subtitled Taking a Closer Look at 1 Corinthians 13

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Adopting in response to your faith, answering “the call of adoption,” means nothing if you don’t adopt to love a child. Yes, y’all, it really IS that simple. Don’t adopt to save a child. Nor to rescue a child. And definitely don’t do it just to prove or grow your faith. Or to join the “in crowd.” If you aren’t adopting to love a child, then STOP. Don’t adopt. You won’t gain anything. Neither will the child. The end.

Except what does that love look like?

Adoptive parents are a diverse crowd, and our children are just as diverse, so I don’t know that it’s completely fair to create a list of specific dos and don’ts and say “THIS is what love in adoption MUST look like.” But… but… some overall concepts are universally true. While we may not agree on every single detail, and I may not be right on every single point, I do believe that sharing my list – the things that God has placed on my heart – will help you think more about God’s Truth when it comes to your own call to adopt.

Love is patient.

Adopted children? Often come to us hurting. Even if they experienced “little” in the way of trauma before entering our lives, the very act of adoption is traumatic. Because there is loss in the act of adoption, it’s inevitable that our children will struggle, at least some of the time and often more than that, especially in the early years. We must be patient with them. We must give them what they need, when they need it, even if it does not match up to our expectations.

Be patient when they are anxious… they are afraid you will leave them. Be patient when they are controlling… they are responding to a deep-seated need to feel safe and secure. Be patient when they express insecurities… they still feel the soul-shaking sting of abandonment. Be patient. Most adoption professionals will tell you that it takes at least a year to transition… but for our children who hurt the most, for whatever reason, it often takes about three years.

Love is kind.

It is not kind to expect an adoptee, especially one adopted transculturally and/or at an older age, to seamlessly fit into your life. The entire family must work together to make adjustments when an adopted child enters the family. Consider how you can introduce the tastes, sights, sounds, smells and experiences that the child already knows and loves into family life. Simply because it’s the kind thing to do.

It is also not kind to expect a child of a minority race to live in an all-white world. We can debate the impact of a lack of diversity for forever and a day, but I think that we can all agree that a lack of diversity for a child of color in an all-white family? Is just not kind. It asks a lot to expect a child to feel comfortable in their own skin when they rarely, if ever, see someone who looks similar to them, or even – failing that – someone who simply looks different from White. It IS kind to actively seek out diversity for your multiracial family, even if that places you outside of your comfort zone.

It is also not kind to expect that love, no matter how rich and full, will ever erase their pasts. Kindness means acknowledging their pain, acknowledging THE RIGHTNESS of their pain, showing them compassion and walking alongside them through their grieving process, which may be minimal or extensive, short-lived or life-long. It’s different for every adoptee. We have to be prepared for any reality.

It does not envy.

As adoptive parents, we need to get past any insecurities we have about our childrens feelings for and connection to their first parents. Period. When your child asks you about his or her birthparents, you need to answer truthfully, respectfully and with great compassion. There is no place for envy nor insecurity. This needs to carry through into your child’s adolescent and adult years, when he or she may even choose to search for and/or increase contact with the other family.

It does not boast.

I’ll be blunt here… if you expect your child to feel grateful to you for adopting him or her, then you are being boastful. Because you are, in effect, secretly saying “look at this great thing I did.” Don’t go there. And don’t allow others to go there either. Instead, you need to express with all humility how much you have gained through adoption, at the expense of so many others, including your child. (That is not to say that we should not train our children to possess an overall attitude of gratitude rather than a sense of entitlement. But that’s a whole ‘nother topic.)

I need to go a step further and share that I also believe it is boastful to adopt even one more child than the Lord calls you to adopt, whether it be child #2 or child #15. The Lord blesses small families and large families… all are beautiful in His sight. God should determine how many children each family has, not the humans involved. When we overreach His will for our lives, we do a disservice to our marriages and the children already in our homes. Just because we have a plethora of material resources does not necessarily mean the Lord believes we have a plethora of emotional resources. I mean, I always wanted a large family, but the Lord has made it clear to me in recent years (through His words and circumstances), that it is not His will for me to be a mom of a large family. How humbling, especially since I know and admire several mommas of large families, including my own sister.

It is not proud.

Adoptive parents need to really sit with their own biases about different socioeconomic classes, races, languages and cultures. We need to accept and embrace the best aspects of our child’s birth culture and show compassion when discussing the worst aspects, all the while honestly and humbly admitting to the best and worst of our own culture.

We also need to acknowledge that adoption is often based on the perception that a middle-class, traditional two-parent family is better for a child than other family alternatives. We need to acknowledge that the attitudes “they’ll have it better in America” and “it will be better for them than life with a poor, single mother” run rampant through the adoption community. We need to admit that these prevalent beliefs exist because, when viewed through the lens of middle class American values, it’s considered true. But what if we remained humble, avoiding that trap of assuming that our way of life is superior to another?

It is not rude.

We need to remember that adoption is better today as compared with 30 years ago because we oh-so-slowly started listening to the voices of adoptees. We must respect that. I often hear people throwing around the term “angry adult adoptee” to silence an adoptee’s voice, even when the adoptee is not expressing an opinion that sounds angry… it just doesn’t sound “grateful.” While these adult adoptees do not speak for our children, they can offer a unique perspective that we do not possess unless we, too, are transracial adoptees. And yes, of course our children might feel completely the opposite from the opinion being expressed, but… maybe not.

We also must treat first parents with respect rather than rudeness. In the past two months, I have encountered several blogs plastered with Scripture and “pray for us” messages that also include derogatory terms describing natural mothers, including, but not limited to, “breeders” and “incubators.” Really? Come on, really?

It is not self-seeking.

Adoption is based on the best interests of the child… except when it isn’t. It is easy for prospective adoptive parents, ignorant or desperate, to allow their own wants and needs to creep in ahead of the best interests of the child. Adoption professionals are there to combat that, but… BUT… adoption is also an industry, so those safe-guards can easily fall through. Adoption professionals possess their own biases, as does everyone; and adoption agencies, lawyers and programs don’t want to lose jobs. Understandable.

Except it’s not. Because these are CHILDREN we are talking about.

Ideally, a child should live with his or her biological family in a safe, nurturing environment where basic needs are met. Period. Adoption should not even enter the conversation unless this is not possible. Which means that adoptive parents should not only listen to the voices of adult adoptees, but also the voices of first parents/ birthparents/ natural parents. Learn, from their perspectives, about the Baby Scoop Era (BSE) and the coercion that still goes on today. Accept that more young mothers might choose to parent their children if they received more support and acceptance from their families and communities.

Also, pay attention to the recent news story from Haiti about the Idaho missionaries – this international form of coercion occurs more often than we wish to believe, in countries all around the world. The only difference with Haiti? Was that Laura Silsby got caught. (If you don’t believe me, please watch this video.)

If you adopt, be sure to also actively support family preservation efforts with your words, time and money. Because love is NOT self-seeking.

It is not easily angered.

Adoption creates complex emotions bcause adoption itself is complex, forming out of complex situations. As adoptive parents, we must avoid growing easily angered when discussing adoption and adoption issues… because we may fully understand just three or four of the 25 or 30 issues important to the topic at hand. It’s always far more complex than we realize.

I rarely see someone make the blanket statement that “all adoption is wrong.” Instead, I see many adult adoptees, first parents and a minority of adoptive parents saying, “wait a minute… because it’s not that simple.” Yet a large number of adoptive parents react to that sentiment with extreme anger, sometimes even waving what I call the banner of God, without bothering to even prayerfully consider the opinion expressed.

It keeps no record of wrongs.

It’s very easy, during those first few months (or years!) home with an adopted child, to allow everything to build up, blaming the child for a lack of bonding and attachment.  I admit it. It’s even expected when one is dealing with a child who has moderate to major attachment issues. But that doesn’t make it right. We are to strive to keep no record of wrongs, forgiving again and again. And again. We will never fully attach to our children if we continue to focus on the wrongs they’ve committed… wrongs that, when seen through the lens of adoption trauma, are completely understandable. They didn’t ask for any of this… WE did. They are children… WE are adults. They lost as much, if not more, than they gained… WE lost nothing.

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.

I need to just come out and say this… adoption, especially international adoption, is a corrupt and dirty business. Our social worker, an employee of a well-respected Christian adoption agency, even states this. Unequivocally. We need to not only acknowledge this, but actively work, to the best of our ability, to end it. That’s not to say we shouldn’t adopt at all. Because there ARE millions of orphans in this world who need loving homes. But… BUT… we need to research countries and agencies before we commit to them.

We also need to acknowledge the differences between infant and older child adoption, special needs and non-special needs programs. (Now, y’all know that the husband and I are adopting through China’s non-special needs program, so I truly don’t judge the decisions of any family, because Heh-LLO… but that doesn’t mean I can just sweep it under the rug because it makes me uncomfortable.) Healthy infant girls are seen as a commodity within the adoption industry. That’s not to say that EVERYONE views them this way – and of course you don’t – but there are MANY who do. Every nation, even China, has been touched by corruption scandals.

We can’t ignore this. We need to actively fight against this. And if we find evidence of gross corruption within a specific agency, program or country – even if we have already committed to it – we need to put aside our selfish desires and start all over again. Because love does not delight in evil.

It always protects.

If we are not prepared to tackle racism and discrimination head on, then we definitely should not adopt transracially. And every adoptive parent needs to work to rid their child’s world of biases and legal discrimination against adopted persons. This includes basics such as helping schools learn adoption-friendly language and fighting for the rights of adult adoptees to have access to their original birth certificates.

Always trusts.

And here’s where I say that – if God calls you to become an adoptive parent – God will equip you to become an adoptive parent. The ideas that you are reading today may feel completely overwhelming to you. You probably even disagree with some of them. But God will equip you to do what He sees that your child needs. The details of your child’s list? May look very different from this list… because this is the list God placed on my heart for our Tongginator. But make no mistake, God WILL expect you to love your child with the love of 1 Corinthians 13. And it will look different from loving a biological child. The only thing you have to do? Is empty your cup. That’s what my husband says when he’s talking about remaining teachable, open to what God has to say.

Always hopes.

God can heal any child… even a child with reactive attachment disorder. God can do that. And we, as adoptive parents, need to cling to that hope even amidst the darkest of days.

Always perseveres.

We cannot give up on our children. Now I do realize that sometimes… SOMETIMES… families need to find another solution, especially if other children in the home are being harmed. But giving up too early and too easily is not Godly. It just isn’t. Because love? Perseveres.

Love never fails.

And it doesn’t, y’all. I do not share these things to scare you away from adopting. I share these things because, if you can read what God has placed on my heart about adoption without reacting defensively – even if you disagree with some of it – then oh my lands, will you ever make an excellent adoptive parent. Because the one quality that is the most important in this incredible world of adoption parenting?

Is one’s willingness to remain teachable.

And if you are willing to thoughtfully consider my imperfect, human thoughts on this topic, and to at least listen to the personal experiences of other members of the adoption triad (adult adoptees, first parents), then you definitely are willing to hear God’s voice in all of this. And that? Will be enough. Worldly love may not be enough for an adoptee. But the love that God describes in 1 Corinthians 13? THAT kind of love IS enough.

THAT kind of love never fails.

This post was originally published in May 2010 at Our Little Tongginator.  Although the blog author Tonggu Momma usually rants and rambles about nothing, every once in awhile she’ll try to speak about Serious Adoption Stuff.  But that’s only when she has time and – with a six-year old Tongginator in the house – it isn’t all that often.