Comments on: Infertility Sucks, a Review on the Silent Sorority

By: Peggy

Peggy — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 02:46:51 +0000

I must say, I am appalled at the adoptees coming on here to attack people with infertility. Not everyone who is infertile, chooses to adopt. Please remember that. There are plenty of “fertiles” who adopt.

By: Peggy

Peggy — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 02:43:50 +0000

I think its fine with someone chooses NOT to adopt. They may want to keep trying for a genetic child. I would highly recommend In Vitro, because it is often a cheaper way of getting a child, than adoption is. Also, with IVF, you don’t have to wait 3 years and you will probably spend far less than you would, if you adopted internationally. The whole adoption industry exploits people who are desperate for children, they also exploit and lie to birthmothers. Many people in other countries are selling babies to orphanages, there is a lot of child trafficking, in order to satisfy the demand for adoptions. Unfortunately, the more that people choose to adopt, the more that this goes on. Many so-called “orphans” are not true orphans, they actually have one or two living parents who want them back. Birth records are altered, names and dates are changed, and the children never see their real parents again. I have seen people attacked for saying they did not choose adoption. The politically correct camp is so judgmental of those who are infertile.

By: kcanuck

kcanuck — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 02:56:02 +0000

I am floored by the anger regarding adoption voiced in this forum. I’m sorry that adoption has obviously been perceived as the source of some people’s unhappiness.
I am a 35 year old woman that was adopted as a baby. My parents were unable to have children.
They have been a wonderful family to me. I often joke that they should have had 5 more children than just me, as they are full of parental love–many of my friends growing up called them mom and dad.
Adoption does not have to be a source of pain and anger. I have never had those feelings–I was told at a very young age that my birth parents were not able to care for me, so I was placed with my parents. And that was fine with me.
Later in my life my adoptive family contacted me. I had no real desire for contact, but did end up having some limited contact to reassure them that I was fine. I am struck by what a great job my adoptive family did raising me and guiding me to become the successful person I am.

Had my parents not adopted I would have been raised in much different circumstances by someone who was not capable of caring for me. As infants there are many things decided for us, as we are not at that time able to decide things. And had I not been adopted my parents would have remained childless, which is something I think would have been very sad for them. They treasured me growing up, and I always felt really lucky to be their child–the one that they chose to have.

I just wanted to represent someone who is well-adjusted and happy with their adoption story.

Kirsten

By: admin

admin — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 02:34:05 +0000

From a reader who could not comment… Wow, I am really taken aback by the anger expressed over the review of this book. I thought this was a forum where everyone involved in adoption was welcome, including people considering adoption. Infertility does suck. It is painful – emotionally, spiritually, and depending on what procedures you take to try to conceive, physically. Like any other experience in ones life, it becomes part of who you are, a part of the fabric that makes up your personality. Having a resouce like this book may help someone from adopting for the “wrong reasons”, or help someone heal before they decide to adopt. Infertility is a death – it is a death of a dream, it is a death of a person’s self image, in many cases it can be the death of a marriage. It can be a life changing situation. It is something that one learns to cope with and to heal from. But it does not mean that the pain is ever totally gone. There are times that something will still hit me in the gut and make those feeling very raw and painful. It took my husband and me many years to heal, to be able to look forward, to determine that we were ok as individuals and as a couple without children before we pursued adoption. I wish that there had been a resource like this for us as we were struggling. Maybe I could have healed faster, or at least understood that I was not alone during that very bleak and dark time in my life. Maybe one of those families that adopted while still in a grieving state can be helped with this resource so that they don’t make their children feel like a “fix” instead of children to be loved and cherished. Maybe it will help a couple examine their lives and determine that they truly don’t want to adopt, but assist children in some other manner. NO ONE deserves to have their struggle in life belittled or judged – that includes adopted people, first parents, and yes, those of us who are infertile and have subsequently adopted children. We should all welcome any resource that will help create healthier people within the adoption community. Just because it does not meet one individual’s particular need does not mean that it should be excluded from this site. Everyone involved in adoption needs to be made aware of all available resources so that we can all discuss things, so we can appreciate the struggles of each person and so that we are able to dialogue in a meaningful way to support the children.

By: Michelle K.

Michelle K. — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 23:49:17 +0000

Wow. That’s a lot of anger. If one demands others to have completely dealt with their issues of infertily before trying to move on with their lives (be it deciding to adopt, deciding to live a child-free life, or for pete’s sake taking a trip to Napal) perhaps – and this is just a suggestion – perhaps this person could completely deal with their issues before posting angry comments? Hmmmm.. not possible? Perhaps, and this is just a guess, because issues that are huge (like being adopted, being infertile, being poor, being blind .. whatever) are so all encompassing in our lives that everything we do or say or think about is somehow or another tainted by these circumstances in our lives. I’m also going to go out on a limb and suggest there is nothing that is a cure-all for anything. Adoption is not a cure-all for infertility (obviously). Neither is venting a cure-all for being upset (also obvious). I was taken aback by the vehemence of some comments and calmed by the humility of others. Quite the journey.

By: Cat

Cat — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 21:37:12 +0000

B, I’m really sorry you find it distasteful to talk about infertility on an adoption site. I unreservedly apologise if that has offended you or others, as it was not my intention to do so. I was led to this post because of the review on the book “silent sorority”, and have not commneted on any other post. I’ve engaged with the discussion because of it’s particular content and because of the attacks on infertile women who choose to adopt. I wish that it could be a place for sharing experiences so that we can learn from one another, rather than a place to attack. I can see that you are extremely angry and hurt by your past. I am sorry for your pain and loss – though I accept that you’ll probably not hear my tone as genuine in that. Best wishes to you.

By: B

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:12:45 +0000

I meant that my adoptive grandmother had my adoptive mother at age 19. Typos.

By: B

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:11:52 +0000

I wonder if your husband’s mother is still impoverished. I wonder if she is still a teenager without support. See that’s the thing about this birth mother speculation. They don’t stay teenagers forever. Adoption is often a permanent solution to a temporary problem. My own adoptive mother had her at age 19. My adoptive aunt also had a child a 19. they kept them and raised them to be decent people.
And we can never forget that most prominent child of a teenaged mother (who technically was unwed as her “husband” was a bigamist) our President. I wonder where he would be today if his mother had made that brave, unselfish sacrifice so many demand and had relinquished him to adoption. Hmmm…
We can speculate all we want but I’m pretty sure, most newborn infants would opt to stay with their mothers so I think you can put your crystal ball away.

I’m not willing to say that decisions to adopt are wrong either. I do have to say that talking about one’s so-called “sorority of infertility” on an adoption forum that is supposed to be open to everyone is inappropriate and distasteful.

By: Cat

Cat — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 03:43:30 +0000

I actually do see how that works, B. As I said, my DH is adopted and no, he didn’t have a choice in whether he would stay with a single, teenage mother with no finacial or emotional support, or with a older married couple with finacical security but no direct genetic links or contact with his biological family. It wasn’t his choice. It was a choice that both the birth mother and the couple who adopted him made. I don’t think many would argue with the idea that being born to someone who is unwilling or unable to care for you is completely unfair.

But I’m not exactly sure why you think that people who adopt are thinking of it as a “cure” for their infertility. Many people adopt, and not always because of infertility. Infact I’ve noticed that many in the infertile world get very distressed when others assume that they’ll adopt since they can’t have their own child, as if it were indeed a cure. I think it is something else entirely.

Thanks for questioning the idea of judgement. I wasn’t reading the judgemental tone as being related to people’s actual infertility. And I thank you for that. But it does sound like people are being judged for actions that may come as a result of having dealt with infertility – a view that you’ve confirmed above.

Of course we are all free to make judgements. In fact it’s something we all must do – it’s how we navigate our own path and decisions. I guess I’m just not ready to say that I know, definitively, that all decisions made with regard to adopting a child are wrong. I’m not willing to say that it is always a black and white case and that there is never a time when adoption is in the best interests of the child. My experience with infertility, my work in a group home for wards of the state and my relationships with those close to me who are adopted, have taught me that life is rarely this straightforward, I may add perhaps, unfortunately.

By: B

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 22:27:06 +0000

Yes I totally see what you are saying. It is all about making those hard choices. I know that when I chose to be relinquished…oh…uh…wait. I didn’t have a choice in that now, did I?
No I didn’t.

See how that works?

I understand that when one encounters infertility, that there are many hard choices to be made however I do not see how that figures into adoption. Then again, I do not see adoption as any kind of cure for infertility. I don’t even think adoption is a band-aid for infertility.

And this is where so many of us differ.

Perhaps the word “judgment” is inappropriate here. I don’t think anyone is judging anyone on their infertility but on how one may use their infertility to justify themselves, right or wrong.