Adoption entered our lives in a very personal way five years ago this month. Five years ago, my husband and I walked out of our RE’s office for the last time. He had handed us a huge packet of information, outlining the procedures he recommended to give us the best chance at reproducing. We had talked with him for a good long while, and when we left, I knew we weren’t going to return. I knew we weren’t going down that road.

After we knew what we weren’t going to do, we explored what we were going to do. We had always planned on children in our marriage, we just now needed to figure out how that was going to happen.  When we attended the informational session for the agency we eventually worked through, things felt right. As we filled out paper work and prepared for our home study, I did have doubts, and I did feel, for lack of a better word, guilt.

Guilt? Guilt in becoming a parent?

I remember as we were filling out a particular form, the form that states what you are willing to consider in a match—alcohol use by mother, alcohol use by father, cases of rape, cases of incest, etc. As we were filling this form out, I was hit with a realization—we were only going to become parents because something bad was happening somewhere in the world. Something bad was happening either before, during or after the conception of a child. Something so bad that the mother carrying this child didn’t feel like she could parent said child. Oh my-what were we getting ourselves into?!?! I started to feel this guilt-why was I equipped with the desire and the resources to parent, and not someone else? Why did I think I was so privileged as to “pick” my child? Just who did I think I was, anyway?

And then, as always, my husband talked me off the edge. Those babies? Are going to be born whether we are home studied approved or not. Those mothers? Some of them will place for adoption whether we are home studied approved or not.  Those bad things happening? Bad things have happened since the beginning of time. We had the intense desire and the ability to parent a child.  Surely that could counterbalance some of the bad things in this world.

So we filled out that form, and countless others. And in a few months time, we were matched, and eventually had a successful placement. We were matched with an expectant couple whose journey in adoption started at almost the same time as ours. And now we are in this journey together.

Michelle is the adoptive mama to two children. She writes about their everyday adventures at Gotchababy.