Comments on: Getting Ready for My Gotcha Day

By: Robin

Robin — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 01:01:29 +0000

Interesting – I was just looking for a bracelet I received when I adopted my daughter when I ran across this site. The bracelet has our adoption date and the word “gotcha”. I had no idea the negative connotations out there. I thought it was lovely – but I have to admit, it never occurred to me the “gotcha” was unilateral. I felt she “got” us as much as the other way around.
Our travels started in the foster program. We picked her up at the hospital at 2 days old, and spent 2 years trying to put her birth family back together in some way. Formal adoption was yet another year down the road. We continue to have a relationship with her birth father, so maybe our we’re somewhat desensitized to this, but I like the idea of “gotcha” day. It implies togetherness. As Sonny and Cher liked to say, “I got YOU, Babe”. Not, “I OWN you, Babe”. I appreciate hearing the other perspective, and I will be more sensitive regarding this term, but I think I will continue to wear my bracelet. And at some point, I’m sure I will gift it to my daughter as well. …that is, unless she feels the same as some of these readers.

By: Deb D.

Deb D. — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 02:16:18 +0000

Never used “Gotcha” to describe the day we met our children, just always seemed odd to me.
Of course we there was the joy in meeting our children for my husband and I, but it was heavily tempered with knowledge of the immense sadness their first moms experienced. I know I will never forget the day we brought our son home, also the day his first mom was given the court’s TPR, and the first day we finally got to meet her face to face. I remember trying to assure her that we wanted her in our lives as much as we did her son, and knowing that not much I could say would make it easier for her. There have been many times since then we both go back the to the place we were that day emotionally, but I feel fortunate that we have continued to support each other and each remain firmly mothers to our son. No matter what the court papers say, she is and always will be his mother.

By: Teresa

Teresa — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 04:00:50 +0000

I get your post. As a parent by adoption, I am acutely aware that if it wasn’t for the difficult decision made by moms like you, I would not have the privelige of being a mom. When we celebrate my children’s birthdays, my thoughts and prayers always go out to four very special people to me. I am not one of those parents who believe that God mean’t them to be mine. I don’t believe that God would cause a teenager to become pregnant so I could have a baby, nor do I believe that God would cause a woman to become pregnant in China and abandon her baby because of a stupid law so that I could have a child. Rather, i believe that God can take difficult situations in this fallen world and redeem it.

By: admin

admin — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 02:45:47 +0000

Claud, this post tears me up. We have always used “adoption day” because that is just what it is…his adoption day. We didn’t “get” our boys that day we adopted them.

Your post makes me really think about what Gus’s mother must have gone through when she relinquished him. She held him the same day we arrived in Guatemala and held him. On that day his mother held him, his foster mother held him, and we held him (and he was only 8 days old). When I found that out I started crying…to have that connection to her meant the world to me. If only I could have met her…

By: The Gang's Momma

The Gang's Momma — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 23:42:10 +0000

This was a hard post to read. I am certain that most of us who use, or have used “Gotcha” have never meant to diminish or demean the other parties in the circle that is adoption. Before we left to meet our girl, I had read various posts on this topic. It was one of those conversations in my head that I never did conclude.

In a recent post noting that day, I used “Gotcha” quite liberally. I think maybe in our focus of the last year of adjusting and attaching and settling in, I just let my previous thoughts on this topic fall by the wayside. For lack of an alternative and in the crush of our busy life with five kids, I let it go. Now, I’m feeling the need to pick up the internal conversation again. It’s never been explained to me quite so well and with such respect for all parts of the dynamics.

Family Day doesn’t feel right for us because the day that we were all united (incidentally 1 year ago today!) again in our home was our Family Day. And that was almost two weeks after our girl was placed in our arms. The four older children needed to have her in their arms to know she was finally real. So, Happy Family Day to me . . .

I don’t agree that calling it Gotcha Day is always indicative of disrespect or dismissal, or of a consumer-ish mentality. I can’t speak for others, but for me it’s been about a way to express that THAT is the day that I GOT the honor of holding physically in my arms that gift that had long been consuming my heart. That THAT is the day that I GOT to give my whole self to her (she got me) and that the hubby and I GOT to start the journey in person to learning and knowing her whole heart. I’ve just learned here today that I might need to consider that there might be a better way to express that.

By: Mei-Ling

Mei-Ling — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 16:55:29 +0000

My a-parents never used “Gotcha Day.” As a child, I don’t think it would have bothered me – I was proud to be such in an important part of the family.

And then… after I started contact, I realized how dismissive it would sound to the families who LOST a member of their family.

By: Ceci

Ceci — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 20:17:56 +0000

Thank you!! for sharing your story. My husband and I were adopted by our two daughters (sisters) two years ago. They were already in grade school and had been in foster care for over three years. Our terms for their first parents are well, *first* parents. No one can ever take that away. I hope that’s logical and respectful. Thanks again for sharing your story.

By: autumnesf

autumnesf — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 03:56:55 +0000

Thank you for posting! When we were new to adoption we heard this phrase and didn’t think anything of it. The first time I heard differently from blogs by adopted people we removed it from our vocabulary. I am thankful that there are people that will let adoptive parents know what is hurtful so we can do our best to be more respectful.

By: Triona Guidry

Triona Guidry — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 20:28:33 +0000

I’m glad I was raised before celebrating Gotcha Day became such a big deal. My birthday sucks enough without adding another day to the calendar that reminds me of being adopted. And I agree, the word Gotcha makes me shudder, as if I’m something that was picked up at the grocery store (got eggs, got milk… oh, and we got you too). I feel the same way about January (my birth month) as you do about November. Coldest month of the year, always snowy and dark and miserable. I understand what you mean about it being a season.

By: Peach

Peach — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 02:28:26 +0000

(((Claude))). Thank you for writing this. As an adoptee it helps me so much to hear your words and heart.
Gotcha Day is so disrespectful, as is so much in the way adoption is done in our society.