I really did read all the books I was supposed to before completing an older child adoption. Everything about attachment, ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), ADHD, basic parenting…parenting a hurt child, a child with no conscience…basically a litany of marching literary soldiers telling me how hard this would be. Yet, I believed none of it. Now that we are living with attachment disorder (along with ADHD, GAD-generalized anxiety disorder and what I firmly believe is bi-polar), I’m re-reading many of these books.

This time around they make so much sense and the information is critical in my mind. I don’t know how you can fix this issue, because I know I’m not the only one…how do you make something relevant for someone who has no idea they’ll need the information. Ahh…takes me back to college. I didn’t care so much for Latin American studies, because I figured beyond on occasional umbrella drink on the shores, I wouldn’t need to know that stuff! True that I’m not an ambassador, but I am more into world events and it stinks to know nothing about that region after my parents paid for me to learn it!
I’m trying to take in so much info and reading more than one book at a time…that can become a problem. My information is getting mixed up – but I must say the overlying theme is the same. Attachment disorder sucks. Yes-sir-ree. There are different levels of suck…but it’s there. In Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory C. Keck and Regina Kupecky – they mention that the child feels that for them to win, a parent must lose and vice versa. I read that and thought “ummm…yes….that is how I often feel”…the next paragraph told me I wasn’t alone. But, how do you change that thinking?
After you wake up 1,000s of days and hope that today is the day that your children will love you…and it’s not…it all starts to build up. It’s not that I’ve turned against my kids – but I often feel more like a sandbox warrior posed for the next threat than a mom. Then I realize I’m letting their illness win. I need to show them that I can ‘win’ and they can still be safe. I have to be better at choosing the battles I MUST win. The same rules apply here as Love and Logic (by Jim Fay and Foster Cline).
1. Avoid control battles whenever you can.
2. Choose your battles carefully.
3. WIN the ones you take on.
Everytime I may something a battle and then lose – I’m proving to them that I’m not strong enough. I’m reinforcing their belief that I can’t take care of them. I don’t lose a lot…but I’m really terrible at choosing the right battles! Everything in my house becomes one…and I’m the general of the army putting all of myself at risk everytime.
You loaded the bowl on the wrong shelf…bam, boom, jump in the foxhole!
You stole from a backpack at school…troops dismount and attack!
You still haven’t done a chore correctly on day 3…look out, here I come on my dark horse!
You spit in my face…whoa, Nellie…the war has begun!
Some of those things are quite a worthy hill to die on…others are not. As a hurt parent dealing with a hurt child – I often seem to create the same ’security threat level’ for many of these things, because everything feels the same…it all feels like the tornado alarm is ringing and I have to hide in the basement. There aren’t a lot of levels to this feeling when it comes at you 100 times each day!
So, as I feel myself being pulled into the mud pit…I know that I’m losing and most days (most moments), I can pull myself out and start again. I’m doing better and if you though you were reading about someone who is an expert – NOPE…please buy the books I’ve mentioned which are written by actual experts. I’m just a mom fighting hard to heal her kids and learning a lot along the way!
Voni still blogs, even when she’s muddy, at http://www.kretzklan.blogspot.com/

So, I’ll share some good things.

My daughter is doing SO WELL lately.  She is maturing both physically and mentally – but maybe most importantly, I see growth emotionally.  Little things that I though may not ever happen are happening as we speak.  She’s noticing what other people do in ‘normal life’ and deciding that walking that line wouldn’t be a terrible thing.  She’s making friends – actual friends that invite her over to their house and want to come to our house as well.  She’s taking care of herself.  She’s working hard at her passion – cheerleading – and succeeding in such a wonderful way.

I see her being proud of herself…and that is a huge stride.  We are able to tell her that she is doing great and she believes us…she doesn’t sabotage it so quickly.  She wants to do things that other girls her age want to do, she wants to wear things that they want to wear, she wants to step up and be like them.  I know that many of you are thinking “WHY would you want her to look to others?”.  Well…when you’ve lived with a child that is so incredibly different and it’s not a positive different…you ache for her.

I’ve ached for my daughter.

I wanted her to fit in.  Does anyone want their child to stick out?  Does anyone want their child to be shunned?

We shopped today for the ‘transition to winter’ clothes.  We had fun together.  It’s a little victory that I’ve been looking forward to for years.  Every time we do something together and just have fun – it’s lovely.

So, I’m looking back now at positive things in her life…and I’m allowing myself to look forward to even more wonderous part of this journey.  The journey of being her mom…what a gift!

Copyright 2008-2010, Grown in My Heart. All Rights Reserved

Is there a way to do it right…or even wrong?

My husband lost his father three years ago.  He has somewhat lost his mother as she struggles with memory loss and is living a life that he doesn’t recognize.  And, now, we lost his brother…far too early…

He died one week ago.  He was 55.  We were there…literally…right there.  In his home, on vacation to visit them.  And, he was just gone.  That moment can turn so many ways.  It can change every fiber of your being.  You will never be the same.  All those things are true – but the aftermath is sometimes hard to figure out.

How do you grieve?

The dictionary tells us that grief is a “keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret”.  The would lead us to believe that all people in grief would react the same.  But, it’s not the same at all.

Take my children, for example.  My youngest two grew up with grief nearly every moment.  They’ve seen things that I can’t imagine and they have dealt with it the only way they knew how.  Mostly, they shut down.  They have not cried – they have asked a few questions…but mostly, they simply exist in this place of sadness that is covering our home.  I can’t dictate how they grieve, nor would I want to.  Even our oldest, not touched often by grief, is handling it differently than I expected.  He did cry and he has discussed it, but he also is moving forward.

Does grief mean you have to get stuck?  Do you have to isolate yourself?

My husband said that losing his father is a pain that is never gone, just lying in wait.  I wish to understand that, simply to be there for him now that grief is once again lying in wait for him – even stronger than before.  For me, it’s not that monstrous.  It’s more of a nagging, the feeling of tears always on the other side of my eyelids and I never know what will bring them forth.

My husband and his brother look very much alike…so sometimes I grieve when I see that last picture of my brother in law.  When I knew he was gone…and I can see my husband in that picture.  That causes a fear inside my grief.

What does it mean to grieve?

I think I may be doing it wrong.

We were both excited he was there.  I felt like love struck teenager – making signs, nervous butterflies – sitting on the front porch, then pacing on the front porch.  I just wanted him home.  My husband had picked him up and said he looked good and was telling him all kinds of stories about his experiences.  He loved it there, was excited to go back in August – but seemed very happy to be coming home for a break.  I was thrilled to hear that – maybe it was the best of both worlds.

We shook our signs and hollered as he pulled in and then it just became normal.  I knew there wouldn’t be a miracle (although I had hoped for one…mostly that I would have a miracle happen inside me), but our hugs were a bit uncomfortable.  I was happy that the other kids jumped right in and started chatting.  I busied myself with ‘duties’ – unloading suitcases, starting laundry, taking inventory of what got used and what didn’t get used.

We sat for a long time last night and asked questions – hoped for stories (I would have just loved the same ones he told DH)…but it was pretty quiet.  I told him how impressed I was with all the things he had accomplished.  He did things there that I wouldn’t have trusted him to do…things I really didn’t think he could do.  So, I’ve been proven wrong – although he still won’t be running a weed whacker in my yard.

We’ll fall into our routine again – or he’ll fall back into our routine.  Hopefully then this ‘normal’ that feels sad right now will just feel normal.  I’m still searching for normal.

DS2 is now off at boarding school.  We took him there in early June and it’s a great fit.  We’ve talked to him multiple times and he is blending in and making it on his own.  I knew he would…yet, when he’s home I’m barely able to let him go across the street on his own.  Of course, there is a reason for that.  He has proven, over and over, that his decision making while living with us is lacking.  That is putting it mildly.  I also knew that he would go to school and have no issues with decisions.  So far, I’m exactly right.

As we sat in the headmaster’s office, he told us many things.  The biggest one was that DS2 would, most likely, be a different child there than he is at home.  Check.  So far, he’s exemplary – earning a bigger dorm room and it seems he is quite popular.

While at check in, I noticed that DS2 wouldn’t really respond to any adults.  He just wouldn’t answer.  That is par for the course at home, and I started jumping in to answer for him.  Pow…it hit me.  Maybe he didn’t answer because I ALWAYS jumped in to do it for him.  Always.

There is some level of embarrassment when you have a child that won’t/can’t/doesn’t communicate.  Is it embarrassment for me or for him?  Who knows?  As we stood before the dorm office and they asked the checklist of questions – I continued to answer.  I had done most of the packing and therefore I knew what he had.  He probably didn’t…but I didn’t give him a chance.  The dorm parent finally looked at me and asked,

“Who is going to be living here later today?”

That was it.  They were going to hold him responsible and I would not be there to pick up any pieces.  I also wouldn’t be there to sabotage him.  Yuck…how long had I been doing that?  You think you are helping.  At least, I did.

I heard adults ask him to speak up and answer – I heard adults tell him to look at them when he speaks – I heard adults tell him that mumbling was not an appropriate response to a question…and I saw him act as though he’d never heard those things before.  Of course, he had…a million times maybe.  But, I could wager that he won’t have to hear them again there.

I still remember the doctor saying “you have bipolar” and feeling relief – then came the fear…intense, gripping fear.  This is something that will never go away.  I will live with this disease for the rest of my life.  Why is this about me right now?  Mainly because I’m manic right now.  I wouldn’t call it profound – I’ve been there…but it’s a constant.  For about two weeks now I can’t stop my mind for even a brief moment.  I am sure that I need a med change, but that is not fun.  I become a zombie or a crazed maniac or something I don’t recognize at all.

I’m telling you this because I know many, many parents (adoptive and not) that are raising bipolar children.  They may not have that title – it’s hard to get before certain ages – but it’s there.  And, most of you know it.  That nag in the pit of your stomach, the calm you know means the storm is coming…listen to it.  I go back time after time and wonder if I could have learned how to work through my illness better if I’d started younger.  I wonder if those days when I though that being ‘gone’ would be better than being there – in my body and mind – would have been less painful if my parents listened.

I’m overly focused on whether there is bipolar lurking in my children.  I knew DD had it before any doctor knew it or would say it.  I watch my oldest son VERY closely…because I know it’s so easily transferred biologically.  I am often amazed that I went around the world to bring home a little girl with the exact same diagnosis as me – bipolar and OCD.  Who would’ve thought that could happen?  But, there is a peace within me that I can help her with it because I’ve been there.

Part of my current mania is a strange sense of ‘what if’ that focuses on my demise.  Don’t think that I’m suicidal – not in the least.  When I think these things it’s like it’s someone else.  I realize right now that it’s a strange way of manifesting my intense stress over getting ready to move our son to his new school.  I’ve told my best friend, I’ve told my husband and they watch me…but the oddest thing happened yesterday…

Out of the blue, my daughter said “don’t die”.  What would make her say that?  How could she know about my obsessions right now?  We talked it through and she seems to be in an obsessive state about my life as well.  It’s just so incredible that we can be connected in a way that I wish we weren’t.  But, as I sat and held her and told her I would be perfectly fine – I knew that we both hit the jackpot in the world of mental health.  We are loving ourselves, by loving each other.

For more info and resources on early onset bipolar – check out:  http://www.jbrf.org/juv_bipolar/index.html

When I hear people refer to adoption and never do they mention the realities, it scares me.  I am not a believer that attachment disorder, along with many other conditions, is a rare occurrence.  I am not in the camp that says Love can heal all children.  I have been forced to live a reality that no one wants to believe.  I am an educated woman and I educated myself in depth on attachment, FAS, and many other spectrum disorders that I knew could be ‘part of the package’ of older child adoption.  However, you can’t know it until you live it.

You can say that I’m finding so many families living with this because I’m searching them out.  But, I didn’t have to search very long.  They are everywhere.  And, we all get the same reactions and the same questions from outsiders…even from insiders.  The biggest question is ‘what if this was your biological child?’  That question is pointless in this situation.  My biological child would not be suffering from attachment disorder because his needs were met from day one.  My biological child did not feel the pain of severe hunger or the humility of complete abuse.  My biological child does not push away from family bonds – because he’s only known that as his life.  If my biological child was suffering from deep emotional disabilities, then I would do what I’m doing now.  I would get him help no matter what.  I would fight for him to have a chance to get out.  And, I would admit when I couldn’t be that avenue for him.

What I hear from most adoptive parents (specifically moms who get the brunt of attachment issues) is that the isolation is nearly the worst part.  It is scary to reach out.  There are very few places that offer help without judgment.  That is why meeting women in real life that nod their heads and offer hugs and have stories that match my own is so important.

I don’t know the complete story of the woman in Tennessee who sent her adoptive child back to Russia.  Sure, I’ve read a lot of reports, but the media can be quite skewed in their reporting of these stories.  What I do know is that the story could have ended much worse.  We’ve all heard about the women who snap and kill their child…however the stories that include adoption seem to claim so many more headlines.  People hurt and kill their biological children everyday.  In no way does that fact make the other cases any better…

For our family – we’ve been blessed to find an answer right now that cares for every member’s needs.  We will all get a chance to heal and regroup.  I’m going to work hard to change my perception of parenting to meet what my son needs, while continuing to be a parent to my other two children in the way that they need.  DS2 and I may not ever have a mother/son relationship, but I’m not giving up my dream of that.  I believe that the time to heal should and will go both ways.  I have to believe that right now.

In my little group, we’ve bonded quickly.  There is something to be said for being in the trenches with other moms.  I also have a teenager and I often need to bond with my cohorts on that front as well.  We are all fighting for our children – every second – sometimes, that fight looks different to different people.  But, right now, for me – the fight looks like there can, in fact, be many winners.  That is a nice thing.

Some of the most common are:  bi-polar, ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), FAE (fetal alcohol effects – a spectrum disorder) and ADHD.  In no way is that a full list.  Many in the RAD community refer to the ‘alphabet soup’ of disorders their children have received.  It can read like a foreign language.  Some of right on and many are not.  RAD can look like a cat, a lion, an emu, a giraffe, a mouse…but it always will come back to bark like a dog.

My children have a lot of overlap.  DD is quite OCD and, from my perspective, totally bi-polar.  However, at her age, no doctor is willing to actually give her these diagnosis.  So, our discussions with her psych often follow the same pattern:  Oh, yes, she has bi-polar…but I won’t put that in her chart until she’s older and her OCD tendencies are strong.   It’s always fun.  Our attachment therapist can not prescribe meds, but he’s seen enough to often know what might work best.  DD is now on a med first used for high blood pressure, now being used for ADHD.  Her other med is for mood disorders (including bi-polar).  The mix of meds is what works for her.  Admittedly, the mood disorder drug did NOT work on it’s own, but (knock on wood) this mixture is really something.

I spent years standing on high ground saying I would never medicate a child.  Children need to be children, even if that comes with issues – that was my line.  However, I’ve realized since then that some children can’t be children without medication.  A wise woman once asked me, “what if it could change their lives for the better?”  I didn’t have an answer.  One part of raising RAD/AD kids is that you learn that you can never learn enough.  The high ground is very slippery.

I often see RAD everywhere.  So, I’m as bad as any doctor that won’t diagnose it…I’m the over-diagnoser.  I see people who say their children are this, that or the other and I think “and they have RAD”.  But, they may not.  These things look so close to each other…it’s impossible to know sometimes.

When my DD can’t stop a track in her mind – for hours, days or months – and that track is telling her to not love us, to not trust us…can I say that is purely RAD or purely OCD?  No…it’s the mixture of the two.  Would it be so hard for her to live a normal life if one of those wasn’t there?  I don’t know and can’t sit and think about it too long.  They are both there.  Other things could come up and she gets older.  We don’t yet have the whole story.

When you see a RAD parent and they have hours of therapy and doctor appointments lined up from a wide variety of specialties, know that they are trying to figure out a puzzle with no answer.  We are trying to re-teach brains that never learned in the first place.  I wish I could take my DD and all her conditions and run away to a place where these things don’t happen to kids.  I don’t think that place exists.

More of my ideas and techniques are below, continued from part one (don’t miss it…).  Same disclaimers apply:  I’m not an expert and these aren’t all my ‘original’ ideas, most come from much smarter folks than I – especially Nancy Thomas!

• Repeat after me/watch what I do:  RAD creates an environment where showing emotion is unsafe for the child.  In their neglected years, there was no reason to show emotion since no one ‘answered the call’ of their cries or happiness.  Therefore, no matter their age, they are infants in this category.  They, quite honestly, have no idea what emotions are or how to show them and they can’t discuss them either.  So, it’s important for a parent to model these things.
• My daughter got invited to a birthday party and it fell during a weekend that we were going to be out of town.  I let her know that we’d have to say no for that reason alone.  She stared at me blankly (this is a typical reaction when a RADish doesn’t know how to emote).  I took her to our rocking chair and sat her facing me.  I showed a disappointed face and said “I know you are feeling disappointed because you really wanted to go to her party.  Disappointment makes us feel sad and upset at the same time…sometimes you can even feel angry from being disappointed.  It’s totally normal to feel this way.  Some great ways to work through disappointment are to make a plan for something else to do instead or to look forward to the other plans that we’ve already made.  Can you please repeat this?  I’m feeling upset because I’m disappointed to not go to the party. (wait for repeat) When I’m disappointed my belly can feel tight and my eyes start to water.  (wait for repeat)  I’m even feeling mad at you for having plans that we can’t change, I really wish we could do what I want to do.  (wait for repeat)”
• You need rest:  This can take a few forms.  In our house, it depends on the timing of the event happening.  Going to bed early is one option, sitting in a quiet place is another and ‘resting’ during a fun activity is the third.  We use this when the child is really struggling with being fun and kind.  It’s a respite for the rest of the family.
• My son reacts very poorly to violence.  We monitor his intake of video and computer games/tv shows and movies quite strenuously due to these reactions.  He is good about asking permission to play a new game or watch a new show.  Generally the answer is no as we base it on past meltdowns.  After being told he could not play a war game, but could play 3 others (always good to give choices)…he began a meltdown.  So, it went like this…”Honey, I can see that you are really tired right now since you are reacting so angrily at a decision you knew was coming.  I think you need some extra rest so your brain can understand that we are protecting you from things that upset you.  Why don’t you hop in an early shower and we’ll get in some good cuddle time before an early bedtime.  I have no doubt you’ll wake up tomorrow feeling much stronger and ready to handle answers with much more calm.”
• Be unpredictable but consistent:  RAD children should not always know the outcome.  This seems counter intuitive to a person parenting a mainstream child.  With RAD, knowing what comes next can create major power struggles and they can learn easily to just ‘get used’ to the consequence and not care at all about it.  Therefore – you need to change it up.  Most of my examples above showed a quick response to a situation…however there is great strength in not responding right away – especially if you are ANGRY.  Do NOT respond in anger – ever – to a RAD child.  If you are angry, tired, busy or just ‘done with it’ – simply let them know that something will happen…then make sure it does.  At my house there can be so many people in ‘trouble’ that I forget – so I keep notes.  It can takes weeks sometimes for me to get to a consequence and most often I thank them when that time comes.
• Three weeks after my son stole money I found myself in need of a break.  I had him make sandwiches for lunch and pour me a big glass of juice and throughout the day he was able to help me out with my need for rest.  The first time I called him down I said “Thanks for making a poor choice a few weeks ago…I really need help today and you are just the man for the job.” – note that I did not remind him what he did.  Treating a child like they may not remember is treating them like they are dumb.  One thing I can assure you is that a RAD child is NOT DUMB.

I hope that you can find one or more tricks here that may work in your house…the slight sanity that these approaches have offered me is worth more than gold!  Go forth and parent…

A few of the greatest hits on my bookshelf are below…many of these ideas were lifted off the pages and tweaked to work for us – if you are living with RAD, please, please read…

When Love is Not Enough:  A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD by Terena Thomas

Dandelion on my Pillow, Butcher Knife Beneath by Nancy Thomas, Terena Thomas and Beth Thomas

Parenting the Hurt Child:  Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow by Gregory C. Keck

Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay and Foster Cline

Parenting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is a struggle.  There are those saintly folks out there who can do it with grace and dignity and I am not one of them.  However, through many readings, daily research, an ear to listen to those who’ve gone before me and wonderful attachment therapists – I’ve concocted an assortment of parenting ‘tricks’ that help in this journey.  Please know that I’m not an expert…and these are cobbled together from many different sources to work for me and my family.  It takes a lot of trial and error to learn what works for you.  Also know that I’m a fan of Nancy Thomas’ approach to RAD and there are other camps (such as Post/Forbes) that would differ dramatically from my approach.

• Bummer:  This word is a gold mine for me.  With RAD you must stay uninvolved in control battles and drama created by your child.  Control can come from anywhere and when you least expect it.  I have found that responding with one word, “Bummer”, is the key to ending it quickly and painlessly.
• My daughter got into the baby oil after numerous warnings that it stains.  She came to me and told me her comforter was stained and she was sure the dogs had done it and she had tried SO HARD to clean up their mess.  I responded with “bummer”.  The truth is I could have gotten into a fight about her lie or about her doing the opposite of what she was told or even about her replacing the ruined comforter – but in the end, it really is a bummer for her.  She’ll live with a stained comforter and come to know that I know what happened.
• Inconvenience time:  When a child chooses to continue an argument that is over, or chooses to throw a tantrum while others are moving on with their day – it slows progress for me and the household.  I’ve learned to have them ‘pay me back’ for the time they take with negative pursuits.  How’s that working for ya?/And then what?:  Helping a RAD child work through a real life issue is hard.  Their thinking does not connect in a normal pattern.  Therefore, it’s great to catch an emotional outburst before it gets ugly and ask these two questions.  Don’t ask that question:  This one is SO HARD for me.  I want to converse with my children and that should include questions…but most RAD kids view questions as a doorway to lie and manipulate.  Instead state what you know and go from there.  This is ESPECIALLY important when they’ve broken a rule.
• My son wanted my help with math.  I sat down to help him (happily) and started explaining the problem to him.  He spent the next 20 minutes crying and telling me that I didn’t know what I was talking about and yelling for me to simply give him the answers.  I sat calmly and listened to his anger.  Offered him kind words and pats and waited (while watching the time).  When he was done I stood up and stated that he had just wasted 20 minutes of my evening and therefore he owed me 20 minutes when I needed a break.  That break came a few days later when I had planned to deep clean the main floor bathroom and he got to do it for me – for 20 minutes!
• My son was given a ‘parent letter’ at school which included the answers for his math homework.  When he got off the bus, his homework was done flawlessly – which is not a normal occurrence.  Before he could lie to me I asked “How’s the cheating working for ya?”.  He stared blankly.  I continued with “Now that you know that you are caught, what comes next, what are the options here?”  He will answer with nonsense many times, which I simply don’t accept.  Until he can tell me that the options are to admit he cheated and find a way to fix that problem or to lie about it – we don’t move on.  Then we work to the end of the natural chain of events, question by question.  Also, accepting the answer “it’s not working for me” – ruins the point of this exercise.  They must answer honestly.
• My daughter did poorly in tumbling –obviously not putting much effort into it.  Instead of saying “what happened in tumbling tonight?” , I’ll state “I could see that you weren’t concentrating too well in tumbling, it must feel silly to waste your time like that.  Let’s make a plan for things you can try next class to achieve more and maybe set some new goals.”
• I find the guitar broken in the basement and I know that my son was the only one down there.  Do not say “Who broke the guitar?” – you already know who broke the guitar.  I would pull my son aside privately and say “I know that you broke the guitar and didn’t tell me about it.  I’m sure you are worried about what kind of trouble you’ll be in.  I’m sorry that you don’t trust Dad and me enough to be honest with us.  You will have to replace the guitar parts you broke with your allowance and apologize to your siblings for breaking something that belongs to all of you.  Also, let’s talk through the worst thing that could have happened if you told the truth first.”  (see And then what? above)

Oh, and there’s more…I’m happy to share some more little tidbits with you tomorrow in part 2.  Check back then – and please, share your own RAD parenting ideas – we can all learn from each other!