Personally, I don’t mind if people ask questions. I DO mind when people are so completely shocked when they find out I’m adopted. It’s like “YOU’RE ADOPTED?!?!” and I just respond with, “Thats what I said, wasn’t it?”

Nick- I think it would be fine to ask questions, just be careful with what you say, how you say it and don’t go overboard with questions. If the questions is REALLY personal, like something you wouldn’t want to be asked, then don’t ask it. If the adoptee wants to tell you about it, they will open up. Just don’t go overboard… :)

Anyway, I think that you were spot on. Its so incredibly nice to know that I’m not the only one. Take care! :)

I laughed SO HARD while reading this! (Not because of what you said but how you conveyed it – hilarious!!)

“They are filled with love and the latest adoptive parenting advice and technology. There just isn’t any way that their child will turn out like you.” OH YA. Been there, done that with quite a few prospective parents. *shakes her head*

“They see you as simply fixing the your adoptive parents need for a child and gaining a whole lot of privilege in the process. They cannot imagine that you’re not grateful for being part of this process.” Precisely.

Acquaintance to my Friend: So how come she knows English so well yet has a Chinese background? Friend: She’s adopted.
Me: … (thinking: Thanks for telling people on my behalf.)
Acquaintance: OH REALLY? THAT’S SO COOL. She’s a really lucky person.
Friend: Yeah I know. It’s cool, isn’t it?
Me: *sigh*

“We all know that the experiences of our second cousins twice removed on our father’s side qualify us as experts on any subject, no matter how complicated. These distant relatives also represent the experiences of all members of the human race in any situation.”

Apparently. (“I know a friend of a friend who was adopted and HE’S perfectly happy with HIS adoption!”)

“It has probably never occurred to them that their future adoptee will ever obtain adulthood in any other capacity than a fantasy about what they are going to wear to the Harvard graduation or presidential inauguration.”

To be fair, some adoptive parents DO try really hard to prepare themselves… particularly the adoptive parents that come around to Harlow’s Monkey, Heart Mind and Seoul, Land of the Not So Calm, etc… some of them have read and read and keep track of the IA blogs out there and know that adoption isn’t just a bunch of sparkly sunshine and daisies. Some of them here and there are fully aware that their children may not alwasy feel uber!happy about their adoption 24/7.

“Perspective adoptive parents won’t see that in their pronouncements of yet to be proven superior parenting they have insulted both you and your adoptive parents. The fact that you could have issues with adoption itself, but love and defend your adoptive parents will not make sense to them.”

Oh, Addie, I feel your pain on this one. I *just* had this conversation at Adoptionvoices about 2-3 weeks ago, where I utterly baffled another adoptee by saying that I loved my adoptive parents yet wished I hadn’t needed to be adopted and that it wasn’t a reflection upon how I had been raised. The other adoptee was like “WTF that doesn’t make sense!”

“They will point out with barely disguised glee that their children would have died had they not adopted them.”

We-ell… the manner in which they point this out is hardly appropriate, because it’s that Saviour Mentality that so many adoptees despise. But in some cases it might have been true, or at least emotionally true for the adoptee. Growing up in an orphanage might truly have been the only other alternative if there was no extended family able/willing to take care of said “orphan.”

But other than that, I will agree that it gets irritating. Fast.

“The odd thing is it doesn’t matter if you tell them that’s she’s now the Secretary of State or that you found her in a pool of her own vomit in a crackhouse, they are going to want to know if you are more like her or your adoptive parents.”

… I – I have no words. This is making me laugh too hard.

“People not involved in adoption have no idea how complicated reunion is. It is nearly impossible to explain this without making it sound like a bad thing you never should have got involved in in the first place.”

Yeah. I remember telling my friends just recently that I decided to come back to Canada instead of tentatively staying in Taiwan. They were like “Oh good! You’re coming back, that’s awesome!”

I don’t begrudge them their happiness. I know they miss me and want me to come back, but it often feels as though reunion has to merely be a one-time thing – as though once it’s been done, there’s no need to think about it any longer or reflect upon going back.

“But don’t worry conversation will be steered back around to your adoptive parents and just how all this effects them almost immediately. They will want to know how your adoptive parents feel
about it. Even in issues of reunion your adoptive parents will be seen as carrying more importance than you or your natural family.”

Yep.

“f you are beginning to think that you just can’t win, most of the time you are right.”

Unfortunately… yes.

I know adoption does come up: I just found out my doctor had adopted children when I told her that I was going on vacation she she told me that she had traveled to the same location 10 years ago. I asked her for any suggestions on places to visit and she told me that they had not done much sightseeing because they were their adopting. A friend told me he was adopted about 10 minutes after I met him for the first time, because I commented on his red hair. And yes my res ponce to both of them was “My second cousins on my Father’s side are adopted” so is there something better I can say?!?

Just a few comments on the sentiments expressed:
-I don’t think people go around digging to find out who is and is not adopted but sometime it does come up, just as other aspects of childhood experience come up and yes frequently in the course of small talk.
-Do people have the right to ask anything about your experiences as an adopted individual? No, but in fact most of the people we share our lives with have no need to know anything about our personal lives period. We all ask questions because a. people like connecting with others on a personal level and b. people are just intrinsically nosy.

Dawn- you said “I certainly don’t think biological parents expect their children to be grateful that they were brought into this world.” But I would beg to differ. My mother frequently insists that we should be grateful to her for even being born let alone everything our parents have done for us since then, and no she is not kidding.

And no worries on the comment. please do. BTW…love your site.

I want to thank you for the reminder that our cute little ones grow up and that it is important and necessary for us to be able to listen to them and help them through the feelings that might come from being adopted. I will be saving this post of your for when my children are older so that they can have some insight into how to tell people off without telling them off.

While I am very grateful that adoption is an option, I am very sad for the loss and grief that accompanies it. I only hope that we can give our children the tools to deal openly and honestly with the grief and loss that they will experience and explore as they grow older. Sorr for such a long comment :)