Ok, It Is Hard To Talk About It

In my last post I said we need to talk about adoption, about adoption reform, about our experiences.  That got me thinking about how hard it really is.  And as always, the below does not apply to everyone, just everyone I seem to meet.

Think about the last time you met another adoptee. Did they tell you that they were adopted, or did someone else bring it up?

There’s a reason that adoptees just don’t want to talk about it. At some time in our childhood most of us figured out that we were supposed to be all things adopted, little non-compensated ambassadors of the institution of adoption to the world at large. We must confirm all the things that everyone has always believed about adoption. There’s a very strict protocol and daring to break it has its consequences.

When your adoption has come up in conversation how many times have you heard, “That’s great!”? As if you woke up this morning had a cup of coffee, took a shower, remembered you were adopted and immediately pooped a rainbow. The “That’s great” crowd has never given adoption enough thought to realize that we’ve been adopted a long time and it really isn’t affecting our morning routine. The fact that an adult adoptee can go through an entire day without once stopping to thank the Gods and/or the powers that be for being adopted may surprise them.

What are you supposed to say when you hear “That’s great!”? Sure there were some things that were great about your adoption, that pony for example. This does give you an out, the opportunity to simply agree and hopefully change the subject. That’s exactly what you are expected to do. The protocol calls for enthusiastic agreement followed by a short and amusing story from your childhood illustrating the wonders of adoption.

The protocol calls for this because they already know all about adoption, you are simply there to reinforce that. Their second cousin twice removed was adopted and one of their college roommates had to adopt, they’ve been inside the experience. This is your chance to prove that you are both special and typical. If you’re comfortable with being a archetypal example, by all means confirm the greatness of your adoption.

The folks that think adoption is great have an oversimplified view of a complicated situation and are only seeing it from the perspective that you were given a different life than you were born to. They have never thought that you may feel empathy for the loss that your natural parents experienced, or had any difficulties feeling that you fit well with your adoptive family. They see you as simply fixing the your adoptive parents need for a child and gaining a whole lot of privilege in the process. They cannot imagine that you’re not grateful for being part of this process. They don’t understand that loss was involved for everyone.

Most people simply think of adoption much like their fantasies of discovering that they had a rich uncle that had just left them a fortune and somehow took away all their family problems. They do not understand it really more like the nightmare about being abducted by aliens and never returned.

Adoption is the only situation that involves loss that congratulations are expected. We don’t applaud casual acquaintances on their divorce. They may have ended up with the stable and the swimming pool, but protocol insists that we must acknowledge the loss of the marriage. We cannot imagine telling someone who has experienced the death of a family member that they are lucky, to do so would be considered unfeeling and hurtful. We understand that they have forever lost a connection with someone important to them. Similar losses through adoption just aren’t recognized. It is as if all pain and complications ended for us as the ink on our adoption papers dried.

“That’s great/wonderful/a gift/miracle!” All the shortsighted assumptions that have been made about your adoption all of your life. What the heck are you supposed to do about that?

Your first reaction may be to slap them silly. It’s best to stifle that impulse. The “adoptee defense” hasn’t proved to be terribly effective in the courts.

This could be seen as an opportunity to educate, but if this happens during small-talk time before a business meeting, during a wedding reception, or during a dentist appointment, you might want to reconsider. Even if you think you might have time and a proper venue, ask yourself if it’s really worth taking on a lifetime’s worth of misconceptions right now. Keep in mind that conventional wisdom is rarely overcome during happy hour.

This isn’t to suggest that you agree that adoption is super great. Just keep in mind that you are under no obligation to your adoptive parents, or the National Adoption Myth Defense League. Sometimes a measured and non-committal response is best.

“Yes there are good things about adoption.”
Or
“It’s a complicated thing.” May work well to answer their exclamation and move conversation in another direction.

If your not concerned with maintaining a friendship, continuing your employment, or the success of your root canal, you could come back with something like, “Yes, being raised by people so unlike me has allowed me to really appreciate what’s special about each and every
one of us.”

That one will throw them off a bit. Especially if you can make the “special” sound slightly condescending, echoing their speech patterns usually does the trick. Reactions will differ with the intelligence and listening skills of the person you are speaking to. If you get a response of “Isn’t that wonderful.” You can be pretty sure that you’re not dealing with a Nobel Prize winner.

Something like, “You’re not like your adoptive parents?”, points to a bit more intelligence, they did actually hear you, but I wouldn’t count on them curing cancer any time in the near future. Just answer, “No not really.” And change the subject.

The ones that really understand what you just said are the most fun. Not only have you told them that you aren’t exactly like your adoptive parents, you’ve let them know that you actually noticed. Among folks who think adoption is great neither of these things are supposed to
happen. Imagine the horizons that you have opened up for them. Don’t be surprised if you don’t get invited to their next bar-b-que.

If you are truly convinced that you’re dealing with someone that you have absolutely nothing to lose with, when they tell you that adoption is great/wonderful/a gift/miracle, just say, “Not really.”.

Don’t get too concerned about having to back this up. Chances are you will simply receive a blank stare. At most you may be treated to this gem, ‘”My second cousin twice removed on my father’s side is adopted and she thinks it’s great.” This is when you know you are dealing with an expert. We all know that the experiences of our second cousins twice removed on our father’s side qualify us as experts on any subject, no matter how complicated. These distant relatives also represent the experiences of all members of the human race in any situation.

All you can do in this situation is reply, “I’m glad to hear that your second cousin twice removed on your father’s side had a positive experience with adoption.” Knowing that the ridiculousness of the statement will be lost on them. And change the subject. Just remember that this person was really reaching to find a positive adoption experience. Can you even name one of your second cousins twice removed on your father’s side? Didn’t think so.

You rarely hear unqualified pronouncements on the greatness of adoption from those who have an immediate family member who is an adoptee. They may tell you that sibling or parent was adopted, but it isn’t usually followed by a testimonial about the wonders of adoption. No matter what their experience, they see adoption as the complicated experience that it is, and have no desire to get into it during small talk. A few will respond with something like, “My younger sister is adopted, we love her and treat her just like everybody else, there is no difference at all.”

A good response here is “It’s nice you brought that up.” It does stand to wonder why they feel that they need to bring up that their little adopted sister is treated just like everyone else. They could have simply said that their little sister was adopted. The motivation for the defending her treatment may be out of guilt, or it just might make them feel good to mention how kind they are. You are under no obligation to thank them for their kindness on behalf of all adoptees
worldwide.

With the growing awareness of adoption you are going to run into more people who are either considering adoption or already perspective adoptive parents. It’s best to keep in mind that most of these people have only been exposed to one side of adoption, the literature and testimonials designed to get them interested in adoption. This group will also consider themselves experts in the field. The width and breadth of their knowledge will consist of the knowing that adoption is a beautiful thing to be celebrated, and that it usually costs a lot. They are a bit intoxicated with the intensity of the experience at this point. Like the drunk at any party, they will expect you to celebrate with them. Pointing out to them that extensive reading does not make up for a lifetime experience will mean nothing to them. Getting into a discussion with these folks is akin to someone who has read a ground-training manual telling Chuck Yeager how to fly a jet. You’ll both be frustrated and the plane will not get off the ground.

Expressing the slightest bit of negativity, or even ambivalence concerning your adoption in the presence of perspective adoptive parents will not bring out the best in their nature. They are filled with a sense of awe at the adoption process and their role in it. Remember the adoption agency did not interview you for the pamphlets they are handing out to these folks. It is very rarely that these informational guides feature an adoptee over the age of five. It has probably never occurred to them that their future adoptee will ever obtain adulthood in any other capacity than a fantasy about what they are going to wear to the Harvard graduation or presidential inauguration. You can be certain that they have spent more time thinking about the words of gratitude that will be expressed in their adoptees address at these events than any effort it’s going to take to get them there.

Perspective adoptive parents are dealing with all of the potential and not one ounce of the reality. In their minds there is no way that they will raise a child who would grow up to have even the slightest reservations about their adoption. They are filled with love and the latest adoptive parenting advice and technology. There just isn’t any way that their child will turn out like you. Pointing out that your own adoptive parents were similarly equipped will make no difference.

Things are different now. Times have changed. They’ve been through the paperwork and home study, done the reading, and have an excellent credit rating. They will be the best adoptive parents ever and certainly do not need your advice.

Perspective adoptive parents won’t see that in their pronouncements of yet to be proven superior parenting they have insulted both you and your adoptive parents. The fact that you could have issues with adoption itself, but love and defend your adoptive parents will not make sense to them. You will confuse and frustrate them. Remember that perspective adoptive parents are delicate things, held together with fantasy and anticipation, don’t be too hard on them. A lifetime of reality is headed their way.

Then there are the adoptive parents. As with the perspective adoptive parents they may want you to celebrate with them. In that you may use your discretion, you might want to note if they are bigger than you or not. It’s usually best just to look at the pictures, remark on the cuteness of the children, and wish them well. They will have a few years of experience to draw upon and their experiences will without a doubt be much more valid than yours. It’s best to keep relationships with adoptive parents of young children friendly but casual.

Once in a while you’ll run into a different kind of adoptive parent, those saints on earth known as International Adoptive Parents. They are to be approached very carefully without making any sudden moves. They are used to being treated with reverence and will expect that
doubly from you. They have after all delivered an orphan from certain death. By their standards you would think that you would also be considered an orphan. Nope sorry, you were merely abandoned, the most you could have possibly been saved from was being raised by a single mother and possibly knowing the denominations of food stamps at a young age. That’s way different than what their child faced. Your adoptive parents got a baby, they got an orphan, and orphans require much more charity.

They will point out with barely disguised glee that their children would have died had they not adopted them. Pointing out that there was a chance that their might have grown to adulthood in the orphanage, worked their way up through a corrupt system to rule their country with an iron fist, probably isn’t the best thing to do. Even though this scenario is just about as likely as these children being completely free of issues concerning their adoption, it won’t be appreciated.

The international adoptive parent is basically saying that their children would be dead if they hadn’t adopted them. One could politely agree that adoption is better than death. It’s best not to
bring up what this says about their parenting skills.

Just smile and try to move on before they start to tell you about the cultural enrichment programs that they attend with their child. The lack of true cultural sensitivity required by saints these days will amaze and horrify you. Just keep in mind that children are resilient
and little Gracie from Guatemala will survive celebrating Cinco De Mayo.

The most frightening of the Adoption is great crowd might be the adoptive parent who wants to befriend you. They will seem friendly, supportive, and interested. They will appear to be knowledgeable and ask lots of questions. They want to know what went wrong with you.
They don’t want to make the same mistakes that your adoptive parents did.

These interested adoptive parents will listen to what you say, but then you have to listen to them. If you are in the mood to hear about their superior parenting style and all the trouble they have taken to make sure their children don’t turn out like you, pursue the conversation. It will take a few minutes for just how condescending they are to kick in. If you’re lucky you may end up as an Adoptive Parenting Don’t in their next column for Know It All Adoptive
Parenting Newsletter. All adoptive parents of this ilk have a blog, newsletter or a recurring feature in their agency’s magazine, and are very good at bestowing dubious honors.

If for any reason you have not been successful in changing the topic of conversation with any of the before mentioned folks, get ready for the questions. The first one always seems to be, “Have you searched for your birthmother?”

While this may be a yes or no question, you can be sure it’s not going to end there. If you say, “No, I haven’t searched.” they are going to want to know why. Try to keep in mind that the total of most people’s exposure to reunion consists of having seen a daytime talk show. They haven’t given a thought to what happens after the tears, hugs, and uplifting music ends.

If you haven’t searched you’ve probably given thought to the complications involved. It’s perfectly acceptable not to want to talk about it. Feel free to tell them so.

This does not mean they won’t ask for further clarification. “Aren’t you curious?” Everybody’s curious, maybe them more than you.

Or maybe they will come up with a reason for you, “”Are you afraid of hurting your adoptive parents?” Either you are or you aren’t. It’s truly none of their business. No one would ever dream of asking anyone but an adoptee such a personal question. It wouldn’t be out of line to bring that up.

Some will accept this and some will tell you what they would do in your situation. Keep in mind they are not in your situation. After all, if you were them you would have shut your mouth already.

If you answer, “Yes, I’ve searched for my natural parents.” Be prepared for a whole lot more questions. If you really don’t want to get into this, just say you haven’t searched and refer to the advice above. Again, it isn’t anybody’s business but your own.

Obviously the next question will be “Did you find her?” If you are still searching, folks find the details of your search oh so fascinating. Many will be surprised that you can’t just go up to your
State Birthparent License Bureau, fill out a form, and pick up their current address. Even those who think that you should be too grateful to search seem to think that this is unfair. This is one of those rare times that you may get sympathy without any real understanding. You may receive offers of help, everyone seems to think they know someone who has access to helpful information.

Accept any offers of assistance knowing that they will more than likely come to nothing. People generally aren’t as well connected as they think and have no idea he kind of favors that have to be used up in order to obtain this information. Chances are if they do try someone will straighten them out on why they just can’t have this information. Expect to have that explained to you again.

If you been reunited the first thing asked will be, “What was she like?” as if reunion was about getting a good look at someone and moving on immediately.

Folks are both genuinely interested and morbidly curious about reunion. The odd thing is it doesn’t matter if you tell them that’s she’s now the Secretary of State or that you found her in a pool of her own vomit in a crackhouse, they are going to want to know if you are more like her or your adoptive parents. It seems that everyone is carrying out their own research project when it comes to adoptees.

Vagueness is your friend here. We are all products of both environment and genetics, and as adoptees we know this is much too much to explain in casual conversation. People not involved in adoption have no idea how complicated reunion is. It is nearly impossible to explain this without making it sound like a bad thing you never should have got involved in in the first place.

But don’t worry conversation will be steered back around to your adoptive parents and just how all this effects them almost immediately. They will want to know how your adoptive parents feel
about it. Even in issues of reunion your adoptive parents will be seen as carrying more importance than you or your natural family.

Trust me, just tell them that your adoptive parents are alright with all aspects of your reunion. If you get into too much detail about the conflicting emotions surrounding reunion, you’ll have them thinking that you are the personification of evil.

If you are beginning to think that you just can’t win, most of the time you are right. Just to keep your sanity, try to think of these folks as simple minded. Most people truly are when it comes to
adoption. Some can be educated but most just aren’t interested. The experiences of their second cousin twice removed on their father’s side will suffice.

I wonder if they ever asked their second cousin twice removed on their father’s side if their natural mother was a crackwhore?

See more self involved musings at According To Addie.

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