Giving Thanks in a world of RAD

It’s been a tough ride around here lately…but something changed.  I think it’s me and I wonder why I couldn’t have done it a long time ago.  RAD isn’t funny.  I know that…but humor and a thankful spirit can, in fact, get a person through very dark days and nights and bring them out on the other side in a better place.  On the plane returning from The Family’s Very Bad Adventure (formerly known as our Fall Break trip), I made some decisions – and strangely, have stuck with them.

How can you be thankful for living with RAD?  It is in every crevice of your day and seeps into every pore of your being.  For your child, it is simply the driving force of minute details and large choices…it is the batteries that drive their motion.  As I’ve said before – to them…it’s life or death.  There isn’t an in-between.  So, while I’m working toward healing my children (and raising a ‘mainstream’ teen…which you all know – there in no normal between 13 and 19), I had forgotten myself in many ways.  I forgot to have fun…even with my kids.  I would PLAN to play a game and not just setting aside time and getting the game set up…but emotionally plan what was about to happen.  In general, my RADishes don’t have “fun”.  There is too much need for control…many games are scary to them because they can’t rule the outcome.  So, I would sit in my own head and plan my comebacks (which weren’t always nice) and plan how I would ask them to leave if they weren’t being fun and plan how to end what should have been a great family time after one or two complete meltdowns.

Have you ever thought about it?  Do you plan ahead for all the bad stuff and then, maybe, just maybe…miss the good?  When my DD was 6 years old, we played checkers.  She proudly hit my end of the board and announced “KIWI”…yes, that is what she thought we were all saying.  I know I laughed and obviously, I remember it…but I also know that I was scared of her reaction to being wrong.  So, I didn’t enjoy it like I do in memories.

Back to that plane ride and that decision I made (not for the first time, let me tell you).  I decided to take back the parts of me that I can.  What can I control and they absolutely should not be allowed to take it from me – no matter what?  A few things came to mind:  my health (could I really blame gaining all this weight on stress from RAD?), my attitude (even if they work hard to break me, I decide how to let it affect me) and my moral compass (I will always be honest).  So, there it was – staring me in the face on that darkened chunk of metal, with my sweet DD beside me crying and pinching my arm and trying to get me into her latest argument with herself.  As I reached over to stroke her leg and hold her hand (mind you, wearing an iPod on high volume so that I could find peace) – I realized that I do love her.  I love the being that is inside, struggling to get out.  I love the little glint in her eye when she says something funny.  I love her enough to stop trying to DO IT ALL.

I have found ways to laugh every day…and if I have to search those things out, it’s now a priority.  Laughter is the anti-stressor…you can’t be sad, mad, revengeful or hurt when you are laughing.  I am scheduling family activities as I always did…but I refuse to over think them anymore.  Yes, they still have to leave if they are ruining things for everyone else…but that’s not on me…it’s not a parental failure.  When DS2 asks me a question and the answer is right there in front of him (or sometimes even within his own question)…I just smile and tell him how smart he is and he can figure that one out.  Then, I do NOT walk away and want to cry because he did it again.  I realize that by controlling my attitude about all this jazz…I don’t lose…we come up in a draw.  And…for now…ending in a tie game with my children is something I’m thankful for!