Find My Family Finds Adoption Controversy

I  find myself really almost perplexed  by the idea people actually have issues with just the name of the dern TV show: Find My Family.  The controversy is getting allot of attention  as even the New York Times took note.

If the public overwhelmingly finds that Find My Family is an emotional tear-jerker and  filled with such wonderful stories, why do some adoptive parents find it necessary to find fault with a lovely happy ending adoption story where everything was perfect?

Find My Family Finds Adoptions Happy Happy Spot

I mean, if we look at the general responses of people; the show makes people think adoption is so lovely and heartwarming.  Doesn’t that help in reinforcing how wonderful adoption can be? If  we take the show on the same level that it represents itself on, then this view of adoption is the kool aid drinking, rainbow farting adoption bedtime story.  Really it was like the perfect adoption reunion three act play written to make adoption come out clean.

The adoption professionals such as  the National Council for Adoption, fully committed to the  promotion of a well executed adoption plan, should like stories and media sensationalism that help give the common folk that warm and fuzzy adoption feeling. After all, that promotes adoption, right?  Look at all the happy endings!

So far, I admit, I could only make myself watch the first pilot episode. Besides making me burst into tears, the story of the Steinpas Family on the first episode of Find My Family did read perfect. They surrendered for all the” right reasons”, went on to be “happy”, the adoptee was happy too, blah blah, if you don’t know what I mean, then watch it.  Everyone said the right things.

No Obvious Put Down to Adoptive Parents

Perfectly written in all 360 degrees of adoption.  Adoptive parents were played out in a glowing positive light. I can’t make myself watch it again to pull out the quotes, so you’ll have to take my word on it I just fail to see why it is truly that horrible to adoptive parents to watch the show. Why be up in arms? How does the implied choice of name “Find My Family” imply a devaluation of the adoptive family?

And we begin, again, the debate of what family is in adoption.

“What About the Adoptive Parents?”

While perhaps this particular show emphasis the search and reunion aspect of adoption and the foundling relationship between families separated by adoption; there have been and are other adoption shows that merely concentrate on the adoptive parents journey and feelings during an adoption.  I don’t know how sympathetic I feel that the adoptive parents in the families were only side bars in the show.  I guess I have been the forgotten part of the triad for too long  to feel that pull at my heartstrings.

Does it always have to be about you?  Can we say narcissistic much? I’m not trying to be mean, but let’s remember that adoption is suppose to be child centered and based on the best met needs of the adoptee.  You can ignore the fact that many adoptees really feel the need to know their whole truths, but no one can guarantee that your child won’t be among those who feel that way no matter how perfect you parent. I know I have heard too many adult adoptees say that their adoptive parents were fabulous and they love them to pieces and wouldn’t trade their lives in for the world, but still, they just have to find out something.

“My Children are with their REAL Family”

I have seen this said quite a few times. Oh, adoptive parent; do you not see that you are choosing to inject the word “real” into the mix?  I don’t understand why you even hear that word?  How is one family more real than another? Both the adoptive family and the family of birth are real walking talking feeling human beings.  The reality of adoption is, no matter how you slice it and what the final happy ( or not so happy) ending is, that a child has two families.  I am not saying that to devalue your parenting through adoption either , but by bringing in the word “real”, you are  doing exactly what you accuse ABC of doing; making one of the families “un-real”.

Find My “REAL” Family

By adding the quantifier ‘real’ you are now creating a situation where if one kind of family is “real” then the other must by default be “fake”; therefore there will be a winner and a loser in adoption rather than the act of love that you claim it can be.  How can you desire to participate in this emotional loss? Why make it a losing situation for someone?

“How can I Explain the Show to my Adopted Children?”

How can you not? How can you not take this chance to open up the doors of communication regarding adoption issues? ABC just made that aspect of your parenting that much easier!  If you are so deeply offended by the show, then how is it that you think your children will feel that they can openly speak to you about adoption should they every remotely have these feelings to search and know? Unless you have an Oscar on your mantel, I am betting that your acting is not as good as you might think and whether subtly or unconsciously, you child will pick up on the fact that you don’t like this kind of discussion.  Use the show as  practice with your own adoptee. Take out those emotions and feelings in a safe non threatening way and explore them together. Give your adopted child the change to think about what it means to be an adult adoptee because no matter what you want to believe that’s what they are.

Can you not see the connections? Clearly as an adoptive parent, I assume, you feel that your children are where they are meant to be in your life.  How is it then, that the thought of your children finding their own roots be that offensive.  Unconditional love is a major component of parenting on any level. Every human being deserves and yearns to be accepted and loved for all that they are especially by their families. The adoption is part of what made your child who he or she truly is. Her biologically background also plays a major part just as your daily love and caring does.  Yet, the adoptee knows that thier life began with another source and the desire to know and connect with their beginnings is often a natural and unavoidable feeling.  Can you, as parents, not accept that in your own child? Can you not see that by rejecting the reality of the other family, that you are rejecting part of your child as well?

As a mother of an adopted child and someone who believes 100% in the  civil rights of adult adoptees to have what all US citizen have; I cannot see how any other parent of an adopted person could not support that Find My Family can help adoptees understand and accept themselves.

Adoption can be a very isolating event that greatly colors many aspects of one’s live no matter how one participates. We owe it to each other to examine and process all our feelings in the healthiest manner possible so we can better support our children as they mitigate though the  world.  For all involved in adoption, I would like to think that we can see though the scripted settings and emotional pulls to find the positive value to a show that brings adoption into the eyes and minds of the public and can open up and demystify so many of the secrets we still carry.

Anger Driven by Fear

Like I say with many things adoption related; if you find yourself really angered by something, then that’s the thing that you need to work on the most.  If you find yourself as an adoptive parent, really upset by biologically families reuniting, then I would advise that you take out those feelings and figure out what they stem from before they trip you up.

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Claudia’s Inital Reaction  can be found on her blog  where she writes from a birthmother’s perspective regading Find My Family