I was disheartened that an anonymous person felt compelled to contact me via e-mail to inform me that encouraging women to parent who might otherwise choose relinquishment means that I must want more children to suffer or even die. This infers, of course, that there are only two possible outcomes for the children of these women: the (good) outcome, adoption, which always equals a happy, cherished child, and the (bad) alternative, being parented by the person who bore them, which will invariably end in abuse, neglect and/or death. I felt it was important to address this issue, since I’m sure “A Concerned Mom” was hardly alone in this belief. First off, I have never indicated that it was better for children to be abused than adopted, or to die rather than be adopted. No one is saying abuse is good or starving is good or homelessness is good.

What I take issue with is the underlying assumption that a woman who has considered adoption, even briefly, but who ultimately decides to parent her child, is automatically a less capable mother, one worthy of extra suspicion. Because she’s young, poor, a woman of color, less educated, single, or any combination of factors outside the approval level of the more privileged majority, she is instantly deemed more likely to abuse or neglect her kid. Let’s get something out of the way here; we all know that there are people out there who should not be given the care of a house plant, let alone a child. Unfortunately, people who abuse and neglect children just don’t come with a sign attached saying, “Hello. I am dangerous. I hurt small things. Please don’t leave me alone with a child.” There are married, well-to-do parents who abuse their kids, and there are single, poor parents who cherish their kids. Basing the possibility for abuse on a family’s socioeconomic status and little else is dangerous territory. I mean, factor in divorce statistics, the crumbling economy, and the unemployment rate, and pretty soon the only people who seem “qualified” to parent are Bill Gates and Oprah. While some women need extra support and resources to be the best parents they can be, we need to stop equating “young mom who needs WIC and some help with job skills training” with “probable child abuser”.

Similarly, proponents of the idea that young, single, poor women who parent instead of placing are incapable of doing anything but being a millstone around the neck of society also like to wave the flag of “babies thrown in dumpsters” a lot. They will loudly proclaim to anyone who will listen that by encouraging women to keep their children with them, rather than depositing same in the arms of the nearest set of married people who passed a home study, we will soon see an alarming rise in the number of newborns and babies killed. As far as I can tell, mothers who murder their children or abandon them to die are not the kind of women who would otherwise be making adoption plans. I am not a psychiatric expert, so I don’t know what the women who commit such acts suffer from, but I’m willing to wager a hefty sum that it’s NOT a case of “I didn’t listen to the concerned adoption agency worker who wanted me to pick this amazing family for my baby because some lady on the Internet told me I should try to parent. But it got too noisy with all that crying, so I just killed the baby instead.”

Certainly, there are women who are unwilling or unable to parent among the ranks of first mothers. I understand that there are tragic stories of children who are relinquished voluntarily whose mothers would not be able to parent them safely, such as active addicts with no intention to stop using and enter treatment. No, I don’t think that children should be left in those situations. Nevertheless, not every mother who considers adoption is doing those things. You can’t just say, “Well, if even one woman who places her child does drugs and would let her baby sit in filth so she can get high, it stands to reason that ANY expectant mother who visits an adoption agency is hell-bent on doing the same thing.” Not only is that not comparing apples to apples, it’s not even comparing apples to oranges anymore. It’s like comparing apples to donkeys. It’s nonsensical. But it happens to expectant moms considering adoption or moms who have placed all the time, regardless of their actual circumstances or abilities.

Furthermore, there are a great many of us who are maybe one or two catastrophic events away from being in a serious financial bind, including adoptive families, particularly in the economic climate of today. Let’s examine one possible scenario. Maybe your spouse dies with no life insurance even though you thought the policy was current, leaving you scrambling to get a job that pays enough to support you all. If you’ve been out of the workforce for a few years, and you’re in a state that’s been hit hard by unemployment, good luck with that. Assuming you find a decent job, now you’ve also got to worry about daycare, the mortgage, insurance, groceries, household bills, and everything else on one income. Your parents are far away, and have their own woes, so they can’t help you out much.

You do the best you can for a while, but you’re losing ground every month. Finally, when it’s time to buy school supplies and clothes, you realize you don’t have a single dime to spare.

Nothing.

Unfortunately, it’s your kids who are suffering, so of course, the first thing you do is head in to the local adoption agency. Your kids deserve a family that can provide a better lifestyle, and two stable, married parents. What’s that? No, adoption would never cross your mind? But you are struggling to feed and clothe them! You are three months behind on the mortgage! Don’t your kids deserve better?

Wait, you’re right. That does seem a tad extreme.

Maybe the sensible thing to do is to look for all the help you can get until you’re able to get back on your feet again. So you apply for assistance programs. You still struggle a bit, maybe even for a few years, but things slowly improve. And nobody ever suggests that you’re probably going to abuse your kids or you’re a bad parent because you don’t have a spouse anymore, and you have to work and the kids are in daycare and money is tight. Yet the majority of agencies are fully comfortable suggesting to 99.9% of pregnant women who visit or call them that their babies are far better off being adopted merely because the mothers are currently in similar circumstances as the ones I described above. It’s presented as a choice, but when only adoption is ever discussed in any depth and praised as loving, sensible, unselfish, and desirable…it’s not much of one, really. It’s like being asked to choose between being shot in the face or shot in the foot. Sure, you get a choice, but wouldn’t it be better not to get shot? Only “not being shot” mysteriously isn’t on the list of options. Then, when the women who buy the cleverly marketed party line and DO relinquish their children dare to express remorse or anger, they are often hit with the reverse myth, “You obviously didn’t want your baby, or you would have tried harder! You would have found a way!” Wait. What? First we were loving and unselfish, now we’re unloving and selfish? It’s not win-win-win; it’s no-win.

So, I’m proposing something that may seem radical here: the women who approach adoption determined to make the right choices for their child are the SAME women who would be determined to make the right choices while parenting that child; in most cases if they had just a little support and encouragement. Except that’s not the message they’re getting. These women trust the ideals they are reminded of constantly by agencies and lawyers; that they are doing the best thing for their child by giving them up; that their own lives will move on and they will suffer no lasting ill effects, and in fact, will probably be better people for it. Unfortunately, these same women often find that they can barely get up in the morning, let alone live this fulfilling life they were supposed to have, unencumbered by that bothersome infant. The reality is, adoption doesn’t create a magical life where everything is suddenly all better for first moms. Their lives aren’t really richer for the experience; how can it be wonderful to be separate from your child? We need to start critically examining the standards by which a woman is deemed “unfit” or even “less fit”, and exploring ways individual women can parent FIRST, with adoption as a final back-up plan.

Honestly, I’m not here to debate whether there is loss in adoption, or whether adoption is sometimes the best available choice for a particular child, or whether most adoptive parents love their children, or whether most first parents love their children, or whether adoptees’ individual experiences with adoption, be they good, bad, or somewhere in between, are valid. All of those things are true, in my experience. The point I’m making is that there are still far too many women who are fully capable of parenting (and being amazingly good at it) who are being divested of their babies under the heavy burdens of guilt, shame, and lies (either outright or by omission), and that is a tragedy – one all of us who have been impacted by adoption should feel compelled to speak out against.

*For the purposes of this post, I am speaking specifically about domestic infant adoption where the mother’s relinquishment is at least presented as voluntary.

Coco Rogers lets her blog languish most shamefully these days over at Mommyhood and Life.

I really did read all the books I was supposed to before completing an older child adoption. Everything about attachment, ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), ADHD, basic parenting…parenting a hurt child, a child with no conscience…basically a litany of marching literary soldiers telling me how hard this would be. Yet, I believed none of it. Now that we are living with attachment disorder (along with ADHD, GAD-generalized anxiety disorder and what I firmly believe is bi-polar), I’m re-reading many of these books.

This time around they make so much sense and the information is critical in my mind. I don’t know how you can fix this issue, because I know I’m not the only one…how do you make something relevant for someone who has no idea they’ll need the information. Ahh…takes me back to college. I didn’t care so much for Latin American studies, because I figured beyond on occasional umbrella drink on the shores, I wouldn’t need to know that stuff! True that I’m not an ambassador, but I am more into world events and it stinks to know nothing about that region after my parents paid for me to learn it!
I’m trying to take in so much info and reading more than one book at a time…that can become a problem. My information is getting mixed up – but I must say the overlying theme is the same. Attachment disorder sucks. Yes-sir-ree. There are different levels of suck…but it’s there. In Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory C. Keck and Regina Kupecky – they mention that the child feels that for them to win, a parent must lose and vice versa. I read that and thought “ummm…yes….that is how I often feel”…the next paragraph told me I wasn’t alone. But, how do you change that thinking?
After you wake up 1,000s of days and hope that today is the day that your children will love you…and it’s not…it all starts to build up. It’s not that I’ve turned against my kids – but I often feel more like a sandbox warrior posed for the next threat than a mom. Then I realize I’m letting their illness win. I need to show them that I can ‘win’ and they can still be safe. I have to be better at choosing the battles I MUST win. The same rules apply here as Love and Logic (by Jim Fay and Foster Cline).
1. Avoid control battles whenever you can.
2. Choose your battles carefully.
3. WIN the ones you take on.
Everytime I may something a battle and then lose – I’m proving to them that I’m not strong enough. I’m reinforcing their belief that I can’t take care of them. I don’t lose a lot…but I’m really terrible at choosing the right battles! Everything in my house becomes one…and I’m the general of the army putting all of myself at risk everytime.
You loaded the bowl on the wrong shelf…bam, boom, jump in the foxhole!
You stole from a backpack at school…troops dismount and attack!
You still haven’t done a chore correctly on day 3…look out, here I come on my dark horse!
You spit in my face…whoa, Nellie…the war has begun!
Some of those things are quite a worthy hill to die on…others are not. As a hurt parent dealing with a hurt child – I often seem to create the same ’security threat level’ for many of these things, because everything feels the same…it all feels like the tornado alarm is ringing and I have to hide in the basement. There aren’t a lot of levels to this feeling when it comes at you 100 times each day!
So, as I feel myself being pulled into the mud pit…I know that I’m losing and most days (most moments), I can pull myself out and start again. I’m doing better and if you though you were reading about someone who is an expert – NOPE…please buy the books I’ve mentioned which are written by actual experts. I’m just a mom fighting hard to heal her kids and learning a lot along the way!
Voni still blogs, even when she’s muddy, at http://www.kretzklan.blogspot.com/

So, I’ll share some good things.

My daughter is doing SO WELL lately.  She is maturing both physically and mentally – but maybe most importantly, I see growth emotionally.  Little things that I though may not ever happen are happening as we speak.  She’s noticing what other people do in ‘normal life’ and deciding that walking that line wouldn’t be a terrible thing.  She’s making friends – actual friends that invite her over to their house and want to come to our house as well.  She’s taking care of herself.  She’s working hard at her passion – cheerleading – and succeeding in such a wonderful way.

I see her being proud of herself…and that is a huge stride.  We are able to tell her that she is doing great and she believes us…she doesn’t sabotage it so quickly.  She wants to do things that other girls her age want to do, she wants to wear things that they want to wear, she wants to step up and be like them.  I know that many of you are thinking “WHY would you want her to look to others?”.  Well…when you’ve lived with a child that is so incredibly different and it’s not a positive different…you ache for her.

I’ve ached for my daughter.

I wanted her to fit in.  Does anyone want their child to stick out?  Does anyone want their child to be shunned?

We shopped today for the ‘transition to winter’ clothes.  We had fun together.  It’s a little victory that I’ve been looking forward to for years.  Every time we do something together and just have fun – it’s lovely.

So, I’m looking back now at positive things in her life…and I’m allowing myself to look forward to even more wonderous part of this journey.  The journey of being her mom…what a gift!

Copyright 2008-2010, Grown in My Heart. All Rights Reserved

See we didn’t just call and say we would like to be foster parents, we called and said sign us up for this foster parent program – Adolescent Mother’s Resource Homes. We signed up to foster a teen mother and her baby, to teach her how to be a good mom, help HER raise her baby, help HER stay in school, help the baby thrive and grow with lots of people to love that baby! We signed up to take on not one but two foster kids, we signed up to take on a teen and a baby but more than that we signed up to do what is right for us.

If you go back and read some of what I have wrote about adoption on my blog, I say over and over again and again that adoption should not be because a mom sees no other option, has no one to help her and support her as she tries to do what is right by her and her baby. Adoption is not about what is right for us, the adoptive parents who would give our right arms (and legs) to be parents but about what is in the best interest of the child even if that is not what is in my best interest, even if that is the hardest thing I have ever done myself. If with just a little bit of help from me a child can not only survive but thrive with his/her mother (and maybe father) and we can help make sure that happens, then shouldn’t we?

Aaron and I read about this program, looked at each other and knew there would be no more foster to adopt plans, heck there may never be adoption plans again. We knew this is what 22 months of talking before the twins came home had led us to, what those late nights talking to Claudia at BlogHer and my own experience with my college roommate had been leading us to, a chance to help one mother and one baby at a time. No I am probably not going to change the world or even the face of adoption, and yeah it will be hard at times probably a lot at first, but will it be worth it in the end to see a family that may not have had a chance before have one now, you bet!

Carissa has been a bit MIA over at My Everyday Miracles lately but she is trying to get back up to speed!

Task force investigates procedure to obtain count of Oklahoma adoptions

Read more: http://www.newsok.com/task-force-investigates-procedure-to-obtain-count-of-oklahoma-adoptions/article/3487746?custom_click=headlines_widget#ixzz0xcSHfWXi

Yep, that’s right, a task force has been appointed in Oklahoma to count adoptions. This means they don’t know how many adoptions take place in the state every year. Think about that for a moment.

Oklahoma needs a centralized way to report the number of adoptions taking place in the state, a task force examining the state’s adoption laws says.

The task force met on Friday and discussed how to get an accurate count on the number of children being adopted in the state.

At least they have recognized there is a problem here. The state of Oklahoma keeps records of how many people obtain drivers licenses and are plumbers, but not adoptions. Having done a bit of my own birth family search in Oklahoma, I know they also keep excellent record of cases in their courts. I was able to locate my first family partially due to the fact that they had speeding tickets and divorces in the state of Oklahoma. They keep good property records too. There is a picture of my brother’s house complete with purchase price, on a county assessor’s website. But if I had thought to ask about how many children had been adopted in any given year, they wouldn’t be able to tell me.

“You would think it’s a no-brainer,” said Sen. Steve Russell, co-chairman of the adoption review task force. “DHS (Department of Human Services) knows how many adoptions they’re doing. The charities know how many they’re doing. It’s out there. The question is how to get it to vital statistics.”

Members of the task force talked about having DHS compile the information from private agencies and attorneys who handle adoptions.

No brainer? Ya think? Here’s a suggestion Steve-O, you might try family court records. It’s not like they just hand the kid’s out every other Thursday, unless it’s a state hoiliday. How about tax records? Surely those charities have to keep track of those fees somehow. Seems to me there would be all sorts of sources of this information.

Mary Lee Ingram, director of pregnancy and adoption services for Catholic Charities and a member of the children’s subcommittee presented the group with proposed survey that could be included in the sealed adoption record.

The questionnaire would include the child’s birth date, ethnicity of the child, information about the type of adoption and the child’s country of origin. It would not include the child’s name or parents’ names.

Good thinking there Mary, how long did it take you to come up with that? Just one question. If the record is sealed, why not include the names? It’s not like anyone is ever going to see it, right?

“We’ve identified that the information is being collected, but who should we be sending it to?” said Russell, R-Oklahoma City. “That’s the question we’ve got to answer.”

Um, how about the same place that you are keeping track of the other adoptions? The Department of Vital Statistics, maybe? I can probably get you an address.

The task force was created to come up with recommendations on how to improve the state’s laws on adoptions and adoption fee disclosures. The task force must issue a report by the end of the year.

But they have no idea where to send the report.

We are re-branding, reformatting the site, and getting ready to launch ADOPTCON.

Dave and Kathy Bain are a big-hearted married couple who have adopted not just one or two foster children, but have adopted 13 children! Many of these children come from broken homes and terrible pasts.

What did I like about the show?

It was real. And it was about adoption. It wasn’t about raising a big family which a lot of bloggers/websites are raving about. It was about dealing with adoption issues, trauma, abuse, attachment. It showed the real issues dealing with a family of eight joining an existing “mixed” family. It showed Kathy and Dave using holding time during a meltdown (not used during any other attachment therapy but to make him feel safe and loved because of previous neglect trauma).

They were good parents. They didn’t ignore conflict, yell, or belittle their children.

They were a good couple and they worked together.

The children worked together, did chores, and seemed to help the one (more) special needs child.

There was organization in a house that could have been chaotic.

What did I not like?

Kathy was a little annoying.

Some of the organization bothered me. ie: why don’t the kids have assigned seats in the car?

With 13 kids there should be more of an assembly line for lunches, but you don’t need to line up by height for ice cream.

And seriously? How do they do it?

Past Airings:
Monday, August 23 @ 11pm/10C
Tuesday, August 24 @ 3am/2C

Parenting children who have been adopted requires that parents step up their “game,” helping their kids confront and cope with possible loss, grief, rejection, control, and identity issues. Parenting transracially (roughly 73% of adoptive parents) is an additional “layer” of parenting. Parents have to step out of their comfort level because they are most likely functioning in an area where they have little to no life experience (this is true for me).

My three younger kids are Asian and Hispanic. When my kids are not with me, they do not fall under my protective “white umbrella.” Painful and all too true.  It is imperative that I (and my husband) prepare my kids. That I (we) help them to understand that they are subject to stereotyping, discrimination and racism because of their races. That I (we) empower them with confidence and tools to deal with any derogative comments and treatment. Not so easy for a white parents to do since we often have not had stereotyping, discrimination and racism directed at us.

While I’ve never personally experienced racism, I’ve seen enough of it, in the U.S. and during my travels in China, Guatemala, Italy, Mexico, England, Morocco, France, etc. Racism and discrimination exist everywhere. Granted, seeing racism and discrimination isn’t the same as being the target of or feeling it. I am on the outside looking in, trying with every motherly and compassionate cell within me to help my children.

Saying that addressing racism is uncomfortable is a major understatement. I have had racism and stereotyping directed at my children while they are with me, some veiled and some not so veiled. I have been extremely uncomfortable and, yep, sometimes pissed. But I have calmly addressed each incident head-on (okay, except for the State Department of Health nurse who spewed some nasty insinuations when my son was diagnosed with TB at the age of two, but I digress) as appropriate.

Modeling how to respond is important (my son doesn’t remember the TB incident, not my finest moment). Kids take their cues from their parents. My kids are identifying and addressing stereotyping, discrimination and racism, with good success. I know because we talk. And I “pry” and we talk. And I “pry.” And the conversation becomes easier, like sex talks…

My oldest son experienced an incident this past spring that magnified the importance of me teaching my kids to accept, embrace, and be aware of what can result from them being who they are—Hispanic male, Asian females. My oldest was admittedly speeding, late to a soccer game on a Sunday morning. He was pulled over by patrol that very carefully monitors the mile of interstate that falls within their jurisdiction. Four squad cars surrounded him within seconds of stopping. One car was a canine unit. Yes. They went through his car with the dog. The dog didn’t find anything, but my son, dressed for his match, complete with cleats, was shaken to his core on this particular Sunday morning.

My seventeen year-old asked me later, “Mom, what if I was like G? What if I was Hispanic? What would they have done to me?” G is his brother, my eight year-old Guatemalan son.

Yes, indeed. What if?

My mind flew back to a beating I witnessed in the breezeway of a municipal building I interned in when I was in grad school. A squad car had pulled in with their passenger. Upon opening the back door of the car, the black man rose up and then tumbled over. (I would imagine that it was extremely difficult to hold your balance if your hands were cuffed behind your back and you were hobbled like a mare to ready to be bred.) The clubs came out and the policemen proceeded to work him over. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Was it happening because he was black? (The officers were white.) Because he had fallen over? Or because of something that happened earlier? Regardless, the beating was inexcusable. I reported the incident, but never heard if action was taken. The police that I worked with had their special “fraternity.”

What if? What if it had been my Guatemalan son who was pulled over by the white police on that Sunday morning? Would they have handcuffed him and put him into the back of a patrol car, taking him to the county lock-up? (My oldest was well over the speed limit…) Would they have made assumptions based on his ethnic features and the color of his skin? Would my passionate and hot-tempered boy be able to hold his tongue, like his older brother had, with a smart-mouthed officer who goaded him? I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I wonder about this.

If you aren’t already, I encourage you to educate yourself  about parenting transracially.  Keep up your continuing education, even when you tire of it. Read blogs written by transracial adoptees. Yes, they can be uncomfortable and painful. But they’re real and raw and you need to hear what they have to say, because you need to think about your child as a non-white person. Because he or she is. And you need to help your child be comfortable with who he or she is and well-armed for the racists, bigots and dumb-dumbs.

Speak to other parents who parent transracially. Talk to your friends who aren’t white and ask questions. Educate yourself so that you can educate your child.

Judy writes essays and articles for adoption and parenting magazines. Her stories are included in A Cup of Comfort for Adoptive Families: Stories That Celebrate a Special Gift of Love (Adams Media), Pieces of Me: Who Do I Want to Be? (EMK Press) and Chicken Soup for the Soul: Thanks Mom (Chicken Soup for the Soul). She presented for “Finding Our Stories Online” at the Stories from the Heart. Judy is an adoption educator and coach. You can find out more about and register for her classes at Parenting Your Adopted Child: Tweens, Teens & Beyond.

This is my understanding of how the adoption process works at this time! I cannot promise that things will not change as we go but this is my current understanding! The easiest way to describe this process is in our own three stages of “pregnancy” (1) the paper chase (2) the wait and (3) travel and child (or children we hope!). The problem with this “pregnancy” is it might be more similar to the gestation period of an elephant, but worth the wait!

Today I will talk about the paperchase. Well this part starts when you send in your application to your agency, after that step is completed you start your homestudy and the USCIS paperwork and then after all that you have a dossier (except for a few countries where no dossier is required, Korea is one of them)! Do all these words sound a bit foreign to you, they did to us as well but at our first meeting with our social worker we came armed with this major list of questions (she assured us we were normal – everyone comes with a list)! So here is what we know:

Homestudy: This is where a social worker interviews you to see if you are “normal” and can handle all of the things that come with parenthood and in our case an inter-racial family! We provide her (in our case it is a her it could also be a him) with a VERY LONG narrative that answers all these questions including about our intimate life! And then we have to be fingerprinted (at least four times); checked out by a doctor; letters from our employers; copies of birth certificates, taxes and marriage licenses; a list of our financial resources (important for us as they have to be able to see we can take care of two children); a copy of who we will leave our children in the care of if something would happen to us; background checks; oh yeah don’t let me forget our furry “children”, we have to have proof that they have all of their vaccanations; and finally we have to take classes to show that we understand what will happen and how to bond with our children not to mention how to keep their culture alive in them! There is a reason this process takes what seems like forever! During this process we meet with a social worker, once as a couple and once each of us alone and then she will visit our house to check it out! Any questions? I know we had a ton!