Infertility Sucks, a Review on the Silent Sorority
Feature — By Marcie on November 15, 2009 at 7:55 amand it’s harder than hell. Those of you who are infertiles like myself certainly know what I mean. My husband and I were lucky in that our conception journey was, by most standards, very short. We only tried to conceive for a year before we started the adoption process.
Some couples, however, struggle though treatment after treatment, month after month, and year after year, only to be repeatedly disappointed. I’m not saying we weren’t disappointed because we were. We were heartbroken at not conceiving and frustrated by the roller coaster of hormones and emotions. We just decided to stop after one horrific treatment and move on.
An although being barren may be considered a Silent Sorority over 12% of the US reproductive population is infertile. And it does suck. The hurt does not go away and Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos clearly knows that, just like most of us do. The hurt doesn’t go away but we do find ways to deal with it. We learn when to hide in restaurant restrooms when baby showers commence at the next table, when to sulk at the neighborhood bowling game because someone told you it must be great to not pay for a babysitter, and when to yell F-You when parents bring kids to bars.
Before trying to get pregnant I never gave much thought to NOT getting pregnant. I don’t think many women do. For so many of us though, it is reality. My husband and I chose to adopt because we really wanted a family. We were only 28 and 29 when we realized what our future would be like without children and to us it just wasn’t right. When Pamela and her husband stopped fertility treatments they chose to live childless.
Books abound with success stories which end with the arrival of a baby after infertility. This book is about one of the “failure stories,” which, as the title suggests, are also abundant but rarely shared, let alone made public. A seemingly depressing premise; no one likes a sad ending. And yet Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos has crafted a compelling story in three parts: the years of trying to conceive, told in a tone of wit and self-deprecation; the years of realization that a baby was not to be, told in jarringly vivid descriptions of the last-resort medical procedures and subsequent authentic tones of sadness and rage; and the years after, told in equally authentic tones of peace and acceptance of what this altered vision of family life will mean not only for her, but also for her husband, whose voice is heard throughout the book.
Tsigdinos’ mission is to raise awareness of the topic of infertility and the toll it takes on women physically and emotionally. Miscarriages and failed efforts to conceive are rarely discussed. And when brought to light, the responses from society are very often insensitive and unhelpful, sometimes even hostile (“Things could be worse, you know” or “The world doesn’t need any more kids”). Tsigdinos explains for the fertile world why responses like “Just relax and you’ll get pregnant” and “Maybe it’s God’s will,” while intended to be helpful, are quite the opposite. Her explanation of why, “Have you considered adoption?” is equally dismissive of the pain and loss of infertility bears reading by everyone who has a friend or family member struggling with this issue. – Amazon
Can a book that ends without a baby have a happy ending? YES. And honorably so. Pamela’s book, the Silent Sorority: A Barren Woman Gets Busy, Angry, Lost and Found
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22 Comments
Adoption is not the cure-all for infertility.
No one should decide to adopt until he/she has completely dealt with their issue of not being able to conceive a natural child.
Too many people adopt to have a child fulfill their desires. This should NEVER be the motivation for adoption, but sadly IS most of the time. (An adults “fulfillment” should never be a burden placed on a child.)
Adoption should be giving a REAL orphan a home and doing everything to protect that little person’s identity, preserve his/her culture and ethnicity and ties to his/her natural parents. No child should be removed from his/her country. No child should have his/her birth certificate sealed and altered.
Infertility sucks, but adoption sucks even worse.
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Oh, Mara…can’t you simply understand that we wanted a family? Is that so hard?
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I will have to read this. In the thick of things, I think coming to terms with infertility can take a back burner to discerning how to answer the call to become parents. I think most parents who are led to adoption through infertility do eventually come to terms with their infertility, one way or another.
Here’s the thing–adoption isn’t a cure all for infertility. Any adoptive parent who also hasn’t given birth knows that. There are still conversations I find uncomfortable, memes and quizzes I simply delete, and times when I just want to scream.
The fact that the ending to this book is a coming to terms with infertility and remaining childless is huge, and I am sure that many childless women will welcome it as a breath of fresh air.
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“can’t you simply understand that we wanted a family?”
Sure, it’s understandable. Let me ask you this rhetorical question:
What makes the adoptive family’s right to have a family more valid than the biological family?
You want a child. Okay. That’s natural. I understand. It’s a natural desire to want, create and love a child.
But see, that child comes from another mother, who presumably wanted a child as well and was able to birth one. So – why is her desire for a family any less valid than yours? Why is there no equivalent perception?
Is it about you solely desiring to raise a child, or is it about what you have been subconsciously absorbing from society that makes you want to be a mother? Or perhaps it is a mixture of both?
I do not understand why a mother who cannot conceive psychologically (or subconsciously) compares herself to another mother’s child simply by saying “I wanted a family”?
Is it not considered that the mother who gave up her child just maybe, might have wanted to raise and love a child as well?
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Mei-Ling, I totally agree. We wanted a child probably just as much as our children’s birth parents did. I won’t argue that.
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My partner and I have been trying for our first baby for over 4 years now and have yet to be successful. We have undergone several rounds of IVF and each time the embryo was rejected by my body. I have tried several other alternative remedies such as the miracleofpregnancy.com which was useful but did not work for us. A friend of ours whom is in a similar position has tried the Pregnancy Miracle which has worked for them on the first attempt, we are really happy for them both as they too have been trying for nearly as long as ourselves. Has anyone else ever tried this or is it just coincidence do you think?
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I could care less about your infertility. And your adoptee doesn’t need to hear about it either.
As a child being raised by infertile people, I bore the burden of their infertility. it was not a fun existence. I also lived in fear that one day I too would be infertile. No adoptee needs their parents’ infertility rubbed in their face. It is not an adoptee’s job to cure their adoptive parents’ infertility. IMO AP’s who are raising children should have resolved their infertility issues long before they ever adopted.
Claiming to be part of an infertile sorority on a blog supposedly for all members of adoption is disrespectful.
Adoption is not nor will it ever be a cure for infertility. The sooner everyone is on board with that, the healthier your family will be.
You have a child. So instead of continue to whine about your infertility, maybe it’s time to truly move into the light. For the sake of your child, you should do this.
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For the record, I have never told my children I can’t have children.
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Yes, and I guess your children will never grow up and read what you have written here. What possible need would they have to read anything about adoption?
You are the one putting this out here for all to read and consume my dear. Believe me, one day your children will read what you have written.
Oh and this, “can’t you simply understand that we wanted a family?”.
Really? Well I simply want a new car, a new computer and a new house, does that mean I get to have yours?
Talk about entitled.
It’s great to want to have a family, but at the expense of someone else, you’re ok with that?
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Point taken. I am sure my children will find out that I am infertile. But I have grieved. I have dealt with my issues.
And yes, we wanted a family. No, I am not entitled to a child, biological or adopted, but we were able to adopt two. And I am okay with that. I know where both my children came from. I know both of their circumstances and I am okay with that.
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Hi. I’m infertile and my DH and I are choosing not to adopt, primarily because he’s adopted and doesn’t think he could cope with the issues involved. Through knowing him I understand that there are indeed many life long issues involved regarding identity and belonging with regard to adoption.
But…I am really suprised at the amount of anger, or judgement, that seems to be injected into some of the responses toward women who have adopted.
As someone who is struggling with infertility I have come to understand that everyone’s journey through this is individual, and moral choices strike out at every twisty turn. How are we to understand, support and share our knowlege about this journey if we attack each other for the difficult choices we’ve had to make?
One of the problems I’ve experienced from those who have not had any stuggle with having their own children, is that they so often assume that the decisions along the way are easy ones to make. It’s not easy to choose to do IVF. It’s not easy to decide how many IVF attempts at IVF to make. It’s not easy to choose an alternative, non medical route. It’s not easy to choose donor eggs or sperm. It’s not easy to choose not to use donor eggs or sperm. It’s not easy to decide who will be your donor. It’s not easy to decide when to give up. It’s not easy to decide not to adopt….and I assume it’s not easy to decide to adopt either. How about we give eachother a little respect for having to make the hard choices….even if they don’t always fit within our individual moral code?
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Cat: Your points are excellent and well articulated. I could not agree more. The decisions involved at each step can often be overwhelming and the process uncertain. Each decision raises a new set of implications. Layer on top the “moral code” factor and a new level of difficulty gets revealed. There’s nothing straightforward or easy for anyone involved…
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Yes I totally see what you are saying. It is all about making those hard choices. I know that when I chose to be relinquished…oh…uh…wait. I didn’t have a choice in that now, did I?
No I didn’t.
See how that works?
I understand that when one encounters infertility, that there are many hard choices to be made however I do not see how that figures into adoption. Then again, I do not see adoption as any kind of cure for infertility. I don’t even think adoption is a band-aid for infertility.
And this is where so many of us differ.
Perhaps the word “judgment” is inappropriate here. I don’t think anyone is judging anyone on their infertility but on how one may use their infertility to justify themselves, right or wrong.
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I actually do see how that works, B. As I said, my DH is adopted and no, he didn’t have a choice in whether he would stay with a single, teenage mother with no finacial or emotional support, or with a older married couple with finacical security but no direct genetic links or contact with his biological family. It wasn’t his choice. It was a choice that both the birth mother and the couple who adopted him made. I don’t think many would argue with the idea that being born to someone who is unwilling or unable to care for you is completely unfair.
But I’m not exactly sure why you think that people who adopt are thinking of it as a “cure” for their infertility. Many people adopt, and not always because of infertility. Infact I’ve noticed that many in the infertile world get very distressed when others assume that they’ll adopt since they can’t have their own child, as if it were indeed a cure. I think it is something else entirely.
Thanks for questioning the idea of judgement. I wasn’t reading the judgemental tone as being related to people’s actual infertility. And I thank you for that. But it does sound like people are being judged for actions that may come as a result of having dealt with infertility – a view that you’ve confirmed above.
Of course we are all free to make judgements. In fact it’s something we all must do – it’s how we navigate our own path and decisions. I guess I’m just not ready to say that I know, definitively, that all decisions made with regard to adopting a child are wrong. I’m not willing to say that it is always a black and white case and that there is never a time when adoption is in the best interests of the child. My experience with infertility, my work in a group home for wards of the state and my relationships with those close to me who are adopted, have taught me that life is rarely this straightforward, I may add perhaps, unfortunately.
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I wonder if your husband’s mother is still impoverished. I wonder if she is still a teenager without support. See that’s the thing about this birth mother speculation. They don’t stay teenagers forever. Adoption is often a permanent solution to a temporary problem. My own adoptive mother had her at age 19. My adoptive aunt also had a child a 19. they kept them and raised them to be decent people.
And we can never forget that most prominent child of a teenaged mother (who technically was unwed as her “husband” was a bigamist) our President. I wonder where he would be today if his mother had made that brave, unselfish sacrifice so many demand and had relinquished him to adoption. Hmmm…
We can speculate all we want but I’m pretty sure, most newborn infants would opt to stay with their mothers so I think you can put your crystal ball away.
I’m not willing to say that decisions to adopt are wrong either. I do have to say that talking about one’s so-called “sorority of infertility” on an adoption forum that is supposed to be open to everyone is inappropriate and distasteful.
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I meant that my adoptive grandmother had my adoptive mother at age 19. Typos.
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B, I’m really sorry you find it distasteful to talk about infertility on an adoption site. I unreservedly apologise if that has offended you or others, as it was not my intention to do so. I was led to this post because of the review on the book “silent sorority”, and have not commneted on any other post. I’ve engaged with the discussion because of it’s particular content and because of the attacks on infertile women who choose to adopt. I wish that it could be a place for sharing experiences so that we can learn from one another, rather than a place to attack. I can see that you are extremely angry and hurt by your past. I am sorry for your pain and loss – though I accept that you’ll probably not hear my tone as genuine in that. Best wishes to you.
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Wow. That’s a lot of anger. If one demands others to have completely dealt with their issues of infertily before trying to move on with their lives (be it deciding to adopt, deciding to live a child-free life, or for pete’s sake taking a trip to Napal) perhaps – and this is just a suggestion – perhaps this person could completely deal with their issues before posting angry comments? Hmmmm.. not possible? Perhaps, and this is just a guess, because issues that are huge (like being adopted, being infertile, being poor, being blind .. whatever) are so all encompassing in our lives that everything we do or say or think about is somehow or another tainted by these circumstances in our lives. I’m also going to go out on a limb and suggest there is nothing that is a cure-all for anything. Adoption is not a cure-all for infertility (obviously). Neither is venting a cure-all for being upset (also obvious). I was taken aback by the vehemence of some comments and calmed by the humility of others. Quite the journey.
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From a reader who could not comment… Wow, I am really taken aback by the anger expressed over the review of this book. I thought this was a forum where everyone involved in adoption was welcome, including people considering adoption. Infertility does suck. It is painful – emotionally, spiritually, and depending on what procedures you take to try to conceive, physically. Like any other experience in ones life, it becomes part of who you are, a part of the fabric that makes up your personality. Having a resouce like this book may help someone from adopting for the “wrong reasons”, or help someone heal before they decide to adopt. Infertility is a death – it is a death of a dream, it is a death of a person’s self image, in many cases it can be the death of a marriage. It can be a life changing situation. It is something that one learns to cope with and to heal from. But it does not mean that the pain is ever totally gone. There are times that something will still hit me in the gut and make those feeling very raw and painful. It took my husband and me many years to heal, to be able to look forward, to determine that we were ok as individuals and as a couple without children before we pursued adoption. I wish that there had been a resource like this for us as we were struggling. Maybe I could have healed faster, or at least understood that I was not alone during that very bleak and dark time in my life. Maybe one of those families that adopted while still in a grieving state can be helped with this resource so that they don’t make their children feel like a “fix” instead of children to be loved and cherished. Maybe it will help a couple examine their lives and determine that they truly don’t want to adopt, but assist children in some other manner. NO ONE deserves to have their struggle in life belittled or judged – that includes adopted people, first parents, and yes, those of us who are infertile and have subsequently adopted children. We should all welcome any resource that will help create healthier people within the adoption community. Just because it does not meet one individual’s particular need does not mean that it should be excluded from this site. Everyone involved in adoption needs to be made aware of all available resources so that we can all discuss things, so we can appreciate the struggles of each person and so that we are able to dialogue in a meaningful way to support the children.
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I am floored by the anger regarding adoption voiced in this forum. I’m sorry that adoption has obviously been perceived as the source of some people’s unhappiness.
I am a 35 year old woman that was adopted as a baby. My parents were unable to have children.
They have been a wonderful family to me. I often joke that they should have had 5 more children than just me, as they are full of parental love–many of my friends growing up called them mom and dad.
Adoption does not have to be a source of pain and anger. I have never had those feelings–I was told at a very young age that my birth parents were not able to care for me, so I was placed with my parents. And that was fine with me.
Later in my life my adoptive family contacted me. I had no real desire for contact, but did end up having some limited contact to reassure them that I was fine. I am struck by what a great job my adoptive family did raising me and guiding me to become the successful person I am.
Had my parents not adopted I would have been raised in much different circumstances by someone who was not capable of caring for me. As infants there are many things decided for us, as we are not at that time able to decide things. And had I not been adopted my parents would have remained childless, which is something I think would have been very sad for them. They treasured me growing up, and I always felt really lucky to be their child–the one that they chose to have.
I just wanted to represent someone who is well-adjusted and happy with their adoption story.
Kirsten
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I think its fine with someone chooses NOT to adopt. They may want to keep trying for a genetic child. I would highly recommend In Vitro, because it is often a cheaper way of getting a child, than adoption is. Also, with IVF, you don’t have to wait 3 years and you will probably spend far less than you would, if you adopted internationally. The whole adoption industry exploits people who are desperate for children, they also exploit and lie to birthmothers. Many people in other countries are selling babies to orphanages, there is a lot of child trafficking, in order to satisfy the demand for adoptions. Unfortunately, the more that people choose to adopt, the more that this goes on. Many so-called “orphans” are not true orphans, they actually have one or two living parents who want them back. Birth records are altered, names and dates are changed, and the children never see their real parents again. I have seen people attacked for saying they did not choose adoption. The politically correct camp is so judgmental of those who are infertile.
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I must say, I am appalled at the adoptees coming on here to attack people with infertility. Not everyone who is infertile, chooses to adopt. Please remember that. There are plenty of “fertiles” who adopt.
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