I came across this photo this afternoon and it stopped me in my tracks. It was in my most used photo folder on my desktop but I had passed it by so many times lately. Today I stopped and looked. He didn’t look like the same kid. So much so that I spent 30 minutes looking for a picture to prove that our representative in Russia had sent us a picture of the right child.

Of course, I knew it was him…his number was 4 and he has the same gnawed fingernails and scar on his eyebrow. But, he just seemed so peaceful, so content, so NOT my AJ.

But as I started looking through pictures that is all I found…peace. In every photo of him I see a happy child. I see Sasha, the orphan who is not really an orphan I see my son. He is content, delightful, witty, goofy, and fun.

And they say a picture tells a thousand words.

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Packing Essentials for Internatinal Trips

For the Babes or older children (this list is dependent on age but is geared for 0-3):

Child Clothing: Outfits in several sizes…don’t count on measurements being correct. In Russia measurements were not correct. At this point I don’t know if measurements are correct or not because I was there when they took them and they were, obviously, correct. Ere on the larger side if you don’t want to take several sizes and hit the garage sales!

On the first trip take clothing that is about the same size and leave several other items for the foster mom (or in future case, the orphanage).  Additionally, take items such as toys and small gifts for them as well.

I highly suggest taking a sling for the little ones (Try http://BabyLoveSlings.com or for the older ones, try a The BabyWearer to get an idea on which one might work best. A stroller is also handy for moving about but the slings/hammocks are essential for airport use when a stroller can be checked and stowed away. We opted to use a stroller bag and check ours when we came home from Russia and it allowed us some freedom in the airport. AJ was in the Hip Hammock and Eric carried the backpack and carry-on.

Baby Food: Bibs, Playtex bottles and disposable liners, nipples that match the age/developmental age of your child, pacifiers, something to chew on if needed, (in Guatemala you should purchase the formula in country),

Toddler Food: rice cereal, baby food, Cherrios, graham crackers, teddy grahams, oatmeal, baby gold fish, gerber fruit snacks, etc.), 2 disposable sippy cups and disposable bowls, disposable spoons and forks, disposable bibs, formula dispenser and previously stated bottles, as many are still on formula and is used as a supplement.

Misc.: Diaper bags with scented powder (this is essential in a hotel room if the child has bacterial infections), disposable changing pads for travel, formula dispenser, snack caddy, travel toys, pictures of family and foster mom, baby shampoo (chose the most gentle and non-toxic to avoid allergic reactions), alcohol swabs and band-aides, neosporin, toothbrush and toothpaste, bottle brush,  Dawn dish pads (these are disposable and travel wipes that are activated with water), Huggies washclothes, hairbrush, nailclippers, Benedryl for the plane (controversial but in my opinion, a must), A blanket to leave with the foster mom (trip one), disposable cameras to leave with the foster mom (trip one),

Clothing: Booties or socks, Hat for the sun or infant hat to keep the warmth in (depends on the age of your child), Warm blanket and receiving blankets for swaddling, clothing (onesies, sleepers, warm clothing, burp cloths, shirts, pants, etc. Bring more than you anticipate them wearing and put several outfits in Ziploc bags for the plane ride home (shirt, pants, socks, diaper, wipes, and disposable changing pad). Place these in your carry- on for easy access. When you need to run for a diaper change all you will need to do is grab the Ziploc, kiddo, and go. This was super handy for us because AJ actually soiled several outfits while on our trip home from Russia. We had three Ziplocs handy and he went through all three.

For Mom and Dad:

Sandles, tennis shoes, 2 pairs of pants: khakis and yoga pants, one pair of jeans (although it is not customary to wear them. I wore khaki cords), pajamas, t-shirts, long sleeved shirts, sweater, jacket, undies, and socks. It is customary to dress nicely and present yourself well. Wear makeup, do your hair nicely, and basically present yourself well. Foster mothers want to see the children going to good homes and people who take care of themselves will most likely take care of their children. (However, don’t go down there being flashy because that is not welcomed either.)

Misc: Antibiotics, Tylenol, prescription meds, entertainment, books, toys, etc.

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Recreate the fabulous and spiritual carpets created for Holy Week Processions at Crayola.

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How did you and your husband first become involved with adoption? And what drove your decisions to adopt from the different countries you did?  It seems like many people adopt from the same place more than once… so I’m curious about your story!
Although Mark (my hubby) and I had discussed adoption before we ever married, we didn’t realize that adoption would become part of our family planning until we experienced secondary infertility and lost a baby. Simply put, we adopted for selfish reasons—we wanted a larger family (4-5 kids).

I began to research agencies that dealt in international adoption after running into roadblocks to adopt domestically (we wanted to adopt transracially and were firmly discouraged by agencies we spoke with). After doing spreadsheets on seventy agencies (no typo), I continued to feel drawn to China, but not to any specific agency. As fate would have it we received a packet from an agency in Portland, OR and I knew they were our agency. After contacting references I got the paperwork going. Josi arrived home nine months after our DOD. Within six months of Josi arriving home, my inner voice began to pester me nonstop. I lost sleep and pushed Mark to adopt another child from China. Financially, it was not the best time but I felt we needed to pull a new dossier together quickly. Aubry arrived home fifteen months later with special needs (sensory integration disorder and RAD). And then, we thought we might be done.

Now we say, “Never say never.” As I wrote in my essay “Souls Speak,” featured in A Cup of Comfort for Adoptive Families: Stories That Celebrate a Special Gift of Love, Greyson came to me in “wispy dreams of yearning.” I was drawn to Guatemala because Greyson “let” us know he was there—his soul spoke to mine. His soul also spoke to his brother, Holden. I know, I know…unbelievable. Well, it would be if only it weren’t true. Greyson arrived home twelve months later.

Can you tell me about the first time you were touched by adoption?
Mark knew an attorney that was waiting on a referral and asked if I would be interested in meeting him and his family. Was he kidding? Of course! They came over for dinner (pasta and salad), about three days later, with their son, who they had adopted from South Korea. I spent most of my time peppering them with questions, drooling over their son and bouncing mine on my knee. I began to sob when they shared the referral picture of their daughter. I was overcome, as was Mark. And so our first adoption began…

What do you find to be most rewarding about raising a multi-cultural and multi-racial family? Most challenging?
The most rewarding thing about raising a multi-cultural and multi-racial family is how we have impacted each other, how we have enriched each other’s lives. We have become more open and my kids are citizens of the world with a depth of compassion, empathy and appreciation for others. The most challenging is dealing with non-adoptive parents who ask prying questions or treat Mark and I like we’re some kind of saints for adopting, inferring that we saved our children and they should be grateful. Ugh!!!!!

What has becoming an adoptive mom taught you about yourself?
Being an adoptive mom has taught me that parenting is a privilege. Parenting a child is sacred, regardless of how they joined me. I have learned that parenting is not adoptive parenting. Adoptive parenting is adoptive parenting, requiring other tools to address the issues inherent in adoption. Becoming an adoptive parent has taught me that I need to be an invested parent and being a transracially adoptive parent underscores that even more. I have learned how to be a powerful and balanced advocate for adoption.  I have found that I am capable of a love so profound it brings me to my knees. I am humbled by my children—all of them.

If you could tell a first time momma one last little piece of wisdom right before she hops on the plane to pick up her long-awaited child, what would it be?
Breathe and listen to your inner voice. Trust yourself and let your child lead.

How did you get involved in mentoring and counseling other adoptive families?
It just happened. I’ve been told I’m very approachable. I LOVE talking to other adoptive and prospective adoptive parents. We are a tribe and as such we can share our experiences. We walk in each other’s shoes.

What prompted you to create a class on parenting adopted children?
I was moved to create Parenting Your Adopted Child: Tweens, Teens & Beyond for several reasons, but the main reason was that many parenting classes target waiting parents or parents who have recently adopted infants and young children.  There are few classes for adoptive parents of kids entering tweens and teens.

I created Parenting Your Adopted Child: Tweens, Teens & Beyond because I observed the hunger adoptive parents have to connect and share with other adoptive parents. I know from personal experience that this hunger to connect with other adoptive parents never goes away and is especially needed when parenting is most challenging—before and during adolescence.

I also found that as I became a more experienced adoptive parent, I had countless requests for my “expertise” for over a decade and fell into a mentoring role for other adoptive parents and parents beginning the adoption process. I believe we glean the most from our own tribe, from collective experiences as adoptive parents, adoptees, and birth parents. Parenting Your Adopted Child: Tweens, Teens & Beyond was created in this spirit.

Why teens and tweens? Why not parenting young adopted children or school-age adopted children?
Issues inherent in adoption typically begin to surface when the child realizes they are becoming independent from their parents. Questions many parents assumed had been addressed when their child was younger often resurface. Most adoptive parents aren’t aware of this or prepared for it. Parenting Your Adopted Child: Tweens, Teens & Beyond is a class that helps the adoptive parent navigate these parental challenges, which are compounded by the complexities of adoption. I often say that parenting is not adoptive parenting. Parenting adopted children is adoptive parenting—more is required of the adoptive parent in parenting the adopted child.

What book is on your night stand right now?
The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson. What an appropriate gift!

And just for fun… what’s your favorite ice cream?
Haagen-Dazs Chocolate Chocolate-chip

Color?  And why?
My favorite color is red. To me, red represents the positive, the eternal. Red is passion, vibrancy and energy. It is life’s blood. In Chinese culture red is the color for auspiciousness. In Guatemalan (Mayan culture), red signifies the union between families and love for one another.

Memory?
Actually four: When I held each of my children for the first time. I was electrified.

TV Show/Movie?
I’m a CSI series junkie. Movies? Too many to pick a favorite. But I do love those that make me feel and watch them over and over again.

Song?
Unchained Melody. Mark sang it to me when we were married. ;)

The next Parenting Your Adopted Child: Tweens, Teens & Beyond begins April 7th. Class is limited to 12 participants. Parents can find out more and register here.   http://judymmiller.com/

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Why all this?

I am lucky enough to have a brilliant OBGYN who connected my mother’s colon cancer to my endometriosis and colon polyps. To give you some history, my mother had colon cancer when she was 40, an extremely early age for colon cancer, as 90% of people get colon cancer after the age of 50.

There are some inherited syndromes that my OBGYN thought might be the cause of my colon polyps, as I have already had two colonoscopies in which they found several polyps; Familial adenomatous polyposis (FAP) and Hereditary non-polyposos colon cancer (HNPCC) . What is distressing about HNPCC is that it has a high risk of causing endometrium and ovarian cancer, something that I could be at risk for because of my endometriosis.

While I am worried about the outcome of these tests it also started me thinking about my sons. I have family history. Enough family history that I can see a geneticist and know all of this information about my own body before I even undergo some of these invasive tests.

My sons can’t do that.

I know adoptees always talk about their sealed birth records but what about their medical records? Their family medical history? I’m sure they want this too. Just another reason domestic adoptions should be open (and birth records should be opened, right?)

But, internationally this just doesn’t happen. I have to search. I’m searching through Russian Sibling Searches to find my AJ’s birth sibling in the US and I’ve asked our agency to help track him down as well.  I’m now also requesting the US government* to send ALL of our sons’ social history and court papers (you know, that little big white envelope they came with?) .

That still just doesn’t cut it for me. I want to know more. Was AJ’s birth mother bi-polar like him or did it skip a generation? Or, did it come from his birth father? Does Gus have poor teeth like his birth parents or did he get those teeth because of his insane sweet tooth? Did he inherit that sweet tooth too?

Or, is that sweet tooth just from me, ’cause it could be…it certainly could.

I’m beginning to think these questions will haunt me and my children forever…but I’ll continue to search because I believe they have the right to know.

G-884 Form
What it is: Your child is entitled to original documents concerning his immigration and adoption process. (Remember that sealed envelope you handed over at airport immigration?) What you need: Two forms of ID along with a notarized G-884 form. There is no filing fee. How to proceed: Complete the G-884form (uscis.gov/files/form/g-884. pdf). Be very specific about what you are asking for: “all photos or other documents concerning my child’s adoption.” If your child entered the U.S. with an IR-3 visa, contact the Buffalo, New York, USCIS office (childcitizenship- act@dhs.gov or 716-843- 7903). They will tell you where to mail the completed form. If your child entered the country with an IR-4 visa, contact the USCIS office that processed your child’s immigration. There may be some paperwork (such as the birthmother’s birth certificate) that can’t be sent from the G-884. Request it by filing a G-639 Form (uscis.gov/files/form/g-639.pdf).

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Esquipulas was the site of the original Peace Agreement for Central America and was founded by the Spaniards between 1560 and 1570. The Black Christ can be dated back to March 9, 1595 when the Portuguese sculptor, Quirio Catano gave it to the mayor of the city.

Pope John Paul II proclaimed the cathedral at Esquipulas “the spiritual center of Central America”.

Information from Wikipedia

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Similar to other Latin American countries, Guatemalans celebrate Dia de los Tres Reyes (Day of the Three Kings). It is widely believed that this is the day when the three wise men visited baby Jesus and delivered their gifts. January 6^th is also known as the Epiphany.

Our Nacimiento (nativity) sits in a place of honor so that is highly visible. On the eve of Dia de los Tres Reyes, we have prayers around the crèche. All of the kids participate, so the somberness gives way to giggles and a celebratory feeling. Because we have had a substantial Christmas, the kids do not put their shoes out for gifts, as is the traditional custom. Instead, they give to other children.

On Dia de los Tres Reyes, we have our traditional Guatemalan Merienda de Reyes, the meal of the three kings. It concludes with the all-important hot chocolate and Rosca de Reyes, the colorful red and green sugar and candied fruit decorated oval cake with the hidden baby Jesus (symbolizing him being hidden from King Herrod’s men). My kids eat more than the traditionally allotted single piece of the yummy cake in an attempt to get the baby Jesus; for some reason we had two last year. Whoever finds the baby Jesus is expected to host the Candelaria (Candlemas) several weeks later.

Rosca de Reyes recipe Bake for 40-45 minutes at 350°

3 1/2 cups flour
1 packet yeast
3/4 cups of sugar
7 eggs
125 grams butter
1/4 cup lukewarm milk
Dash of salt
2 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp aniseed
100 grams raisins
1 tsp vanilla
50 grams candied figs
50 grams candied orange
50 grams candied lemon
50 grams candied cherries
50 grams candied citron
1 beaten egg
sugar (for more fun use colored sugars)
butter
flour

Dissolve the yeast in five tablespoons lukewarm milk.  Mix the flour, yeast, sugar, eggs, melted butter, milk, salt, cinnamon, aniseed, raisins, and vanilla.  Knead into a ball; grease it with some butter and place near a warm stove until the dough doubles in size. (About 2 1/2 hours)  Meanwhile cut into strips the candied fruit.

Knead, banging it down on the floured tabletop, to make it soft and pliable.  Form the dough into a ring or rosca. Insert the baby figurine.  Place the rosca on a greased backing tray.  Decorate it with the strips of candied fruit. Leave the rosca once more to fluff up again. Brush the rosca with the beaten egg and sprinkle over granulated sugar.

Recipe from this site.

Judy M. Miller lives in the Midwest with her husband and four children. Her essays and articles appear in parenting and adoption magazines. “Souls Speak,” is featured in A Cup of Comfort for Adoptive Families (Adams Media). “I Can’t Be Loved” is included in the recently published Pieces of Me: Who Do I Want to Be? (EMK Press). She blogs at The International Mom’s Blog.

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Fried Plantains are a traditional holiday treat in Guatemala. Although they are native to Africa, plantains have become very common in Southern American.

There are many ways to prepare them (but never in my house, as AJ is allergic to bananas…and probably plantains).

To make fried plantains;

Peel plantains and slice them diagonally, lengthwise so that they are 1/2 thick.

Heat oil in a frying pan or large fryer. If you have a large fryer no need to slice.

Fry.

Easy, eh?

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I used to talk with friends at lunch about how I was preparing myself for the “worst”…reading up on FAS, sensory issues, making sure I baby-proofed everything and they thought I was crazy.

They told me that that having children was supposed to be easy. That attachment and bonding came so naturally that there was no need to work on it, that children were resilient and that they would just blend right into our lives.

That was not so with AJ. Life was very difficult. I remember, very clearly, the first time he got into the silverware drawer, despite the baby-proofing. He tried to stick a corn-cob holder into his eye. He had no knowledge of what it might do.

With Gus…it has been seamless. Like, I guess it is supposed to be. Oh, we have the sleepless nights and the teething but we don’t have the attachment fights, the sensory issues, the horrible feeding problems and the sickness so horrific that he is miserable.

If someone had told me that adoption was supposed to be this way I would have told them they were lieing, that adoption is the hardest thing in the world.

I am so glad it’s not.

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But, that is what makes a family, right? It’s what bonds brothers…at least I hope.

They both inadvertently posed for the same picture before they left their homes and I was able to capture that. They are my favorite photos of the boys and we used them for their announcement pictures.

This one was taken just as we left the orphanage and I love the delicacy of it. He was watching the rain fall from inside the orphanage playroom. He was 26 months but he was so tiny…only 19 pounds. His hands were so little and his hair so fine. He was still such a baby but he had SO much fight in him.

Gus had just turned 12 months when we took an airplane to the states with him. He was the same size as AJ and looks just as discerning. Again, I love the little baby hands.

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