I helped draw us closer together rather than building walls. That I was, in essence, giving my girl what she needed. And I still feel like I did the right thing that first day… but then it happened again the next day, about twenty minutes into the breakfast routine. And I stopped some things, but not everything.
And we sure as certain didn’t miss the bus that day.
When it happened again the following morning, at exactly the same time of day, I knew my little gal was playing me by playing the adoption card. She had learned that I would stop everything to talk with her… that she could demand attention on command by bringing up adoption-related conversation. And that’s not okay. So I stopped her in her tracks. I told her, “Tongginator, Momma knows that you don’t really want to talk about your Abu this morning, that what you really want is for Momma to pay attention to you while you eat your breakfast. I’ve already sat with you for 10 minutes and now I need to do the dishes and fix your lunch. Talking about your Abu is very important, but we can’t do that right now. We can talk about all of this in the afternoon, once you finish your homework, before I need to start cooking dinner.”
And a line was drawn. A wall was built. But I think it was a good one… because using a difficult circumstance to manipulate others is not a healthy way to treat those you love. And the Tongginator needs to learn that just as much as she needs support while she processes her life story.
Tonggu Momma regularly stumbles through parenthood and occasionally draws lines at her personal blog, Our Little Tongginator.
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11 Comments
Go you! I’m serious. It is wise to recognize and deal appropriately with manipulation in our children, and it will help your daughter in the long run.
My son used to always want to have heart-to-heart talks about problems at school (I know! Right! I was all ears) on weekday nights at 8:30… Took me a few weeks to get wise to the fact that he just didn’t want to go to bed. He never wanted to discuss these things any other time.
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I say “go you!” too! It’s so important to be intuitive with your children. And you’re a good intuitive mommy.
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I really, really, really appreciate this post. You said a lot of wise things that resonate with me and I am so grateful to you for sharing your experience. I especially liked when you said, “I do not consider how she feels about her adoption a personal attack. And I know, too, that the old “you’re not my real momma!” actually means “I’m angry with you!” or, occasionally, “sometimes I hate being adopted!” I don’t take that statement any differently than I take the infamous “I want to go live with Grammy!” unless she’s truly struggling with adoption and all that goes with it. And I don’t even take it personally then because, frankly, sometimes it truly does stink being an adoptee.” That is such grown-up parenting and I love it!!
I also love the limits you helped your daughter to understand in this situation b/c those are emotional honesty skills she will need for life. We all need those skills!
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You know, I see the same thing. Ernie just really enjoys “trying on” emotions. She’s very sad, she really misses, she’s really disappointed…just trying on different hats. She believes what she’s saying, but a lot of it is the excitement of saying “I’m mad” or “I’m sad” and seeing what our response is. Good job, Mama.
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I think you handled that perfectly. I completely agree with everything you said. Being open to talking about adoption is wonderful. Establishing limits so that your child learns manipulating you is not the way to do it is wonderful, too. It’s the knowing how to read the difference that is key. Sometimes we succeed; sometimes we don’t, but you can’t do more than your best.
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QQ has done the exact same thing to me: “I miss my birthparents” a couple of times at bedtime, after lights out, in an attempt to get me to stay with her longer. It only worked one night – then I wised up, and told her (with compassion in my voice) that I was sure she did – I missed them too – and that I’d be happy to talk to her about her feelings more in the morning, but right now it was LL’s turn for me to tuck her in (QQ always gets tucked in and sung to first), and she was waiting patiently in her bedroom, and moreover it was almost 9pm – time for them both to GO TO SLEEP!! Kids!!! :)
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Oh, I just would have loved to have seen the Tongginator’s face when she realized you were one step ahead of her! Priceless, and lovely post.
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Great post–it’s a good thing such a smart girl has a smart mama.
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I echo what everyone else has said. Your daughter has an attentive, caring mom who listens to her daughter’s words and empathizes with her, but who can also get wise to her game and teach her other things she needs to know that aren’t about adoption.
My daughter is only four-and-a-half, so she hasn’t played this particular card yet. But she is smart and a serious drama queen, so we know it’s coming. This was actually something my husband and I talked about during the adoption process: “One day, this child will be twelve or thirteen or fourteen years old and get mad at us over something, slam the door to her room and yell, ‘You’re not my real parents.’ And she’ll do it just because she’ll be a teenager and because she can.”
Adopted kids are still kids. Kudos to you for figuring out what was really going on.
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AJ does this when he thinks he is getting in trouble… brings up his Russia mama. I stop him in his tracks and divert the conversation back and he still tries to manipulate me back. smart kids we have, huh?>
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