Interview with Bert Ballard

Recently I had the opportunity to speak with Robert L. Ballard about the book Pieces Of Me; Who Do I Want To Be? (which will be known as POM from here on out, for obvious reasons).   While I was dying to ask him about the use of the dreaded semi-colon in the title of every adoption book, I held  back. Bert, as he is known, is an interesting guy.  He’s an international adoptee, a PAP, and very active in the adoption community.  I tried to get his thoughts on all of these things.  Enjoy.

You taken some chances with this book, you’ve included essays from a wide variety of folks involved with adoption, stuff that you don’t always see. As well as the stories of resolution, you’ve included coming out stories, accounts of abuse, addiction, as well as thoughts from folks who admit that they haven’t completely resolved their feelings about adoption. As an adoptee myself, some of them were hard to read, but I’m glad to see these things addressed. Did you go into this project thinking that you would receive stories like this? And why did you think it was important to include them?

BB: A quick note before I answer . . . I didn’t do this project on my own. Carrie Kitze, the publisher at EMK Press, Sheena Macrae, the original editor (you can find out more about why I took over here: http://www.growninmyheart.com/a-must-read-a-new-book-for-the-adopted-teen), and my wife, Sarah Ballard, who is an adoption counselor and frequent co-trainer/speaker with me, were instrumental in thinking through and planning this book. So when I say “we” below, this is who I mean. I don’t think we went into the project intentionally seeking out these kinds of stories, but we did go in wanting to capture a broad range of experiences about what it means to be adopted. We wanted the hard and sad stuff, which I think unfortunately many of us tend to be more familiar with – the racism, the identity struggles, the lack of fitting in. But we also wanted to capture those voices that think adoption has been good to them as well. You will see voices sharing experiences they think are “normal,” “like every other kid,” or even offer inspiration and good thoughts to others who are adopted. As for the stories of abuse and addiction, I have to admit they caught me by surprise. Although I know of many adoptees – some who are friends – who have experienced these terrible circumstances, I was surprised that some of our authors had the courage to talk about these experiences. Often these experiences limit our voice and that many of our authors talk about them in the book is really humbling for me. I hope those that did speak out gained a measure of healing from their courage. On the other hand, after we received all of the submissions, we sought out some particular topics that were not addressed adequately, like sexual identity, open adoption from the adoptee side, and foster care. As we worked on the book, we realized that for us as adoptees, it is only one part of our journey as people. It is an important part, no doubt, but it is only one part. We are also sons, daughters, spouses, friends, students, dreamers, employees, sports fans, shoppers . . . well, you get the idea. We are more than just being adopted, and we wanted to capture this. As a final answer to your question, this whole book was built on authenticity. We wanted whoever submitted to speak authentically about their lives and experiences, whether it was hard struggles, abusive moments, times of inspiration and gratitude, or lessons learned. We wanted them to speak through whatever means – stories, advice, poems, art, song – whatever moved them. This is why we included those difficult stories – they are authentic expressions of real people and their experiences in their lives . . . and these people happen to be adopted. And our hope is that these authentic voices will encourage readers to connect authentically with the book and with others in their lives, no matter how wonderful and challenging their lives may be.

There is a focus on international adoptees in Pieces Of Me, which makes a lot of sense with the prevalence of international adoption right now.  You are an international adoptee yourself, how do you feel your experience differs from that of younger adoptees? And has working on Pieces Of Me made you re-evaluate your experience?

BB: First, I am kind of saddened to hear that you think there was a focus on international adoptees – that wasn’t our intention. We were hoping to capture all adoptee experiences – domestic, open, foster care, international, transracial. But, there is definitely a strong international flavor to the book, so I guess I can see what you are saying. We tried hard to avoid it feeling overly international, but at the same time, that is where we received most of the submissions from – folks with that kind of experience. Back to your question, I think one very prominent difference between my generation of adoptees and the younger generation is the parents. For us older adoptees, our parents were generally less educated and less aware of the issues and challenges we faced growing up. This is not to say they were bad parents or anything, but that the information wasn’t out there and international adoption was seen primarily as a “save the children,” humanitarian type effort. Today, adoption is more about family choice and in a lot of ways about economics. Today’s adoptive parents are, in my opinion, overeducated. They see inherent problems in adoption, and while I am glad they are being educated on the struggles associated with adoption related to separation, losing culture, grief and loss, racism, attachment and so on, sometimes all they see is adoption problems and not the rest of it. In short, the pendulum has swung so far in trying to overcorrect what the older generation of parents lacked, that the whole person adopted is forgotten. Today’s parents have a preoccupation over the adoption issues and sometimes try to “fix” their kids rather than love them. While my generation of adoptees are angry and frustrated because we did not receive acknowledgment or attention regarding many of our issues and struggles, today’s generation is crying out, “Back off, let me speak, and just let me be me!” I’m hoping Pieces of Me is a turning point for today’s generation of adoptees, a sense that they they can speak out about their experiences on their terms. The quote by Juli Jeong Martin on the back cover of the book seems to say it all. As for myself, this was definitely a personal journey for me, raising all kinds of questions and forcing me to revisit some of my own struggles. Prominently, I was made more aware of how separation from my own birth mother has impacted my relationships, fear of rejection, and insecurities with friends and families. I realized that many young people have gone farther than I in their journey and I learned many lessons from the submissions (I wish I could’ve put everyone in the book!). In putting together the book, my family and I also worked on adopting a son from Vietnam, and a few weeks after the book was released, we received a referral (we’ll go pick him up in 2010), so that journey really paralleled the book and inspired me to offer for him something I didn’t have when I was young – other voices to let him know it’s okay to feel hurt, scared, challenged, and happy about being adopted.

You were part of Operation Babylift, and a recent documentary made on the subject, your journey was both dramatic and controversial. Operation Babylift has been credited with beginning the practice of international adoption in the United States, even though there was some of this being done earlier.  In a way I suppose many see you as a pioneer, that would seem to come with a lot of expectations and pressure, especially for someone very involved in the adoption community.  How have you handled that pressure?  Worst moments?  Best moments?

BB: Okay, the academic in me has to correct some points in your question. Operation Babylift isn’t really credited for beginning international adoption, but it has certainly had a large impact on it, especially in the United States. It has been and continues to be played out in the media in such a way that often people associate Operation Babylift with international adoption, even though international adoption is so much bigger and involves so much more. That being said, I guess I don’t really see myself as a pioneer. I have always been and I remain committed to creating spaces and communities where adoptees can authentically communicate and genuinely relate. While I am very aware of the unethical and corrupt practices in international adoption (and am working on a conference to help address these concerns), I take a more realist position different than many of my adopted peers in that I do not believe international adoption should or will ever end. At the same time, it needs to be done much, much better. (See my article called “The Narrative of International Adoption” at www.conducivemag.com which details my personal story and a history of international adoption for more.) In this way, I think adoption is a lifelong journey, not one of placement and post-placement, but one of life. To that end, resources like Pieces of Me really help us understand the experiences of the adopted person, recognizing that we need to provide support, encouragement, and an authentic community for adopted persons. As far as pressure goes, I don’t really feel any. I just live my life with an aim to help others, teach others, love my family, be the best parent, and be the best colleague possible. There are moments, sure, when balancing all of this is tough, but I don’t feel pressure from the international adoption community to be anything but me. I guess I’m trying to live as authentically as I can and I’ll leave the judgments up to everyone else. At the same time, some of the more difficult moments are with adopted friends and colleagues who are against adoption or are critical of it. I very much respect their position and their right to hold it, but sometimes, honestly, I wonder if they think I’m a sellout for adopting a son internationally. It’s hard to say, “I get you, I understand, I relate, but I want to move beyond the hurt, anger, and frustration to improve the system” to where I can respond without feeling as though I am trampling on their pain and their experiences. These can be some of the harder moments for me. As for the best, they far outnumber the worst and range all over. Getting a referral for our son after a very long journey was a great moment. The thank you’s from adoptees – both young and old – who are grateful for a chance to speak out in the book or elsewhere mean the world to me. The ways that adoptive parents come to me and say, “I see things a bit differently” because I spoke to them or because of something I wrote and how they work to build bridges and see their child as a person first and adopted second are moving for me. These are the things that I take with me and treasure, and they are often the things that keep me going when I wonder if the things I do matter.

Lastly, what’s next for you?  Any interesting projects on the horizon?

Next? Ha! Haven’t really thought about it much in any purposeful way. I will say that Jessica Emmett and I have started playing around with an idea for a comic strip (http://jessica-emmett.com/adoptedthecomic/). She’s a contributor to Pieces of Me and a great artist. I noticed on Facebook that she wanted to do a comic strip, I threw her some ideas, and away we went. Beyond that in the adoption world, I’m going to focus on promoting Pieces of Me around the world. We have a parent guide and a group leader guide as well for those who want to go to the next level (www.emkpress.com/teenbook.html). On the research side, I want to do some adoptive family communication research around race and intrusive questions in Canada, but that’s down the road a bit. On the personal side, having just received our referral and then traveling in the next six months or so to Vietnam to pick him up and have him join the family will be another step in my own life adventure and journey. I don’t know what kinds of questions he will raise for me or lessons I will learn from him, but I know I am looking forward to it, no matter where it takes me.

Melanie Recoy blogs at According To Addie and her essay A Bored Game is included in Pieces Of Me;Who Do  I Want To Be. ca-pub-3017103269052419