The baby swan was perceived as an outsider and, therefore, believed he was ugly.  He didn’t realize he was a beautiful swan until he was an adult, but he had already suffered so much.

The story of The Ugly Duckling is about how a creature feels when he is not connected to his birth heritage or culture.  It’s a story about a swan in search of his place and his identity.

Upon reading this story to my children, I took away a deeper message as an adoptive parent. The story of the ugly duckling is similar to adoption and what needs to happen within the adoptive family.

I have found that one of the biggest challenges as an adoptive parent, especially as a parent to internationally and transracially adopted children, is that I cannot address all of their needs, specifically the desire to know and understand their birth culture first-hand.

Like the ugly duckling, each of my children is in search of self, their identity. I can teach my kids about being the duck—sharing my history and heritage, what it is to be part of our family and what it means to be an American. And I can share our values and beliefs with them.

I can’t teach them what it means to be a swan, because I’m a duck. Heritage and culture are lived. But I can offer the opportunities to become as familiar and embrace their birth cultures.  What I can do is guide and support each child as they work towards discovering and creating their identities.

While my children search for themselves, it is imperative that they do not feel like an outsider, but feel that they belong, that they matter to us and to each other. We make a point of claiming them at every opportunity. Each of my children understands that they hold a special and unique place within our family and are deeply loved.

How my kids feel, what they think about adoption, their races, ethnicities, and birth cultures is important to me. They know that they have my and their dad’s full support to explore, discover, and embrace their birth cultures. It is my hope that my children will continue to be happy and grow into confident and well-adjusted adults.

Photo by Peace Correspondent

Judy writes essays and articles for adoption and parenting magazines. Her stories are included in A Cup of Comfort for Adoptive Families: Stories That Celebrate a Special Gift of Love (Adams Media), Pieces of Me: Who Do I Want to Be? (EMK Press) and Chicken Soup for the Soul: Thanks Mom (Chicken Soup for the Soul). Judy presented for “Finding Our Stories Online” at the Stories from the Heart conference in Austin, Texas and is an adoption educator. You can find out more about and register for her classes Parenting Your Adopted Child: Tweens, Teens & Beyond.

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I was ten years younger, void of gray hair, had wrinkles (although not so deeply embedded), and more than ten pounds lighter. I was a white woman married to a white man. Mother to an active inquisitive son (biological) and a daughter who quietly absorbed her new world (adopted from China). I was…less “seasoned.”

Ten years brought about many changes and greater diversity within my family. I am still married to that same marvelous man and mom to four kids, one biological and three who were adopted, from China and Guatemala. We are multiracial. We are multi-ethnic. We are multi-cultural, in that wrapped up kind of way we have of doing it in America, embracing other cultures along with those that are ours. We also embrace adoption, choice, differences, and life.

By adopting internationally and transracially, I stepped into the role of advocacy, forever. About adoption and the choices I made in my decision to adopt—transracial instead of same-race, international instead of domestic, boy versus girl and girl versus boy (I am mom to two of each sex).

By adopting internationally and transracially, I chose to focus on the strengths of an interracial family created through marriage, biology and adoption by:

• Preserving the richness of our composite traditions, customs and cultures
• Encouraging my children to claim their birth and adopted heritages
• Teaching my kids about diversity by instilling a tough-minded acceptance that the world is a racist world, they are stereotyped because of their race, and that our family is one of many that is evidence that races can coexist, with understanding, respect and love
• Educating them about adoption perceptions, that it is typically stigmatized, seen as “second best”
• Encouraging an openness, respect and understanding for others
• Helping my kids understand that biology has little to do with us being a family

Ten years ago I didn’t fully realize what advocacy meant. I do now. And I want to be heard:

• For my children
• For my family
• For other adoptive families
• For parents who have adopted transracially and domestically
• For parents who have adopted internationally
• For those considering adoption or are waiting for their child(ren) to join them
• For myself

I wonder what the next ten years will hold…

Judy lives in the Midwest with her husband and four children. She writes essays and articles for adoption and parenting magazines. Her stories are included in A Cup of Comfort for Adoptive Families: Stories That Celebrate a Special Gift of Love (Adams Media), Pieces of Me: Who Do I Want to Be? (EMK Press) and Chicken Soup for the Soul: Thanks Mom (Chicken Soup for the Soul). Judy was a presenter for “Finding Our Stories Online” at Story Circle Network’s Stories from the Heart conference.  She blogs at The International Mom and is an adoption educator. You can find out more about and register for classes Parenting Your Adopted Child: Tweens, Teens & Beyond.

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Have you ever wanted to look at something that existed in shadow? Have you ever striven to touch something that seemed just beyond your reach? Have you ever wished to understand more fully a person about whom you knew very little?

What if you couldn’t turn on the light, any light, not even a flashlight? What if you simply had no means of stretching across the span that separated you from what you desired? What if the person you wished to learn from couldn’t communicate?

Can you imagine the frustration?

I can.

This is how I feel about my daughter’s first year of life.

When the Husband and I decided to adopt from China, we knew that her birth family would always exist in the shadows. There is no information available about her life prior to the day of her finding. Our social worker and other ‘been there, done that’ parents prepared us for that fact. Actually, I don’t know that you can ever fully prepare for what that means in your life, but you can try. And then you live it and learn even more.

Still….

We DIDN’T expect to see so many of these shadows in our daughter’s life AFTER her finding.

But we do.

Like all of the other gals adopted through the non-special needs program from Tonggu County, our little Tongginator spent her first year of life living with a foster family. We know very little about her eleven-and-a-half months with them, not even their names. We also can’t rely on the paperwork we received in China because it contained so many errors. For example, it said our little Tongginator could pull up to stand and cruise. She couldn’t even sit alone nor roll over at that point. It took her five months (and therapy!) before she reached the pull up to stand stage.

The Husband and I send yearly updates to the SWI (orphanage). We not only wish for the staff to see her progress, we’ve hoped the Director would pass along our letter’s second copy to the Tongginator’s foster family. It’s always a translated letter, with photographs, and a self-addressed, Chinese-stamped envelope with paper and pen provided. Unfortunately, so far we’ve received little to no response.

And no new information.

This isn’t the case with a growing number of Tonggu families. The orphanage director recently and gradually began sharing more and more information about the foster care program, including the names of foster family members and also the names of other little children who lived with the foster family at the same time. This results in some amazing connections – a southern family now regularly e-mails a family from Barcelona because two little girls used to share a crib inside an apartment in Yongning Town.

It boggles the mind, doesn’t it?

We received word this week that a Canadian family *may* know the name of our daughter’s foster family. After three years of asking questions, finally – finally – we felt close to some answers.

The shadows suddenly seemed less dim. We could finally stretch enough to brush our fingers against it and hopefully – hopefully – grasp it. Someone finally spoke.

And then the world went dark again.

Because it wasn’t our daughter’s foster family after all. In the Mandarin language, many children appear to have the same name in pinyin (pinyin is when it’s written in English, y’all) even if they don’t have the same name in actual Mandarin characters. There are many instances of this among the Tonggu gals. For example, there are four little girls with the pinyin name Ying, but each girl’s Ying character is a different one that means something very different.

Mandarin is full of homonyms like this.

And, unfortunately for us, our daughter shares a homonym with another little Tonggu gal who now lives half a world away from her birth place.

We can’t even share in this family’s joy because they aren’t members of the Tonggu Families Yahoo! group. We don’t know who they are.

Our world is shadowed again.

And I’m so disappointed.

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After talking to other adoptive parents, many have shared that they felt similar to how I was feeling—under fire. For those of us who parent transracially, we feel even more so because we are conspicuous by the very composition of our family members. We are noticed and noted.

I asked myself if I am held to a higher standard because I have adopted. Unequivocally, I’d say yes. That higher standard began when I entered the adoption process. In order to prove my worthiness to parent, I was (each time):

• subjected to police clearances at the local, state and federal levels,
• finger printed,
• checked against the national sex registry,
• tested for drugs and diseases,
• required to undergo mental and physical health evaluations,
• required to write a thesis about myself, family and why I wanted to parent,
• visited by a social worker who deemed my home and family situation satisfactory for raising a child,
• expected to prove that I was financially responsible, and
• asked to provide character references.

I might have forgotten something. (I adopted before The Hague was in place.) My point is this. Adults who wish to adopt typically do so with good intentions. They realize they are going to be vetted out the ying-yang. They undertake the responsibility of parenting very seriously. Although they arrived at adoption via loss and oftentimes feel a sacred bond, they aren’t “saving children,” “buying children,” or feeding  the “baby market.”  They want to be parents and there are children who don’t have parents or families.

Judy lives in the Midwest with her husband and four children. She writes essays and articles for adoption and parenting magazines. Her stories are included in A Cup of Comfort for Adoptive Families: Stories That Celebrate a Special Gift of Love (Adams Media), Pieces of Me: Who Do I Want to Be? (EMK Press) and Chicken Soup for the Soul: Thanks Mom (Chicken Soup for the Soul). Judy blogs at The International Mom and is an adoption educator. You can find out more about her classes for parents at Parenting Your Adopted Child: Tweens, Teens & Beyond.

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I first met Marcie last summer when she (and her husband Eric) opened their lovely home to some of us crazy contributors. We had a blast and spent one fun-filled evening making jewelry in her kitchen while we discussed a myriad of topics related to adoption, adoptive parenting and special needs.

Marcie’s creative vision has brought together an eclectic, opinionated, and respectful group of writers. She is the mom of two adorable and amazing little men—AJ and Gus—and works tirelessly in the trenches, making sure we all do our “due diligence.”

So without further adieu, I invite you to get to know Marcie a bit better…

Why adoption? Honestly? Because we could not have biological children. I am the stereotypical adoptive parent who, after infertility, turned to adoption to build our family. Would it have been our first choice when we started a family? No. Do I still yearn for a biological child? Sure. I would still love, absolutely love, to feel a baby inside me, make a child with my husband, and to know what a birth is like. But, do I love MY children any less because of how they came to our family? Never.

What has becoming an adoptive mom taught you about yourself? I have learned that I like control, order, peace, quiet days, solitude, and above all else, sleep. With kids in general you just don’t get that. When you adopt a child at one or two a parent is slammed right into chaos. There is no down time with a two year old like there might be with a newborn (at least there weren’t with mine). I’ve had to let go of myself a lot so that my kids can be kids. It’s hard for me some days to get down on the floor and play because it’s just not who I am. But, I love splashing in the pool, playing peek-a-boo on the stairs and showing them the glory of nature.

What has being a mom to a special needs child taught you about yourself? On some days, that I have miles to go.

What wisdom can you share with other parents of special needs children or parents considering adopting a special needs child? In my opinion, every adoption is, in some way, a special needs adoption. Every child who is adopted carries with them their own set of special needs that are entirely different than a biological child’s needs. My oldest son has very unique medical and neurological needs, but my younger son tends to have some attachment needs that are specific to adoption and the way he was raised his first year. Everyone who chooses to adopt a special needs child NEEDS to be ready for the best and the worst. Every child has good days and bad days, but ultimately a child can overcome the odds with YOUR help. You have to be the one to help them because they can’t do it on their own.

Why did you feel compelled to create Grown in My Heart? What did you seek to accomplish with the site? What have you discovered in having this online network? I used to writer about adoption at My Two Boys and then A Child Chosen for b5media. When b5 closed I still needed an outlet. This time I really wanted to create something that was not only mine but also a network. I wanted a group of writers to write about adoption and be able to teach families the adoption truths…to help reform adoption, to help.

I’ve discovered that everyone is very spirited about their opinions and I’ve learned so much more about how my boys will feel as they grow up.

What do you like to do in your “down time?” Down time?

What is your favorite food? Chocolate and peanut butter, fresh crab or lobster, and anything I don’t have to make. I don’t really like to cook. My husband, however, is fabulous.

What makes you laugh? My husband, when Gus growls this really deep “smoker” Tiger growl, when AJ sings pop songs, TV shows Castle, The Big Bang Theory, and Bones. Good friends, Twitter, Facebook…

If you could be a cartoon character, who would it be? Dumbo. It took me a long time to figure this one out, but I have always loved Dumbo. Dumbo’s mother loves him unconditionally and when other’s don’t believe in him he still tries. Despite his shortcomings, flaws, uniqueness, and special needs, he is a hero. Disney actually meant to create a character that had to overcome such diversity, modeling him after Superman, who was very popular at the time (remember the song “When I see an Elephant Fly?”)

What are your hobbies? Gardening. I LOVE my garden and bought my existing house partly because of its flower garden. I’m teaching my boys to garden too and AJ absolutely loves it.

What is your favorite season of the year? Fall. But I love spring when my flowers come in. It just makes me happy.

What is something you can share with GIMH readers that would surprise them? I nap everyday.

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Like Dandelion Dust has won more than twenty national and international film festival awards, among them “Best Feature” at the Heartland Film Festival, San Luis Obispo International Film Festival, and Las Vegas International Film Festival.

The movie is a tear-jerker. I left the screening worn out from crying (okay…sobbing) and with mixed feelings about Like Dandelion Dust. There was one story line about abuse that wouldn’t float in my home state. But the stunner was the revelation that Joey, the six year-old child in the movie, did not know he was adopted. (Are you kidding me?!)

Producer Bobby Downs and Director John Gunn spoke to us before and after the screening. They shared that Joint Council on International Children’s Services (JCICS) could not come to an agreement about recommending Like Dandelion Dust to the adoption community. (They decided not to.) And after viewing it I can understand why. Aside from the stunning revelation mentioned in the preceding paragraph, I had a few major issues with the movie that the production company hopes to release in September. Like Dandelion Dust is very fond of stereotypes, such as the poor gritty uneducated dead-end birthparents and the privileged rich adoptive parents. It perpetuates the misconceptions about domestic adoption and stumbled all over the place with language relating to adoption and family connections. Many in the adoption community are trying to alleviate these stereotypes and inaccuracies by advocating for and educating others about adoption.

So what were some of the positives I came away with? Actress Mira Sorvino gave a beautiful heart-felt and sensitive depiction of a birthmother. And Like Dandelion Dust did something else. The movie portrayed the love that parents have for their children in a palpable, raw, and riveting way. The message of the essence of family came through loud and clear.

Adoptive parents are barraged with “adoption is second best” and “your own child” sentiments. The love that an adoptive parent has for their child is just as deep and just as “real” as the love a birthparent has for their child. To all of those involved in the making of Like Dandelion Dust, thank you for showing that truth and for hitting a nerve or two in the process.

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Celebrities like Madonna and Angelina and Brad have apparently caused a rise in the number of children in international orphanages. Psychologists at the University of Liverpool have found the highest rates of children living in institutions are in Eastern European Countries.

The study reveals that in countries like Spain and France that families are choosing to adopt healthy, white children from international countries instead of children from their own countries, mainly of ethnic minorities.

The media, as well as the study, have labeled this the “Madonna-effect” after the singer’s high profile adoption from Malawi in 2006.

“Some argue that international adoption is, in part, a solution to the large number of children in institutional care, but we have found the opposite is true,” said child psychologist Professor Kevin Browne.

“Closely linked to the Madonna-effect, we found that parents in poor countries are now giving up their children in the belief that they will have a ‘better life in the west’ with a more wealthy family,” Browne said.

“Some celebrities have unwittingly encouraged international adoption, yet it has been shown that 96 per cent of children in orphanages across Europe and probably across the globe are not true orphans and have at least one parent, often known to local authorities,” he added.

Do you think this is true or is this just media frenzy? Will children have better lives in other countries?

Do we SAVE them?

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Save the Children and Unicef both believe that children are better off in their home countries. Save the Children has gone so far as to say that international adoption can actually  “exacerbate the problem it hopes to solve…the very existence of orphanages encourages poor parents to abandon children in the hope that they will have a better life.”

E.J. Graff states in yesterday’s New York Times article that “too often, the amounts of money that Western adoption agencies spend in poor countries is helping to defraud, coerce or kidnap children away from families that wanted to raise them to adulthood”.

Are there really that many families being coerced into giving their children away?

And, are we, adoptive parents, suppose to leave children in orphanages so they can sleep 10 children to a room, eat cold and non-nutritious food, and in my son’s case, be so neglected and abused that he still has Post Traumatic Stress?

Unicef argues for the creation of foster care but looks the other way when they know that in most countries foster care does not work as well as adoption. Sure, there are plenty of cases of kidnapping and extortion. We all know there is SOME corruption. Fix it.

But, what about the best interest of the child?

Shouldn’t that be the standard? Both my sons needed a home. We gave it to them. We didn’t save them, we didn’t kidnap them from their birth parents. We adopted children who were in need of parents and in need of a home.

Were they orphans? No. In fact, most international adoptees are not actually orphans. What happens more often than kidnappings and extortion is hardship:

After losing a husband to AIDS and facing their own sickness, poor women may turn to adoption in a desperate attempt to secure a brighter future for their children. These brave, selfless and courageous women should not be branded as “baby sellers” or too ignorant or poor to love their children.

The antiracist parent, Julie Corby has the standard right in her rebuttal to E.J. Graff…

It seems to me that Graff is against any international adoption. I don’t think anyone would argue that the best thing for a child would be to grow up with his birth family, in his country of origin, but what about the kids for whom that is an impossibility?

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On the heels of the festival, I’ve been thinking about how thankful I am that our children are able to participate in the festivities going on across the country… thinking that I’m thankful they haven’t been left out just because they are orphans.  It also makes me think about groups like UNICEF, who actively promote the idea that children are best-off in their home cultures.  On the surface, I don’t disagree with that statement.  I often wish that these children could remain in their home countries instead of being adopted abroad.

However, there is one wish that supersedes my desire to see them in their home countries.

I want to see them in a family.

When that isn’t possible in their country of origin, international adoption can be a good answer.  And there’s one thing that I think UNICEF and others who loudly advocate for children to remain in their home cultures at all costs fail to acknowledge, as they are doing in Haiti now.  In most places, a child growing up in an orphanage isn’t experiencing the richness and beauty that their home culture can offer.

Children in places like our foster home are the exception, not the rule.  In many countries, orphanages barely have enough money to feed the children; certainly none left over to buy special items for a holiday feast.  Most holidays pass by unacknowledged in institutions, another date on the calendar filled with the same routines of institutional living.

I realize that holidays aren’t the primary hallmark of culture, but I’ve spent enough time in orphanages to develop one strongly held belief – a child who grows up in an institution is not necessarily growing up in their home culture; they are living in another culture all together.  And if escaping this culture means moving to a new country where a family accepts them as their own, teaches them their traditions, and even attempts – however haltingly- to celebrate the child’s heritage, then I think it is a move well made.

—-

Carrie lives in a small village outside of Beijing, China where she and her husband work with a foster home for orphans with special needs.  She blogs at Signs of Hope.

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Almost everyone involved in adoption believes that the adoption community needs some reform.

So, tell us what you want reformed. Help us spread the word a little (okay, a lot) and lets get everyone involved in this Carnival. Make sure to link to Mr. Linky.

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